We need to make movies about other holidays. We only make ones about Halloween and Christmas, and that’s probably why people like them so much. We force feed ourselves images of why these days are special and that’s all we focus on. I want us to make some movies about the magic of Thanksgiving, where everyone dunks everything they eat in gravy, and then falls asleep on the couch drunk by 5 p.m. If you were busy getting benched this week, odds are you missed it.
Never become the story
This week, Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.
Oye! Oye! Oye!
A prominent Anglican priest in London this week encouraged followers to pray that Prince George, 4, is gay. I just don’t think I’ll ever understand these old royal engagement traditions.
Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware on Thursday. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.
We’re doing our best, everyone, but The Guys can’t do it alone.
The not-biased-at-all-sounding National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism released a report this week listing the drunkest states in the Union per capita. Sadly, Virginia, where all four Guys reside, is not #1. We’re not even in the top half. Virginia is the 38th drunkest, consuming only 2.13 gallons of alcohol per capita in 2012, which makes us one of the preachy buzzkills at the party.
New Hampshire and Delaware took first and second, with 4.65 and 3.59 gallons per capita, respectively, but they’re gaming the system. They’re both small states with no tax charged on alcohol, so of course people will cross the board for their booze. New Hampshire has exits on either side of Interstate 95 specifically for liquor stores for travelers on their way to a better state to stop and drink in.
That means that third place, North Dakota, with 3.42 gallons, earns our respect. That state’s just drinking to keep warm.
We could just declare that Delaware is now property of the bees, but we refuse to secede a portion of our great country to them. Better to rid ourselves of them all and start anew. Legislators, make the right call.
Last year, I gave a quick glance at a movie called “Frankenfish.” It’s a fun little film but completely fictional. Little did I know that it would actually be a near-documentary.
About 10, maybe 15 years ago, I can remember hearing about snakeheads, an invasive predator that somehow made it into the DC-Maryland area ecosystem. Times have not changed the situation except for the worse. They’re now being found in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Nicknamed as frankenfish, seemingly because of their near patchwork make-up and their willingness to throw a young girl into a lake at a moment’s notice, these little monsters are on the loose … again.
They’re strong survivors
They’re resilient, ruthless and murderous
They have no fear of humans
They can adapt
It’s clear that we need to eradicate them. Who’s to say that after they’ve wiped out entire ecosystems, they don’t adapt and evolve legs? It’s a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. The best plan is to blow them all out of the water. If other animals get caught in that crossfire, more’s the better.
The news is kind of like your parents, in that, they don’t always get the terms right when detailing a story to you, but you appreciate the effort just so much. My own mother has spent time asking me how a Ridiculous (Ludacris) concert that I went to was. I’ve even heard some parents of my friends ask them about the “internets” and if they have enough “Gaggles” in their computer.
Except, it’s not really a flash mob, so much as a conspiratorial group. Yes, they may have all planned it on a social networking site, but a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine was set up on Facebook. That doesn’t exactly mean we’re going to break into a song and dance.
Also, Sears? Really, group of thieves? You couldn’t do anything more high class and less portrait studio-y?
The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.
Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.
But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.
So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.