Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

Priest arraigned for blunderbus

"Take aim, fellas! There's a school bus full of Steelers fans!"
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!”

Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen in this country since the U.S. Civil War.

The Rev. Kevin Carter, a Giants fan, was arraigned Tuesday after a witness reported that he pointed an unloaded (but functioning) musket at an 8-year-old Cowboys fan at St. Margaret of Cortona Roman Catholic Church in Little Ferry, N.J.

Sure, Rev. Carter might have failed to observe the most basic of tenet gun safety: treating every gun like it’s loaded, especially when it takes forever to reload after accidentally firing it at a child. But, everyone at his church was OK with it, probably relieved actually. Most of the time, when a story begins with a priest pulling a boy into a rectory and putting him against a wall, it rarely ends with him pointing a gun at the kid.

Naming rights don’t come cheap

When an opportunity to name an animal comes up, we at SG encourage people to take that opportunity. That’s why we commend an anonymous individual being able to name a dumb ol’ baby giraffe. We would suggest names such as Stretch, Spots and Ol’ Zombie Tongue.

Now, having to pay to name an animal? While that’s not an action we would traditionally support, in terms of an economic fundraiser, there are worse ideas. Wall Street needs money? Sell the naming rights to that golden bull. Seaworld out of cashola? Shamu’s getting a new name! We strongly encourage both the Republican and Democratic National Committees to put up the naming rights to the elephant and the donkey for sale.

Attack of the peanut butter jellyfish

As if we didn’t have enough things to worry about, “science” has given us another: super-sized sea creatures that feed on our snacks.

At the Dallas Zoo and Children’s Aquarium, scientists started putting peanut butter in a tank with moon jellyfish, apparently having no idea what would happen–because in Texas, “Hey, watch this!” qualifies as science. The jellies ate the peanut butter and grew larger than their species normally does. Plus, the normally translucent jelly got a brownish hue from all the peanut butter.

On the plus side, they taste great on a sandwich.

Tourism marketing at its BEST

The countdown to the Super Bowl is a mere 4 days away, and yet, we wouldn’t be too surprised if many of you already feel absolutely inundated by the coverage of the biggest event in professional sports. Have faith-it’ll be worse. Come Friday, prepare to be privy to stories that have the faintest connection to the sport of football, much less the NFL’s championship game. As to be expected, not all of the stories will be of the feel-good variety.

But have faith: some of those stories are beginning already. The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, has declared that “the Super Bowl is one of the biggest human trafficking events in the United States.”

While this may or may not be true, as The Guys don’t exactly have the most up to date statistics on child trafficking (taken from that great book, “Everybody Gets Stolen at the Piggly-Wiggly and Bought for 2 Grand and a Carton of Marlboros“), we’d just like to point out, once again, that the Super Bowl is taking place in 4 days. Oh, and it’s happening in Dallas, Texas.

Darwin Award round-up

The Darwin Awards are a great and noble honor that are bequeathed unto only the most special of people in our society. And by special, I don’t mean “that kid is awesome,” I mean “that guy that used a traffic cone for a beer bong and the guys holding the bong are so stupid.” As such, sometimes it’s important to point out the people in life that should probably be nominated. Let’s take a long at some, shall we?

-A sixteen year old has decided that the best thing to do to herself, at an age where body and aesthetics are everything, is to give herself a pair of fangs akin to those found on some of the people in Twilight.

A Texas man nearly died choking on a plastic salad fork. As such, he’s stated that he will never eat healthy food again.

-A collection of teenagers in California have become severely ill after ingesting a wild plant in the hopes of getting high off of it. Who would’ve thought that a random wild plant could possibly be fatal to a human being?

The Bush speaketh

Former-president George Bush finally decided he had stayed out of public for long enough, venturing out to give a little speech at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan.

In stark contrast from Cheney’s “I’m to old too old to go to prison” speech last week, Bush spoke about his decisions in the Oval Office (including torture briefly), adjusting to life in Dallas and picking up dog ####, which isn’t as macho as clearing sage. He summed up his hopeful epitaph with:

“‘The man showed up in the office with a set of principles, and he was unwilling to sacrifice his principles for the sake of popularity.'”

(Don’t worry, Mr. Bush. Your popularity was never in question.)

Confident words? Yes, but that’s because presidents don’t go to PMITA penitentiaries: that’s the VP’s only real duty.