D.C. is drunker than you

Washington, D.C. is a city of national leaders. And according to a new survey, it’s a city of national leaders in alcohol consumption.

The district is drunker than 49 states, a survey has found. Some 65.9% of residents have had a drink in the past month, just behind Wisconsin, with 67.3%. D.C. is also tops for heavy drinkers, with 11.1%, and binge drinkers, with 25.5%. Heavy drinking is defined in the survey as men having two drinks a day, and women one drink a day. Binge drinking is five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more for women.

This makes sense. The citizens of D.C. have to live with all the crazy people the rest of the country sends there. It’s enough to drive anyone to drink.

’80s nostalgia hits DC fourth graders

Four students from Washington, D.C. Thomson Elementary School were hospitalized for consuming an unknown quantity of cocaine while at school.

Nobody knows how one of the students obtained the coke, although it could have been one of those fabled free samples from the neighborhood dealer that D.A.R.E. warned us about. However, the four are reportedly fine and–aside from some sore throats–exhibited no other symptoms.

Oh, and they also:

  • wrote a screenplay for an action movie,
  • recorded a guitar-solo-heavy rock concept album about robots from the future,
  • talked to three women apiece (“eights” and above) about world piece
  • and invented a new type of calendar that replaces the leap year with a quarter day in February because your brain doesn’t move fast enough to interpret time in waves and rays.

Basically, what we’re saying is that cocaine is a hell of a drug.