The drunkest states in the Union list is out

We’re doing our best, everyone, but The Guys can’t do it alone.

The not-biased-at-all-sounding National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism released a report this week listing the drunkest states in the Union per capita. Sadly, Virginia, where all four Guys reside, is not #1. We’re not even in the top half. Virginia is the 38th drunkest, consuming only 2.13 gallons of alcohol per capita in 2012, which makes us one of the preachy buzzkills at the party.

New Hampshire and Delaware took first and second, with 4.65 and 3.59 gallons per capita, respectively, but they’re gaming the system. They’re both small states with no tax charged on alcohol, so of course people will cross the board for their booze. New Hampshire has exits on either side of Interstate 95 specifically for liquor stores for travelers on their way to a better state to stop and drink in.

That means that third place, North Dakota, with 3.42 gallons, earns our respect. That state’s just drinking to keep warm.

We are now 49 states

We’re making a judgement call, and it’s not going to be a popular one, but it’s the right decision to make: we must cover the state of Delaware in the cleansing power of fire. Delaware is no more.

We say this because a truck overturned on I-95 in Newark. The truck was believed to have contained 20 million bees. That’s 20 million bees that are now free from their hives.

We could just declare that Delaware is now property of the bees, but we refuse to secede a portion of our great country to them. Better to rid ourselves of them all and start anew. Legislators, make the right call.

Nature continues with super pisces

Last year, I gave a quick glance at a movie called “Frankenfish.” It’s a fun little film but completely fictional. Little did I know that it would actually be a near-documentary.

About 10, maybe 15 years ago, I can remember hearing about snakeheads, an invasive predator that somehow made it into the DC-Maryland area ecosystem. Times have not changed the situation except for the worse. They’re now being found in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Nicknamed as frankenfish, seemingly because of their near patchwork make-up and their willingness to throw a young girl into a lake at a moment’s notice, these little monsters are on the loose … again.

  • They’re strong survivors
  • They’re resilient, ruthless and murderous
  • They have no fear of humans
  • They can adapt

It’s clear that we need to eradicate them. Who’s to say that after they’ve wiped out entire ecosystems, they don’t adapt and evolve legs? It’s a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. The best plan is to blow them all out of the water. If other animals get caught in that crossfire, more’s the better.

Well, if anyone could keep a highway clean …

Remember way back to yesterday when we told you how the Nebraska DMV refused to issue a “420” license plate on the grounds that it could be pro-pot, Columbine or Hitler? Well, the Delaware Department of Transportation does not share their reluctance to one of those opinions.

Definitely flash mob, not flush mob

The news is kind of like your parents, in that, they don’t always get the terms right when detailing a story to you, but you appreciate the effort just so much. My own mother has spent time asking me how a Ridiculous (Ludacris) concert that I went to was. I’ve even heard some parents of my friends ask them about the “internets” and if they have enough “Gaggles” in their computer.

Another example: a Delaware newspaper has a story about a flash mob marching together into a Philadelphia Sears and running off with tons of merchandise.

Except, it’s not really a flash mob, so much as a conspiratorial group. Yes, they may have all planned it on a social networking site, but a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine was set up on Facebook. That doesn’t exactly mean we’re going to break into a song and dance.

Also, Sears? Really, group of thieves? You couldn’t do anything more high class and less portrait studio-y?

Prove it by taking a shower with us

There are certain sentences that, when uttered, assure the world that you have no hope of ever winning your election:

  • “I don’t have to tell anyone where I buried her.”
  • “Is it just me, or are Laotians kind of smarmy?”
  • “YEEEAAAAAAARGH!”
  • “I’m not a witch.”

Delaware Republican Senate candidate and late night television darling, Christine O’Donnell released a new ad, saying that she is–in fact–“not a witch.” She went on to claim that she is you.

Yes, you. Unless you’re a witch. Then she isn’t you.

… Or is she? Don’t look in the mirror!

Delaware’s suddenly a sexy state

The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.

Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.

But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.

So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.

*Speaking of: Hey! It’s Constitution Day!

To B-cup, or not to B-cup

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!

Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.

The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:

“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”

It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:

  1. According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
  2. Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?