Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.
Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.
Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.
Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.
According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.
At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.
You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?
If science movies like Outbreak and Nosferatu have taught us anything, it’s that it only takes a single Patient Zero to ruin life as we know it.
A Mexican migrant worker has become the first person to die in the U.S. from the bite of a spooky vampire bat. He was bitten on the heel in Mexico–which also makes this the first non-Internet foot-fetishist vampire story–and died shortly after arriving in Louisiana to work on a sugar cane plantation.
Authorities have been careful to not disclose the current location of his body as local teenage girls have begun staking out graveyards to swoon at him. This is even more problematic as he died from rabies, leaving it up in the air whether he belongs on Team Edward or Jacob.
Sherwood Schwartz, creator of The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island and their g@ddamn f$@king theme songs, died Tuesday. He has presumably already settled in his penthouse in Hell for whatever agreement he made with our dark lord and master.
California is known for insanity: electing actors to high office, San Francisco, putting a bear(!) on its flag.
But to truly peer into the madness that is our Golden State, you need look no further than its traffic. California invented “freeways,” followed quickly by “gridlock” and “smog.” Like the Huns with horseback archery, they perfected road rage and drive-by shootings. And to ease up on all of that, they invented the HOV lane to encourage carpooling.
Well, leave it to a Californian to take HOV lane rules to the EXTREME.
When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”
What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?
I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.
What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.
So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid
It’s so they know which animals to kill under mysterious circumstances.
Not 10, not 12, but 11 rare Siberian tigers have died within a three month period in one Chinese zoo.
(There are so many f#%ked up factors in that sentence that we ran out of special characters to call attention to every single one of them.)
According to Liu Xiaoqiang–local wildlife protection official–the Shenyang Forest Wild Animal Zoo not only starved the tigers, also kept them in tiny cages.
These are textbook enhanced interrogation techniques. It’s only a matter of time before any remaining tigers talk, giving zookeepers the location of hidden tiger cells.
A prosperous Year of the Tiger to us all!
Fame is a fickle mistress, much like the sea, only not as wet and the boats are soundstages.
In Hollywood, you can be famous for the roles you’ve played or famous for an astounding number of anti-semitic comments during your DUI arrest, and neither of those mean people care about you. The real testament to true fame and being beloved is how the public responds to your death.
David Carradine is dead and twitter mourns. People genuinely liked him and are affected by his loss.
It makes you wonder who else will inspire posts like this?
- David Schwimmer? Unlikely.
- Ted Danson? Only if he takes Guttenberg and Selleck down with him.
- Andie MacDowell? Depends on how Groundhog Day holds up (so, if Bill Murray keeps his nose clean, then yes).
Only time will tell. In the meantime, goodnight, Mr. Carradine, you prince of not-being-Bruce-Lee.
Between posts about drunken superheroes and Star Trek, I’ve allowed “Take it from Snee” to devolve into a frivolous, silly column. This is not good and must be remedied.
After all, it’s featured on a Web site called SeriouslyGuys — not Whimsically nor Fancy-Freeily, but Seriously. That is why I’ve decided to look at a very serious topic that deserves a straightforward, intellectual examination: what happens when we die.
It’s an important topic because, unless you’re one of the many bots trying to spam this site with porn, you are going to die. Worse yet, everyone who has died has refused to come back …. Well, there was this one guy, but we’re still arguing about what he saw.
So, I know you’re afraid of dying and the unknown, and that’s why you can take it from Snee that this is exactly what happens when you die. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby
… as of 90 years ago.
Scientists in Russia, Austria and the U.S. have finished examing the remains of the Tsar Nicholas II’s two missing children. Using DNA, medical records and forensics, they have been positively identified as dead, not living and definitely not your grandmother.
Turns out the old broad was just crazy/hated your great-grandparents. The real little princess was executed, just like those commies claimed, in 1918.
So, now that you’re not the heir to the Russian throne anymore, get back to work!