You Missed It: Said and done edition

The best part of the debate was before it even happened.
The best part of the debate was before it even happened.

Have you ever noticed that the people who complain about political posts on social media are the ones who post the worst stuff? They’re always the ones who share inspirational quotes, or food pictures, or a million selfies. In a non-election year, I hate hearing about your politics, too. But this is important, and people who have something to say about it have more value in my feed than cat pictures. If you were busy writing a long-winded takedown of Rick’s column this week, odds are you missed it.

Debate noticeably Boneless
The third and mercifully final presidential debate took place this week, and it was the most noted for not going off the rails for once. The biggest moment of the night was when Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet, to which the orange one replied that he wasn’t a puppet, but if he were to be one, he “would be the best, most elaborate and entertaining puppet you’ve ever seen, bleveme.”

Clap back
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week found that STD rates in the U.S. rose last year. The reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose dramatically. Also up last year: reality dating shows.

Woman defies fast food, reaches 100
A 100-year-old woman in Pennsylvania was given a surprise birthday party at her local McDonald’s, and given a certificate for free food for life at that fast food restaurant. In future news, 101-year-old woman dead of heart attack.

C-Span asks viewers to text hot takes to D.C. bartender

Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.

After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.

Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.

Facts trailing behind Trump, Carson in polls

Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok: "It wasn't me."
Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok to surgically remove himself from past quackery: “It wasn’t me.”

Last night, Republican primary candidates faced off once again in debate, this time in Colorado on CNBC. The winner? Lying and skirting questions.

  • Donald Trump denied criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for his stance on immigration, even though the words from the question came from his own web site.
  • Dr. Ben Carson denied ever promoting legally- and nutritionally-dubious supplement company Mannatech despite repeated reporting and photo evidence that he, in fact, did.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz refused to answer a question about the issues — in his case, debt and the budget deals that he opposes — because he claimed that wasn’t a question about the issues.

All in all, the Republican candidates are once again asking voters who they’re gonna believe: them, or the media that keeps quoting them. And not trusting the media is exactly how they got blindsided in 2012, lest they forget this scene:

But, hey, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they didn’t bury their heads deep enough.

Take it from Snee: The need to say … something

"A woman somewhere lost weight!? Stop fat-shaming me!"
“A woman somewhere lost weight!? Stop fat-shaming me!”

About a month ago, I explored the outrageous idea of maybe not getting so outraged in 2014. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think I could handle another 2013. My blood pressure was so high that I was sporting a non-pleated permarection. All year.

And, for the most part, we were doing OK. But this week … oh lord, this week.

But when I took a closer look at this week’s key dividing moments online, I realized something: nobody’s actually arguing with anybody.

Let’s take a closer look at what made us post in a huff this week …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The need to say … something

Perry’s performance no longer debatable

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”

His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.

Got any plans for Feb. 25?

Clinton may be more proficient, but you never know what Bush will do in the ring!THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!

February 25, 2010 (pronounced “twenty-ten”) the Decider, the Executioner-in-Chief, the Iraqi Hurt Locker, former two-term questionable election champion, George “Dubya” Bush will be in an “uncensored, unedited and unpredictable” “no-holds-barred” debate …

…against the Chubby Chaser, the Silver-Tongued Diablo de NAFTA, also a former two-term champion, Bill “The Inhaler” Clinton!

The event will occur at Radio City Music Hall in the Fightin’ Manhattan district of Fightin’ New York City, right under where they shoot the Fightin’ Saturday Night Live!

No rules! No cop-outs! Two elder statesmen will enter, and both will leave under heavy security!

THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!

BE THERE!

You Missed It: They spent how much on what? edition

The weekend is upon us. Rejoice, for a great and miraculous time of drinking and a life away from the office is upon most of America. Or maybe that’s just us. No, wait, that’s probably just us.

Oh, what’s that? We said last week that there wouldn’t be an edition of You Missed It this week? Well, we lied. About YMI not showing up this week. Rick Snee is indeed getting married tomorrow (as of this post) and Bryan McBournie will indeed be in attendance. As such, you’re stuck with me. This is your first and only warning. Nonethless, if you were busy cleaning out your retirement fund before Wall Street does it for you, odds are you missed it.

The world is on AIG’s tab

AIG, the insurance giant that was recently bailed out financially by a Congressional bill, came under fire when it was revealed that executives were sent on $440,000 retreat just days after receiving money from said bill. It was expected that along with basket-weaving, wallet-making and bug-juice drinking, they’d also learn how to make a s’more with ingredients that cost less than 45 dollar.

It’s just a case of he said, she he said

The hopes and desires of armchair politicians were sated as yet another debate between presidential candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain took place on Tuesday night. Adopting a townhall style format and moderated by Tom Brokaw, Obama was noted as looking “very statesmanlike”, while McCain drew comparisons to “your crazy Uncle Fred that’s looking for his meds”.

It’s a golden age for Unremovable Windows Inc.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average took numerous dives this week, ultimately landing at 679, the lowest level that it’s been to in 5 years (as of writing). The effect of this was so bad that even the Nikkei 225 Stock Average followed similar suit, dropping rapidly with an expected low opening. Noted French industry analyst was Doctor S. Urkelle was heard asking “Est-ce que j’ai fait cela?

Take it from Snee: Citizenship tests and ‘biased’ debates

I’ve worn many hats in my day: lover, fighter, bitch, mother, firefighter (stripper at a children’s birthday party), Corsican–this list could go on and on. But, the most important hat I’ve ever worn is that of a problem-solver, a societal engineer if you will.

Right now, we have two major problems here in America:

1) There’s a new citizenship test for immigrants who are in the process of naturalization. The only hangup is that some people think the answers might be too hard for non-English speakers.

2) The moderator for the vice presidential debate might be biased against idiots people who are really smart, but just don’t come across that way when explaining why they’re smart. Just like O.J., Sarah Palin might have a hard time Thursday night because somebody might have read a newspaper that morning.

Here’s the solution: switch the formats. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Citizenship tests and ‘biased’ debates