Man covered in blood says it’s from Santa Claus

There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.

In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.

This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.

Can we get a welfare check on Santa?

Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.

Deer carries out Harrison Ford-style attack on passenger jet

As many East Coast travelers know, Charlotte-Douglas International Airport is an awful, awful place. It’s the busiest airport in North Carolina, so it’s fitting that it’s such a hole. But innocent travelers found their lives in danger when a deer attacked a plane during takeoff.

According to the FAA, a jet carrying 44 passengers headed to Mississippi was struck by a deer on the runway during takeoff yesterday. The plane made it into the air, but was damaged and leaking fuel. Fortunately, it was able to make an emergency landing a few minutes later, and no humans were harmed.

This is yet another reason why you should never fly to, from or through Charlotte. There are plenty of other airports you can gamble your life on.

Man framed by deer

Traffic court is not a place you want to be. It’s a huge time commitment and usually it’s over an amount of money that’s not worth it in the end. Regardless of whether you are innocent, it’s generally to be avoided. But what if police have the wrong guy?

In Massachusetts, claimed just such a thing over a speeding ticket. He told a judge that not was he not speeding when police pulled him over, but that the real offender wasn’t even human. In fact, a speeding deer that was to blame. The man claimed the police officer’s radar gun had actually caught the speed of a nearby deer, rather than his car.

The judge upheld the speeding ticket fine, and the deer remains at large.

Deer prove they are superior runners

Deer hate us, which is why they throw themselves in front of our cars on dark nights. But it turns out they just hate us moving in general.

A herd of deer charged at a college cross country race in in Pennsylvania last weekend. Justin DeLuzio was solidly in the middle of the pack during the footrace, when a dozen or so deer crossed the group’s path. One deer ran into DeLuzio, knocking him head over heels. Bruised, but not broken, he got up and kept running.

The deer remain at large.

Never get yer sword bitten

Ahoy, me hearties! As ye know, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, an’ the Guys are here to celebrate it. However, this post comes with a trigger warnin’: if ye are a man, ye may want to skip this one. Turn back now, here there be monsters.

We take ye to Austria, where a casual drive ended up with a landlubbber having surgery on his plank. Accordin’ to authorities, a man and a wench were out for a drive, and to use the medical terminology, the woman was performin’ a sword-swallowing trick fer the man, who was drivin’. A deer suddenly jumped out in front o’ the car, causing the man to slam on the brakes, and the woman accidentally bit down.

Luckily, surgeons say the wound to the man’s manhood was superficial, and he should be out o’ dry dock soon.

Deer eat birds, nothing will ever make sense again

Every year when deer hunting season begins, there are always people who protest the sanctioned murder of the animals, completely forgetting that they throw themselves at our cars and try to starve us out by eating our crops. We’ve got another reason to continue killing.

It turns out, white tail deer eat birds. We thought these adorable beasts only ate vegetation, but according to nesting cams set up on federal land in North Dakota have caught deer in the act. What’s even more shocking is that this has apparently been known in the wildlife community for years, yet somehow it is only now coming to light.

We smell a coverup.

Humanity shines in face of animal terrorism

We won’t back down. As we move closer and closer to the holiday season, our wartime enemies, the animal kingdom, attempt to throw everything at us. Because of their lack of opposable thumbs and indoor heating, animals are not able to survive the winter, with the exception of a select few of their specialized troops, giving us the advantage.

Reptiles are the first of their warriors to go down. Given their cold-blooded bodies, it of course makes sense that they’d throw their largest warriors in a last-ditch attempt, and they did just that over the weekend in Lakeland, Florida. A local man was able to dispatch a 12 foot long, over 700 pound monster alligator. It may not be hold the record for the largest or heaviest alligator in the state, but Lakeland residents will be able to sleep soundly knowing that they won’t have to contend with such a horrific beast.

What I tell you next, though, may put you through an emotional roller coaster. Almost two months ago, an Arkansas girl was involved in an accident that saw a deer come through opposing traffic and place itself through her driver’s side window, impaling her through her jaws with its antlers. It’s a terrifying event to happen. We’re proud and overjoyed to say that now, Tori Henry has nearly fully recovered, with simply a small scar to show. Even better, that villainous deer is dead and no more.

Take that, nature.

Vampire deer exist, time to update your list of fears

We thought we had gotten rid of deer with huge friggin’ fangs decades ago. We were wrong.

Researchers with the Wildlife Conservation Society have found a Kashmir musk deer in northeastern Afghanistan. It’s the first one observed since 1948. While finding a rare deer doesn’t seem like big news, it’s particularly concerning that this deer has long fangs that hang out of its mouth.

There’s also the whole thing about surviving in a country that’s been the scene of one war or another for the past 30 years that makes this even scarier.

Deer can attack from above

It should go without saying that this is a bad time of year to be outdoors, but consider this a reminder that you’re never safe from animals, even as winter creeps closer.

A woman in Virgina thought she was safe while jogging at night, when suddenly, a deer fell on her. Apparently, the deer was struck by a car, went airborne, then came down on the path beside the road, and the jogger.

Both the driver and the jogger were taken to the hospital, the flying deer escaped authorities.