The countdown to the Super Bowl is a mere 4 days away, and yet, we wouldn’t be too surprised if many of you already feel absolutely inundated by the coverage of the biggest event in professional sports. Have faith-it’ll be worse. Come Friday, prepare to be privy to stories that have the faintest connection to the sport of football, much less the NFL’s championship game. As to be expected, not all of the stories will be of the feel-good variety.
But have faith: some of those stories are beginning already. The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, has declared that “the Super Bowl is one of the biggest human trafficking events in the United States.”
While this may or may not be true, as The Guys don’t exactly have the most up to date statistics on child trafficking (taken from that great book, “Everybody Gets Stolen at the Piggly-Wiggly and Bought for 2 Grand and a Carton of Marlboros“), we’d just like to point out, once again, that the Super Bowl is taking place in 4 days. Oh, and it’s happening in Dallas, Texas.
The Darwin Awards are a great and noble honor that are bequeathed unto only the most special of people in our society. And by special, I don’t mean “that kid is awesome,” I mean “that guy that used a traffic cone for a beer bong and the guys holding the bong are so stupid.” As such, sometimes it’s important to point out the people in life that should probably be nominated. Let’s take a long at some, shall we?
-A sixteen year old has decided that the best thing to do to herself, at an age where body and aesthetics are everything, is to give herself a pair of fangs akin to those found on some of the people in Twilight.
–A Texas man nearly died choking on a plastic salad fork. As such, he’s stated that he will never eat healthy food again.
-A collection of teenagers in California have become severely ill after ingesting a wild plant in the hopes of getting high off of it. Who would’ve thought that a random wild plant could possibly be fatal to a human being?
Former-president George Bush finally decided he had stayed out of public for long enough, venturing out to give a little speech at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan.
In stark contrast from Cheney’s “I’m to old too old to go to prison” speech last week, Bush spoke about his decisions in the Oval Office (including torture briefly), adjusting to life in Dallas and picking up dog ####, which isn’t as macho as clearing sage. He summed up his hopeful epitaph with:
“‘The man showed up in the office with a set of principles, and he was unwilling to sacrifice his principles for the sake of popularity.'”
(Don’t worry, Mr. Bush. Your popularity was never in question.)
Confident words? Yes, but that’s because presidents don’t go to PMITA penitentiaries: that’s the VP’s only real duty.