Yoink

Insert phrase about how medical professionals do nothing but take your money here.

We at SG aren’t particularly keen on having to visit the dentist. It isn’t that we don’t take care of our teeth (I personally brush my teeth 3 times a day with lard with lardpaste with toothpaste), we just feel that people that want to poke around in our mouths with metallic objects creep us the hell out. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sure, but sometimes a dude that’s constantly wanting you to open your mouth so he can mess around in it with sharp implements is just a guy that may be of questionable morality.

As such, it doesn’t surprise us at all that Richard Ludwig, a millionaire-value level dentist, decided to not turn in a credit card that he found in a parking lot, but to instead go out for pizzas with it.

Deputies say that when they asked him why he took the card and used it, Dr. Ludwig told them, “I picked up the card, what was I supposed to do with it?” The odd thing was, deputies say the dentist had $250.00 in his wallet the entire time.

Check out the mugshot. I’m not saying that Ludwig has ever killed a person, much less injured anybody, but the sheriff’s department might want to open up some cold case files.

Dentists inflict craft on hapless Valentines

For some people, Valentine’s Day is the worst day in the world. Couples and card companies join forces to rub sex and candy into single people’s faces.

This year, however, was worse.

Dentists across the U.S. lured countless patients into their clutches to do what they love most: to denter. Or to dentrify. Dent? Whatever.

The point is that they performed free procedures on unwitting people, inflicting even more pain. “Happy Valentine’s, here’s a root canal out of the goodness of my heart.”

This may be the worst gift since that scorching case of “love bumps” that we got from Free Whorehouse Day in ’04. (Thanks a lot for that idea, Chugs.)