Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?

IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.