War Journal: Washington

If there are two things that piss this blog off, it’s animals and homeless people. Just this week, our nation’s capital was under siege. Yours truly happens to live in the DC area, I supply for you now a war journal about one of the most frightening days this city has seen in seven years.

Arlington, Virginia
9/16/08
8:47 a.m.

We thought this was over. We thought we were safe from threats like this once and for all. We were wrong. I got into work this morning to hear the news that a creature of some sort was spotted putting something in a trash can in downtown D.C.

The bomb squad has been called in and a nearby Metro [subway] station has been closed down right at one of the busiest times. Let’s hope nothing happens to our boys in blue. Continue reading War Journal: Washington

Life in a fish bowl

Folks, if there is one clear threat to humanity, it’s goldfish. We are not talking about the delicious cracker-like snack that poses the ever-present danger of choking to death. No, we are talking about the actual fish. Shockingly enough, these things are still legally sold in pet stores for just a ten cents.

To make matters worse, it is getting to the point where we cannot even use them for artistic expression anymore. According to DCist, around 100 goldfish were used in an art exhibit in Washington, DC. The city later shut down the exhibit, probably because the fish are a recognized threat to the many important people who live and work in the greater Washington area.

However, some species traitor realized that when the place was closed down, those “poor, defenseless” goldfish were still trapped inside with no one to feed them their tricolored flakes. The human-hater called the Humane Society (think the animal version of the mafia), which swooped in to save 20 of the monsters. We salute any artist expression that kills animals and challenge all those who stand in the way or winning the war. Humane Society–watch your back.

Zebras really don’t change their stripes

It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.

Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.

Then this blog found another startling revelation:

“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”

The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?