Still beats McCain’s makeup tips

When it comes to cushy government jobs, the office of Vice President of the United States might just be the cushiest. They’re the non-speaking President of the U.S. Senate, and aside from the occasional “honey-do” list from the President, they basically sit around waiting for a pretzel to do its nasty work.

Fortunately, our current Veep, Joe Biden, has found a new role to occupy his time: C@%kblocker in Chief.

Since 2008, Vice President Biden has counseled every young woman he’s met to not date until they’re 30. 30? This sounds like the work of IHOP’s Early Bird Special Lobbyists.

Your game and you

Science marches on, and today it looks at your game!

Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas communication studies department has analyzed five different flirting approaches: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. Whichever one you use can determine who you are as a person and what type of relationships you look for.

Unfortunately for The Guys, he left off “inappropriate” and “discomforting.”

Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Look, I don’t know how to break this to you, but … well, you’re about to get dumped.

Or you’re about to dump somebody. Either way, you are about to be alone, so very alone soon.

How could I possibly know that? Because of Facebook.

David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.

Here’s my interpretation of his data. Continue reading Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Al Gore’s love of metal wins out

Al and Tipper Gore are calling it quits, surprising everyone only two weeks after their fortieth anniversary. While some can’t believe it happened so late in their marriage, most are amazed that they divorced before the Clintons.

In any case, the world has gained a single Al Gore, and–although we rarely get involved–we just can’t help but root the guy on.

So, if you’re single, too, and your sex life could use a human robot, have you considered Al Gore? Here’s what Al brings to the boudoir:

  • Handmade anniversary gift certificates for back rubs and carbon emissions.
  • Flights on his personal jet to any environmentally-endangered corner of the globe.
  • The dirtiest cybersex in the kinkiest chat room on the Internet that he invented.
  • Willingness to call “recounts” until sex ends in his favor.
  • Slideshows.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio.

Reason #6: You read this article

Do you *really* want to know why?Listen, single ladies. We know it’s tough out there when you don’t have a man to all marry you and give you socks to clean.

And, speaking as (The) Guys, we don’t make it any easier on you by dumping you. But you’re not going to find the answers by reading articles like these or asking a guy friend* to interpret it for you.

There’s only one reason straight men dump you: we don’t want to hang out with you, watch your TV shows, eat your food, talk to your friends, play with your cats and ride in your car anymore.

Also, there’s never somebody else; there’s everybody else.

There: mystery solved. Now go show your boobs to somebody else.

*Really, just one? What’s his qualification, an PhD in Manwatching? We’re not exactly scientists here, but what if your one male friend is retarded or in love with you and trying to prove it through subtle responses to an article about why jerks dump awesome women?

Take it from Snee: The Wingman’s Guide

When I was younger and singler, I was a horrible wingman. I was selfish, belligerent and often too drunk to even speak human language. None of my friends ever got laid on my behalf, so it’s amazing I even had any.

Now that I’m married, though, my choices are to either:

  1. cheat on my wife.
  2. live vicariously through my friends.

Since I’m freshly out of debt, I’d rather not finance an ex-wife and date again, so I opt for number 2. What I’ve learned is that it’s easy to be a great wingman, if you have a little inside knowledge on how some women work. Fortunately, I have one around the apartment and have used this experience to create The Wingman’s Guide. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Wingman’s Guide

Online dating is hell

Online dating sites are corrupting America, and we’re not talking about erotic ads on craigslist. Apparently, the number of members of our military joining those sites is huge. This means that rather than being hooked on various kinds of drugs, like in Vietnam, our fighting men and women are now becoming addicted to love.

What is the world coming to? Every one of us knows that online dating is the enemy and a dangerous gateway. You know, first you start dating people, then you start posting cutesy pictures of each other on your Facebook page, pretty soon, you’re telling everyone how great this person is, nauseating everyone within earshot. Folks, this is not what our troops need. They need to remain celibate like Jesus and focused on the fight so they can come home alive and start a baby boom.

Our brave servicemen and women need to stop thinking about who winked back at them and lay down some covering fire.

Answering the tough questions

Side note: Will you people come back from Labor Day weekend and do insane stuff already? The news is slower than a three-legged mule.

We turn now to Paris, not because we want to, but because that is where the story comes from, of course. It has been announced that French scientists have discovered how to authenticate the vintage of wine.

Yes, the scientists have used a particle accelerator and X-ray analysis to figure out just how old that bottle of wine is. Because, you know, you can’t just look at the year on the label. The Guys are no conneisseurs of wine (we prefer grape flavored, if we must drink it), but does one really need to know exactly how old their wine is when it’s in a box?

Next up for the French scientists: how to be more pretentious.

Friday morning eye opener

Good morning, Internet. This blog has seen its fair share of those random text-based ads you see on web pages, e-mail messages and search engines. Sometimes they are interesting, most of the time they are irrelevant (except, of course, for any of our advertisers), but sometimes they can be shocking.

Recently, this blog came across a Web site called (link may not be SFW, but there is no nudity) and we were shocked! How could anyone even think of dating a ferocious animal like a cougar cougar? Last time we checked, cougars are animals and we happen to be at war with animals!

Nevertheless, for some reason this site seems to be popular with women in their 40s and 50s, as well as younger men. One can choose to search through profiles to find a man, a cougar or a couple (of humans, we assume). This is just sick!

Remember folks, just because she may have a pretty smile, wag her tail and even purr when you walk in the room does not make it OK to date outside of your species–no matter how luscious those felines may look!