Four cups of coffee a day keeps the cancer, sexy makeouts away

The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but the study couldn't find any, presumably because they live slightly out of faze in space and time.
The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but they couldn’t find any traveling slower than light.

The results of a survey started in 1982 should cause heavy coffee drinkers flash their biggest, brownest smiles: drinking four or more cups of coffee a day may cut your chances of dying from oral and throat cancers in half.

(Just to be clear: it only prevents dying from oral and throat cancers, not contracting them.)

Researchers evaluated over 968,000 cancer-free men and women in 1982. Within the next 26 years, 868 of those people had died from oral and throat cancer.

Of those with one or both cancers who hadn’t died, the researchers evaluated their lifestyles, including caffeination. Those with the cancers who drank anywhere from four to six cups of caffeinated coffee a day outlived those who drank tea, decaf and no coffee at all by nearly 50 percent.

So, Death may not have a nose, but he still doesn’t like coffee breath.

Oh, the places you’ll blow up!

It’s tough being a parent because, no matter how much you drug your kids, they just won’t stop asking questions. This will be no different about the death of Osama bin Laden.

This is a complicated topic, especially with your hangover from last night’s grave-dancing, so The Guys put together a few ways to explain:

  • “Osama’s on a terror farm upstate, where he can bomb and bomb and bomb.”
  • “He was a bad man, and bad men are punished by the government. Now, did you do your homework?”
  • “Did your friends tell you he was dead? Because that’s just what they want you to think!”

Or, you could just wait for the movie to explain it to them.

And yet plastic bags have suffocation warnings

The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.

But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.

Something about this story seems vaguely familiar

So, let me get this straight. There was a reptile? And it was located? Somewhere on a flying craft?

I have no idea what we can do with a story headline like that. No clue whatsoever.

Of course, we could just chalk up the story to “crocodiles being crocodiles,” but factor in the smuggler aspect, the airplane factor and the stampeding animals variable, and well … actually, “crocodiles being crocodiles” still probably works.

Chicken flavored ketchup?

Or perhaps it’s soylent green flavor?

Six factory workers drowned in a vat of ketchup. It’s a sticky situation that would have never happened if someone hadn’t been extra thick about safety regulations. And I imagine they’re not going to be able to shake a drop out of the company in the ensuing lawsuits.

This is the price the world pays, America, for that last little bit stuck in the bottom of the bottle you throw away instead of cutting open the bottle and digging it out with a spatula.

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?

Prick.

Take it from Snee: The Rainbow Fridge

As a Facebook user, I see what I would normally consider bright and rational people reveal just how close we all are to succumbing to pyramid schemes and cults.

Instead of convincing our friends to buy and sell Amway products, we sell them out to marketing companies through Mafia and Farmville games. When that doesn’t work, we take quizzes and publish the results so we can all form our own Hogwarts band consisting of three Harrys, two Rons and one gender-confused Professor McGonagall.

But, there’s a sneakier, insidious cult forming on Facebook and the Internet at large: dead pet mission work. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Rainbow Fridge

It was not a good day for food

We hope that you’re not eating. If you are, you might want to go ahead and finish up the mastication process, as we’d like to you finish your food.

Done?

Good. Because of those were Nestle Toll House cookies, you might have E. coli. Congratulations!

Okay, there’s a very good chance that you don’t. Still, you might want to be careful. Two samples of Nestlé’s refrigerated Toll House cookie dough from the Danville, Virginia plant tested positive for E. coli bacteria. But wait, you say. “If it’s from a plant, it could get in my mouth!”

No. The tainted dough did not leave the factory, and Nestle is not recalling any product. However, the company did say that it will close the Virginia plant for two weeks to change its cleaning and production process. So slam freshly baked cookies into your mouth all you want!

Unless they’re SpaghettiO cookies. In which case, you might want to pour out a can.

No, not for a bad reason like above. The creator of SpaghettiOs, Donald Goerke, died at the age of 83. He will best be remembered for Chunky soup, canned pasta that was able to be preserved and a sauce that I found vastly inferior to Chef Boyardee. CHEF BOYARDEE SHARKS 4 LIFE.