Deer semen is the currency of Texas politician’s campaign

Ana Lisa Garza is running for a seat in the Texas House of Representatives, and she’s challenging the long-time occupant of that seat in a primary tomorrow. There’s something different about Garza’s campaign. It’s gotten a lot of donations in the form of deer semen.

For most of the country, deer are a nuisance animal that we need to cull every year so we hit fewer of them with our cars. In Texas, they must not have this problem, because there’s a deer breeding industry. According to a report, Garza’s campaign has received some $51,000 in donation in the form of deer semen in frozen straws. The campaign has probably taken the in-kind donation and then sold the straws to keep as funding.

Fun fact: One “collection” from a buck can fill up to 60 straws.

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

Deer have no morals

It’s deer season, and out in Oklahoma, a hunter got a reminder of just why we kill these things every fall–aside from keeping their numbers from getting out of control.

Rodney Mueggenborg shot and killed a deer recently, only to find out that it was a doe with antlers. For those of you who don’t remember the Do-Re-Mi song, a doe is a female deer, and only male deer grow antlers … usually. This cross-dressing deer was all woman, but some believe it had a chemical imbalance that caused the antlers.

We’ll never know, it was made into deer sausage.

Maybe the wrong pheromone was used?

It should be no surprise that we at SG don’t particularly care much for deer. They run in packs, they appear to have no regard for the safety of others, they’re surprisingly strong for being animals and they’re creeping into our territory (this is certainly not true of the opposite).

But now? Now they’re attacking people in their home-and even worse, they’re attempting to attack the very super sensual lovemaking of the human race. This cannot happen, people! We must take the war to them! It’s time to track down the resting places of these monsters and make them bear witness to a special kind of love-gun.

And I ain’t talking about the kind KISS sings about.

It’s a forest like jungle out there

In other animal related news, those beasts are clearly looking to terrorize us, and there seems to be no limit to where they’ll go.

Obviously a tree hugging eco-terrorist, a deer bounded through a car dealership window in North Carolina, ruining part of said dealership. The American auto companies are already under enough pressure-I don’t think Chrysler needs their vehicles wrecked in the process. Unless it’s a PT Cruiser, as those are just ugly.

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting off scott-free, raccoons. Now that it’s been reported that you’re trying to take over parts of Philadelphia, it’s on like donkey kong. We know what to look for (your robber striped eyes), where to look for (trees and trash cans) and how to look for you (with lots of violent weaponry). Get ready, as your time is near.

Wildlife criminals round up

Oh, you thought we were done with the animal news earlier? My friend, those that would attempt to harm the human race come in more than just the carnivore flavor.

A creation of mankind (because the donkey and the zebra sure as shoot ain’t gonna breed themselves), the zonkey, decided to rear its ugly head and take a bite out of crime.

And by crime, I mean the foot of painter James Oleson. Which actually makes the hybrid beast the criminal. Why did it do so? Probably because it’s an animal and would kill you if it had the chance.

Of course, we’re not done yet. A New China restaurant in Middletown, Pennsylvania, had to close for the day because a male deer jumped through the window, leaving many biohazards in the eatery and damaging valuable equipment. Sadly, this is not the first time that this has happened to the restaurant (premeditated assault, anyone?). Luckily though, no one was inside.

There is some good news for that story.

The deer did not survive the ordeal. Middletown police shot and killed the animal.

Police indeed found the deer and delivered the most beautiful form of justice possible-that of the swift variety.

Deer to the ground

You know, there is a reason we hunt these guys, then stuff their heads and place them on our mantles: because we are proud of killing something that tries to kill us. Just ask Joan Nutt of Colorado, who was attacked by a deer after she simply tried to pet it.

Needless to say, Colorado wildlife officials are on our side, and have euthanized the attacker. In related news we are looking deeper into the possibility of this being the same reason Bambi’s mom was dropped.

Way to finally join the show, Japan

Deer are a fearsome and deadly animal. Like the bear, they are a godless killing machine. They willingly jump in front of cars, kamikazing into the humans’ simple transportation vehicles. Well, Japan is finally deciding to fight back. Perhaps all that time spent building robots shaped like animals was simply spy work?

The Toyoka Hunting Meister Education School (enjoy long names much?) was established in order to teach a new crop of would-be hunters how to take down these ferocious beasts, with the ever-present problem of aging limiting veteran hunters and marksmen from taking down these creatures.

The school was set up in Hyogo prefecture due to repeated calls to action in the rural prefecture for dealing with extensive farm damage, somewhere in the range of $250 million. It’s really serious.

In one spot between Kyoto and Osaka, a railway network that once stopped for nothing has been overrun by nature’s beastly onslaught, with trains forced to a standstill as a menagerie of deer, boar and monkeys invade the tracks.

You hear that? The deer are conspiring with monkeys. They can use guns. I’m bringing a kevlar vest next time I want really fresh sushi.

They probably didn’t have IDs

Once again, the animals are out to get us, but this time it’s not just us they’re after, it’s our booze. A beer store in the Greensburg, Pennsylvania metropolitan area (the most populous city in the U.S.) was invaded recently by three deer.

The animals first subdued one worker, then finding the store devoid of customers/hostage, they began jumping around cases of beer, no doubt looking for their brand. The deer were visibly drunk, as you can see in the video. From the moment they step into the store, they are stumbling and sliding around.

If there’s one thing worse than an enemy, it’s an enemy with a drinking problem because he’s not a worthy adversary. And if there’s one thing worse than an enemy with a drinking problem, it’s one who tries to swipe your booze!

You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s go extinct on The Discovery Channel

In a fair warning to all of our readers, the animals have located us. Bryan McBournie and I were nearly attacked by a group of three deer heading towards my car just outside of my apartment. Now, we were fortunate enough to stave off the attack, however, it appears that the inevitable hands-on combat will begin shortly.

In related news on the war front, we’re winning the battles, AND the war. A recent study has shown that one in four mammals on the planet are at risk of becoming extinct, while one in two species on the planet are in a decline in population.

So give us your worst, animals. PETA can only protect you for so long.