(Actual) clown running for Congress

With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.

Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.

So, he’s a sad clown.

Once an astronaut, always an astronaut?

The Sacramento Superior Court ruled Thursday that Jose Hernandez, a former NASA astronaut who served for two weeks aboard the International Space Station, can list himself as an astronaut on California’s primary election ballot. His occupation listing was challenged by “a Sacramento law firm with ties to top state Republicans,” who maintain that since Hernandez hasn’t been in space or NASA since January 2011, that being a rocket man is no longer his primary occupation.

Considering that only 327 Americans have gone into space since 1961 — and because he is probably a carrier of Space Madness (which we’ve previously warned about) — we’re pretty sure he’s considered an astronaut for the rest of his life. Besides, check out his Wikipedia page: Jose Hernandez (astronaut).

After all, once we sell this site to a Czech communal comedy farm, we’re still going to list ourselves as Guys.

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Longtime readers may recall that for three glorious days back in 2008, I was a legal subject of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II (long may she reign so that Camilla may not). Bermuda was a welcome vacation from the U.S. because it was an election year, but alas, the natives knew all about it and would ask tourists who we’re going to vote for.

What was most striking was that, although they knew the names, they still didn’t quite grasp the subtleties or history behind the American political parties or why one American would support one over another.

It is in the spirit of not knowing what a Tory or Socialist is that I’ve assembled this handy guide to the great and small political parties of these United States for foreigners and children. (For best use, please print this out onto a 4 x 11-inch note card, and keep it in your wallet with a magnifying glass.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.

I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.

“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”

The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.

I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

Urination: A human rights issue

From the immortal children's classic, 'Green Legs and Piss.'Town Hall Participant: “[… In conclusion,] don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

Rep. Pete Stark (D-California): OK. I won’t pee on your leg.

Media: OMG! Rep. Stark refuses to pee on his constituent’s leg!

And then the same news sources ask why everyone’s tone is unconcillatory during this healthcare debate.

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.

Take it from Snee: Citizenship tests and ‘biased’ debates

I’ve worn many hats in my day: lover, fighter, bitch, mother, firefighter (stripper at a children’s birthday party), Corsican–this list could go on and on. But, the most important hat I’ve ever worn is that of a problem-solver, a societal engineer if you will.

Right now, we have two major problems here in America:

1) There’s a new citizenship test for immigrants who are in the process of naturalization. The only hangup is that some people think the answers might be too hard for non-English speakers.

2) The moderator for the vice presidential debate might be biased against idiots people who are really smart, but just don’t come across that way when explaining why they’re smart. Just like O.J., Sarah Palin might have a hard time Thursday night because somebody might have read a newspaper that morning.

Here’s the solution: switch the formats. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Citizenship tests and ‘biased’ debates

Take it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur


OK, I’ve kept my mouth (fingers?) shut–politically–since the Democratic primary. I mean, there isn’t much to this presidential race right now.

In the one corner, you’ve got Barack Obama. He’s young, black, has only served in Congress for four years and is a Democrat. Despite all of that, he’s running a smart campaign with few gaffes, won plenty of German votes and has managed to avoid any accusation of extra-marital affairs.

In the other corner, there’s John McCain. He’s old, white, has served in Congress for almost as long as I’ve been alive, nearly won the nomination in 2000 and is a Republican AND war vet. Sure, he’s had his mix-ups like outdated geography and screwing up the dance steps to the Macarena, but that’s been the winning formula since 1789, when George Washington shooed the first kids off the South Lawn.

So, no offense to Senator Obama, but why on Earth is McCain looking so bad? Is he really this clueless, or is there someone sabotaging his campaign? Continue reading Take it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur