When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

Seagulls are taking over England

Artist's depiction of what England looks like right now.
Artist’s depiction of what England looks like right now.

It’s shaping up to be the worst summer ever in England. Just weeks ago, an English beach suffered from snails launching from the sand. Now, there’s an attack from the air.

The seagulls on U.K. beaches are going nuts this summer. First, it was reported that a gull pecked a dog to death in Cornwall while it was outside in its own yard, then another one pecked at the head of a 66-year-old woman in the same town, or shire, or whatever. She suffered wounds to her scalp. Someone even photographed seagulls eating a rat whole. Her Majesty’s seagulls have clearly snapped.

The problem has gotten so bad that Prime Minister David Cameron has said there should be a national conversation about these dangerous birds. No, really. In the U.S., we can barely muster enough outrage to have a national conversation after a mass shooting. Do you really think our country is ready for when the animals rise up?

You Missed It: Meat lover’s edition

Also not legal in Indiana.
Also not legal in Indiana.

Easter as an adult isn’t much fun. Sure, you can enjoy an Easter lamb or ham feast, and maybe snack on some candy, but besides that, it’s sort of dull. The best you can hope for is getting excited to dress up your kid–if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s not like Christmas, which is the best day ever for children, and a license to booze for adults. We should make Easter a mini-Christmas for adults, starting with boozy office parties. If you were busy working out a nuclear deal with Iran this week, odds are you missed it.

Too much sausage for one pizza joint
This week, Indiana came under fire for passing a bill that critics say will mix church and state, and allow businesses to turn customers away for religious reasons, including if they are gay. When owners of a pizza place said they support the law, they too faced criticism. Like-minded bigots raised $400,000 for the establishment in an online campaign. Now where will Ted Cruz’s campaign getting funding from? His supporters just tapped themselves out.

A few months at sea
A passing ship saved a sailor who had been lost at sea for 66 days on Thursday. Authorities say Louis Jordan took his wooden sailboat out on a fishing trip in January. The boat capsized, most its mast, then righted itself again. He was found hundreds of miles off the coast of North Carolina by a passing cargo ship. Upon returning to land, Jordan said, “I’m happy to be alive, and Selma really got snubbed on Oscar nominations, huh?”

That’s not something to brag about
British Prime Minister David Cameron said in an interview that he is related to the Kardashians. He said they have a common ancestor, who was born in 1555. It’s good to see Europeans claiming relations to U.S. royalty for a change.

British PM fails to drown sheep

Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don't want to know.)
Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don’t want to know.)

Politically, it seems that British Prime Minister David Cameron can’t do anything right. His economy sucks and his poll numbers are sinking fast. And now? He can’t drown a sheep, not even with the help of two police bodyguards and Grade A swamp mud.

‘When I got there, David (Cameron) was in the swamp, waist-deep in mud, along with the two police,’ farmer Julian Tustian told the Daily Telegraph. ‘He was brilliant, pulling, pushing and shoving. He was covered in mud, he looked a mess.’

Nevertheless, the sheep got free and will live as a constant reminder of Cameron’s failure to drown nature’s third dumbest mammal. (The first two are ibexes and guinea pigs.) Until the U.K. repairs this leadership vacuum, the U.S. will not be able to trust them as an ally in the War on Animals, no matter how many critters they bake into pies.

Bad form, India

British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.
British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.

While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.

Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!

The British just drink better than us

The British are famous for their drinking prowess, having drained Germany dry of beer during the 2006 World Cup. (They only, however, placed 7th in actual soccer-playing that year.)

So, how do you become a champion of boozing on the world stage? The same way the Chinese do in gymnastics: by training from an early age. And Britain’s future looks bright, indeed, after eight-year-old Nancy Cameron outlasted her father, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron, at the pub on Sunday.

Eight years old, people. Fortunately, The Guys have launched an early child development product for U.S. moms: Baby Merlot — because you can learn to drink in the womb.

The Chronicles of Argentina: The Voyage of the H.M.S. Dauntless

Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.

The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.

Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.