Here’s a thought exercise for you: If no one votes in an election, is it really an election?
In McIntire, Iowa, not a single one of the town’s 70 registered voters showed up to vote in a special election on two ballot issues regarding the terms of the mayor and town council members. The poll workers, who lived in other towns and couldn’t vote, sat around for nine hours in hopes of someone showing up to cast their vote, a right that their forefathers had fought and died to defend — but not a soul showed up.
The Guys support a lot of scientific ideas, but the existence of alternate universes based on the chaotic actions of the universe has not been one of them. However, the evidence in Hong Kong is stark and, frankly, conclusive: an alternative universe exists where Kenny G is still relevant, and it has intersected with our own.
If you haven’t noticed the change and believe that adult contemporary alto sax player Kenny G always was and remains relevant, let us tell you about our universe before students in Hong Kong protested in favor of freely nominating and electing their own leaders.
In our universe, Kenneth Bruce Gorelick — or, to his friends and people who survived the Cosby Cancellation Riots of the late 1990s, Kenny G — released two inexplicably, yet massively successful albums: Duotones in 1986 and Breathless (get it!?) in 1992. He was the Norah Jones of what musicologists would later term the Hootie Era, and then he gracefully disappeared.
But, in the intersecting alternative universe, Kenny G became a popular performer in China and recorded a song, “Going Home,” that is now the universally recognized audio cue for Chinese people to not necessarily go home, but stop staying in the venue playing it.
And, to make matters worse, neither side is entirely sure what his inter-dimensional presence at the protest means, but figuring it out is vitally important to both of them. Either he’s letting the protesters know that it’s time to clear the public square and go home, or he’s yet another Westerner trying to undo Chinese communism and, quite possibly, the fabric of space-time itself.
Whatever the case, we wish him all the success in the world. (Would you really miss this universe?)
Hello, and welcome to another edition of Explaining [U.S. political institution] to Foreigners and Children! But, more importantly …
Congratulations on downloading and installing Democracy® on your PC or Mac-based national operating system! Upgrading to Democracy® from previous systems of government may include complications, particularly if replacing a strong arm dictator that ate up all of your resources. This manual should help you navigate the pitfalls that may occur when new users attempt to operate unfamiliar Democratic™ applications, like FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™.
Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.
Polish singer Sara May (a.k.a. Katarzyna Szczolekis) is running for a Warsaw district council seat, and she’s found just the means to win Maxim international votes. Her latest campaign posters feature her in a bikini, lounging on the sand and captioned, “Beautiful, independent, competent.”
Hailing from the country that brought back democracy after the Greeks ran it into the ground, we’d like to say that this is a disgrace and should cost her the election, but it worked in Massachusetts.
Folks, there is a lot at stake in this November’s election. But somehow the stakes just got higher. This election, has now heard from another demographic, but this time one that we should fear. We’ll let the headline speak for itself:
Dead veterans happy to rock again for Obama
Yes, zombies seem to have endorsed Sen. Barack Obama. Worst of all, these zombies seem to have military training and musical prowess. This is the worst kind of zombie. It is a bigger threat than simply running for office, stealingmoney from us or acting, they are trained to kill and much worse, jam for 20 minutes on the same song. Citizens, we need to hunt down the undead now!