The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

When my wife told me she thought she was pregnant, I told her it was probably just the Mexican food. I don’t believe she’ll ever let me live that down, so I may as well put it out there myself.

She’d been telling me about odd sensations for the past day or so, and I kept explaining it away. One time I suggested that the tacos we had the night before were the cause of the weird stuff going on in her body. The next day she took a test without telling me, then walked into the room and said, “Want to hear something crazy? I’m pregnant.”

Then she went out for a run. So I was left with the pregnancy test and some questions. A quick search online showed me that there wasn’t such a thing as a false positive, only a false negative. For days I’d been trying not to get excited over nothing, and now I could let the doubt go. I was going to be a father. I cried, I prayed, and I did my best to get myself together for when my wife got back from her run so I could finally share in her excitement.

They say it’s a journey you take together, but it’s not. It’s a journey that is experienced in two completely different ways by two people. For whatever arcane societal reason, it’s all about the mother from the beginning. She has all the support and all of the knowledge that has been passed down from woman to woman since the dawn of time. Guys don’t have that. We drink beer with other guys and grunt acknowledgingly at each other, because no one wants to make it awkward by mentioning feelings. It’s just how we’ve done it since the Stone Age, and it’s served humanity pretty well, I’d say. But it meant I had to figure most of this out on my own. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

Surprise upgrade in the delivery room

"White and male?! Contrary to your name, Bentley, you've just won the race and gender lottery!"
“White and male?! Despite your name, Bentley, you’ve just won the race and gender lottery!”

A couple in Belleville, Mich., were surprised to discover that their daughter was unexpectedly upgraded to a son. They discovered the phantom penis shortly after America’s newest more likely CEO, senator, president, astronaut or just higher paid professional was removed from the mother during C-section.

The best part was that, realizing that they had planned to name their son a girl’s name, Charlee, they quickly recovered by naming him Charlie Bentley?

Oh, right. Because he’s more likely to drive one.

The British just drink better than us

The British are famous for their drinking prowess, having drained Germany dry of beer during the 2006 World Cup. (They only, however, placed 7th in actual soccer-playing that year.)

So, how do you become a champion of boozing on the world stage? The same way the Chinese do in gymnastics: by training from an early age. And Britain’s future looks bright, indeed, after eight-year-old Nancy Cameron outlasted her father, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron, at the pub on Sunday.

Eight years old, people. Fortunately, The Guys have launched an early child development product for U.S. moms: Baby Merlot — because you can learn to drink in the womb.

PSA: Things to remember when boozing

The Guys are aware that it’s tough to remember things when drinking, which is why God invented underwear and Sharpies. Drunkards, write these down before you go out:

1. Always drink from a clean glass. Minnesota beer salesman and enthusiast (because it’s not a job if it’s a passion) Joe Falkowski would like you to know that some pint glass cleaning methods leave soap residue, which can ruin the taste of your beer. Soap residue prevents suds from getting a good grip, so remember: if your beer leaves streaks, the glass is clean. (Or, basically, the opposite of how you know you’ve wiped enough.)*

2. Never tap a minor, especially as your designated driver. If you’ve had a few and absolutely must get to the store, don’t be a Shawn Weimer. Yes, your kid is probably more sober than you are right now, but that’s not a judgment call on her part. This is still the person who still needs reminders not to climb furniture ladders and finds the latest Adam Sandler releases endlessly hilarious. In short: drunk you equals sober child.

Thank you, and be sure to always drink in numbers, because that’s where safety lies.

*Special thanks to longtime friend of the site, Groonk, for the link!

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be IT professionals

A country-ass “IT professional” dad, Tommy Jordan, was shocked — shocked — that his teenage daughter posted something bitchy about her family to her friends on Facebook. So, taking a page from Dr. Spock, he took her laptop to a field and recorded a YouTube video of himself reading her post, responding to it, grounding her and then emptying his .45’s clip into said laptop for her — and we quote — “childish behavior.”

He then posted that video to her Facebook wall, from which she is grounded. (He said it was a message to her friends, who we’re sure will respond in equally mature fashion.)

That’ll teach her to be a teenager.

Since then,  “Mr.” Jordan has declined any and all interviews, saying that he can’t believe people would view what he publicly posted, respond and criticize him on television.

Baby Joan Crawford

... too far?This just in: Mommy doesn’t love you.

We’ll be right back, but after the break, we’ll show you:

  • The broken condom that ruined Daddy’s life.
  • The now unusable “Send two boys to football camp, and the third gets in FREE!” coupon.
  • The bottle of Draino we debate pouring into your formula.

We’ll laugh about this in 20 years! (Well, the rest of us will.)

Parents rejoice Putnam’s daughter

Dear parents of teenage daughters,

This blog understands that you’ve been worried about how your little angels dress when they go to school, out with friends or that sock hop they lied about. It seems like everyone–the media and clothing stores we continue to shop at–want to turn our future Presidents of the United States into little whores.

Well, good news: Emily Putnam’s daughter is wearing more modest clothing now. According to Putnam, her eight grade daughter, who may or may not have a romping social life, chose the more modest of two dresses for her middle school graduation.

So, the next time your daughter wants to go out looking like the aftermath of an ABC Afterschool Special, casually remind her about Emily Putnam’s daughter. Don’t hassle her too much: that’s the football team’s job.

Sincerely,

The Guys