Big is beautiful and single

That’s right: if you’re a woman who happens to be a chubby-chaser, then you’ve got the chance to land yourself a jackpot of a man here. The sumo grand champion Asashoryu announced that he’s getting a divorce from his wife of five years. The two have had troubles for years, as she apparently wasn’t even publicly seen in his trip to Mongolia two years back, nor have they been living together. DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM.

So, what can you do to win this man’s heart? Well, it’s been said that he’s big into fashion, so might I suggest a date to the fashion district of Japan (whatever that is)? He’ll enjoy going around and talking to the high-end designers, no doubt. It’ll suck that his handler will likely follow you on the date, as an overprotective parent would, but they can also be a good resource on knowing the right places to go eat. Also, you might not want to make any comments about his weight. You know, just in case.

Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real

Look, if you bring up Twilight to some of The Guys, they’ll all *pfft* and follow that up with a terse “whatevah.” (I know: we can be so mean.)

However, I can no longer remain silent. You see, young teenage girls who aren’t my wife, I’m … different. I’ve rejected all the limited, childish behaviors of my food-eating peers. I’ve seen dark things, terrible things. I’ve sipped immortality on gossamer wings wearing platform Doc Martins.

I guess what I’m trying to say … what I’m trying to tell you … but, what if you don’t like me? My kind is so lonely that I would give anything to spend all my time hanging out with a nice, less popular girl who likes art. We could talk about your hair.

Enough, my heart is tormented in a bleak darkness that I will no longer bear: I am a vampire. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real