Segway hacked, does this mean they’re no longer cool?

We’ve said this roughly 689,524 times on this blog before, but this time we’re right: We’ve probably reached the end of humanity. It’s been nice knowing you all. Whatever historians are alive centuries from now will mark the beginning of the end with the hacking of a Segway.

That’s right, the Segway, the rolling scooter thing widely used in all facets of society today, has been hacked. We were such fools to trust such a convenient piece of technology! Hackers have been able to stop the Segway MiniPro via an accompanying app that connects you to your machine’s controls. A vulnerability in the software allows a third party to take control of the Segway. Of course, thousands have already been killed, and there is mass panic around the world because such a vital machine is no longer safe.

Mark our words, if mankind has any hope, it must relegate Segways to airport security officers and city tour groups.

Science: Only hack-proof security is being drunk

It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.

There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.

Your drunk brain is completely unhackable.