After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”
And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.
Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.
Do you hate your job because of your coworkers? Then why not apply for a new job, a better job with lots of outdoor hours and where you can kill the people you work with?
Sri Lanka is looking for a well hung mannew hangman after allowing one to retire — presumably to spend more time hanging out with his family — and promoting another one up to … firing squad captain? (Male applicants only, please. “Hangperson” just sounds stupid.)
And the best part? The country hasn’t executed a convict since 1976. But, don’t fire up that game of Minesweeper just yet: they’re looking to change that, with 480 potential clients already lined up. So, that’s good noose if you’ve been recently laid off.
I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?
Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)