Because April rhymes with March much better than March

Not necessarily from the people who brought you Movember (or Rick Snee) and not necessarily in the same spirit as that or a playoff beard, get ready men that produce a sufficient amount of testosterone: the Million Mustache March is on!

For April. Because consonance is for suckers, it would seem.

Even though the march is designed to take place on the first of the month, there’s no word yet on whether it’s an April Fools prank. The event, spearheaded by the American Mustache Institute, is designed to help bring attention to and successfully “provide a $250 annual tax deduction for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies” by marching on D.C.

Luckily enough, we have a guy in the area to provide a report on it: one Bryan McBournie. Better get working on that porn ‘stache so that you can blend in incognito-like.

Prepare for-The Loxbomber!

Airplane flights can be such a hassle sometimes. You’re taking off your shoes, your belt, emptying your bag and that’s just if you’re going through the easy route. If you’re not an exhibitionist, then be prepared to be subject to a happy glance.

And by glance, I mean, junk grab.

But that’s just in the terminal! Imagine having to go through annoyances once you’re on the plane-like, maybe, perhaps, a suspicious bag? That’s never enjoyable. Of course, there is a bit of satisfaction if the contents of a suspicious bag contain a bagel and cream cheese rather than things that sound like a song from Saliva. Though, some cream cheese can kill you if you eat too much of it …

Someone get me a train ticket.

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

Death can still come from above on your way to work

I live in Washington, D.C. and I take the Metro, our version of the subway. Think that’s boring? Your commute is never boring when there are birds of prey swooping down at you.

Some sort of big bird got its talon caught in the escalator of a D.C. Metro station recently. Rather than using the opportunity to kill off a beast that was no doubt circling, waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting commuter, the fire department freed the bird, which appeared to be OK.

This is why I am always on my guard. No matter where you live, you should be, too.

Puppy Gitmo is shut down

A woman faces arrest in Mount Vernon, Washington for failure to show up in court for the cruel abuse of four dogs. The other 439 policed seized from her property are apparently OK.

This story answers several questions:

  • The state of Washington is intentionally trying to confuse people by naming its landmarks after ones in the DC area.
  • Crazy dog-ladies do have favorites.

But then it raises others:

  • How bad were those dogs that they were able to single themselves out from 439 of their peers?
  • Is it cruelty if those dogs had information about the other 439’s terrierist connections?

History will judge this woman.

The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

I’ve mentioned from time to time on SeriouslyGuys that I am a resident of the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. Yes, I live just outside of our nation’s capital, which means I can go downtown and look at big marble monuments you haven’t seen since sixth grade any time I want. I have the benefits of getting local news and national news basically happening in the same place.

Best of all, I can even tell someone where I live without them furrowing their brow and replying, “Where’s that?” (Eat it, Rick and Chugs!)

So in this first-ever afternoon edition of The McBournie Minute, I politely and respectfully ask all of you out there to stay the hell away from my town this month. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

D.C. has dirty, dirty airports

A plane leaving from Washington, D.C. had more passengers than expected. While the story fails to mention from which of the three airports in the Greater Washington area took off from, we do know one thing: the region is dirty and so are its people.

That being said, it is not entirely humans’ fault on this one, several ticks stowed away on the plane, undoubtedly seeing a chance to attack passengers and crew members, possibly with hopes of taking over the plane until their demands were met.

Ladies and gentlemen, this country does not negotiate with terrorists, regardless of cause, background or species. We must all stand strong together to fight this evil. United, we can defeat TICKS ON A PLANE! (Yes, we are still making those jokes.)

In other news, you’re going to need a bigger boat.

The McBournie Minute: Save me from the superheroes

It’s not exactly news to anyone that Hollywood is out of ideas creatively. They have been for at least a decade now. Television and cinema are quite possibly the best examples of how we as Americans love having our favorite shows repackaged and sold again to us. There are so many tangents on this point, but I am going to stick with one that is especially topical this summer: superheroes.

Iron Man. The Incredible Hulk. Hancock. The Dark Knight. I myself am guilty of wanting to see these movies. In May I said I wanted to see them this summer because they looked good, but in truth, of the three out so far, I have only seen one. It is not that they suddenly lost their appeal to me, it is just that I can only watch the same thing so many times in a row and justify paying for it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Save me from the superheroes

‘Water lines’ are only the beginning

A dermatologist in Washington, DC has uncovered the latest threat to women everywhere: water lips. Specifically, Dr. Merliyn Berzin is referring to the lines that appear around your lips after sucking on sporty water bottles, cigarettes or … um, you know … for 30 or more years.

Dr. Berzin noticed more cases showing up now that women in the DC area drink water all day, believing it to be a miracle elixir that sheds excess pounds and hydrates hair, skin and nails. (Yeah, right. Next they’re gonna say we can’t live without water!)

What’s surprising about this story is that the women in the article are only complaining about the lines on their lips. There is another corresponding condition from drinking water all day: toilet-ring butt.

Yes, toilet-ring butt. A condition normally associated with people who eat too much pork is now common with women who drink water all day, every day. Women as young as 30 are showing up to doctors’ offices with bottoms that are normally found on 50-year-old Bears fans who often sit on the can for hours at a time.

There’s one answer to both of these health scourges: put down that water bottle! We hate to repeat ourselves, but you’ve left us no choice.

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.