Inexorable march to death grows longer

Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.
Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.

Like a sweater that you never asked for, life is a gift. And now it’ll be even longer before you can get rid of it due to normal wear and tear.

The number of Americans living past 100 years old rose 40 percent since 2000. At the beginning of the Willennium, there were 50,281 centenarians; as of 2014, 72,197. Thanks to advancements in vaccines and life-extending, yet mostly terrible technologies like dialysis and artificial joints, more people are living to the point where everyone is young and awful, nothing seems familiar and everything costs more money than ever existed when you earned it.

The only plus side is that Alzheimer’s related deaths also increased by 119 percent over the same 15 years for people over 100. So, at least your last years will be a constant surprise.

China has a problem with strippers at funerals

In China, they know how to send a guy off and console the family, but the Chinese government wants to crack down on it all.

The Chinese Ministry of Culture is cracking down on strippers at funerals. According to reports there has been a rash of adult dancers performing at ceremonies celebrating the lives of the recently departed. It’s been making its way to the internet, which has prompted the government decree. The locals say the strippers are a way of attracting a larger crowd to give the deceased god fortune in the afterlife.

It’s never to soon to update those burial wishes, people.

You are going to die alone

On the other hand: people who aren't lonely are 30 percent more likely to die from Etsy-related conflict.
On the other hand: people who aren’t lonely are 30 percent more likely to die from Etsy-related conflict.

Good news, lonely people! Research indicates that, not only are you unloved and probably need a shower, but you’re also going to die sooner, too.

According to Brigham Young University (so, researchers with 10 or more people in their families — there’s your grain of salt), people who report feeling lonely, feel isolated or live alone are 30 percent more likely to die, which is the same likelihood from smoking 15 cigarettes a day or excessive drinking.

So, if you have the same likelihood of death, you might as well meet some people at your nearest bar or wherever everyone smokes at your job.

The dead are slowly taking over Facebook

When you die, your Facebook profile goes on without you. This may not sound like a problem, because it’s nice for your loved ones to have place online to remember you, but there’s a major concern here: we’re about to be overrun by the dead.

By 2065, Facebook will have more dead users than alive. About 30 million users died in Facebook’s first eight years of existence, and that trend doesn’t seem to be going away soon. In the decades ahead, more and more users will die, and Facebook will soon start to look like a zombie haven.

Remember, folks: aim for the head.

Som of a —

It turns out you can turn your vomit blood red by drinking enough of any alcohol.
It turns out you can turn your vomit blood red by drinking enough of any alcohol.

So, after all these years of drinking red wine with every meal and between for a light pick-me-up, it looks like the only people we helped live longer are vintners, who have used up all of our money on the finest doctors/wizards to keep themselves alive.

Scientists decided to, you know, do some actual observations of people (not mice) and found that everyone — wine drinkers, whiskey drinkers, kids who climb on rocks, everyonedies of heart disease and cancer at roughly the same time. Even the control group — people they shot — died of heart attacks from the shock of being shot and cancer from possibly related lead.

It’s all pointless. And worse: we ordered wine at a bar.

We need a drink.

Take it from Snee: Michael Jackson is safe again

Technically, we always preferred to think of him this way.
Technically, we always preferred to think of him this way.

Most people aren’t willing to enumerate the positives to people dying. They’re even less willing to do it in writing and publish it on the world’s most preeminent web sites because of how likely you will offend someone who knows someone who just died. I mean, the odds aren’t good: according to some random ass Internet search, 1.8 people die from death every second, so at least one of their relatives will likely stumble upon this article when Googling “inverted nipples” or “how to kill your parents.”

Fortunately, as the author of both those articles, I am not most people.

And that’s why I’m also willing to raise the stakes to explain why it’s good that the world’s most beloved/reviled song-singer is dead. And really, why it’s OK to like Michael Jackson again because he’s dead. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Michael Jackson is safe again

Four cups of coffee a day keeps the cancer, sexy makeouts away

The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but the study couldn't find any, presumably because they live slightly out of faze in space and time.
The researchers attempted to evaluate those who drank seven or more cups a day, but they couldn’t find any traveling slower than light.

The results of a survey started in 1982 should cause heavy coffee drinkers flash their biggest, brownest smiles: drinking four or more cups of coffee a day may cut your chances of dying from oral and throat cancers in half.

(Just to be clear: it only prevents dying from oral and throat cancers, not contracting them.)

Researchers evaluated over 968,000 cancer-free men and women in 1982. Within the next 26 years, 868 of those people had died from oral and throat cancer.

Of those with one or both cancers who hadn’t died, the researchers evaluated their lifestyles, including caffeination. Those with the cancers who drank anywhere from four to six cups of caffeinated coffee a day outlived those who drank tea, decaf and no coffee at all by nearly 50 percent.

So, Death may not have a nose, but he still doesn’t like coffee breath.

Oh, the places you’ll blow up!

It’s tough being a parent because, no matter how much you drug your kids, they just won’t stop asking questions. This will be no different about the death of Osama bin Laden.

This is a complicated topic, especially with your hangover from last night’s grave-dancing, so The Guys put together a few ways to explain:

  • “Osama’s on a terror farm upstate, where he can bomb and bomb and bomb.”
  • “He was a bad man, and bad men are punished by the government. Now, did you do your homework?”
  • “Did your friends tell you he was dead? Because that’s just what they want you to think!”

Or, you could just wait for the movie to explain it to them.

And yet plastic bags have suffocation warnings

The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.

But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.

Something about this story seems vaguely familiar

So, let me get this straight. There was a reptile? And it was located? Somewhere on a flying craft?

I have no idea what we can do with a story headline like that. No clue whatsoever.

Of course, we could just chalk up the story to “crocodiles being crocodiles,” but factor in the smuggler aspect, the airplane factor and the stampeding animals variable, and well … actually, “crocodiles being crocodiles” still probably works.