Last week, there was a police involved shooting at a distillery/nightclub in Denver last weekend. That’s generally not fodder for a humor blog, is it? Well, the shooting was accidental, and it has a happy ending. We promise.
Last Saturday, an off-duty FBI agent was getting down on the dance floor, finishing off his moves with a backflip. The only problem is that during the backflip, the pistol in his waistband flew out. The agent immediately grabbed the gun, but pulled the trigger in the process, shooting someone probably in the foot.
Now, accidentally being shot by an off-duty FBI agent who shouldn’t have had his gun on him in the first place is kind of like winning the lottery on its own, because you know the feds are going to pay. But it gets even better, because the distillery has promised the victim free drinks for life.
See? Happy ending.
In Colorado, it may be winter, but the animals keep up their assaults.
Travelers parking at Denver International Airport may want to think about taking a cab instead. The place is reportedly infested with rabbits, even though it’s cold outside, and these varmints are chewing the brake lines and other wiring in cars. It goes without saying that at the very least, this does thousands of dollars worth of damage. At worst, it can end up killing someone.
Sounds like it’s time to lengthen rabbit season — and duck season, while we’re at it.
Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.
We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.
We found a new one for you to go after: texting.
Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.
The Neo-Nazis may be cleaning up a town near you!
Did that just send chills down your spine? Then shame on you, because at least one branch of America’s Nazi Party has adopted a 1 mile stretch of highway in a Denver suburb.
It’s a win-win situation.
As Doug Neal, the group’s spokesfuhrer, put it, they’ll be seen “doing good things,” much like the sentiment of Hitler “doing good things” for Germany before those things were overshadowed by trifles like genocide and waging a war of global domination.
And, the suburb is allegedly relieved since the previous highway clean-up was performed by members of the Aryan Brotherhood from the local prison. At least these Nazis aren’t convicted felons, right?
What’s wrong SG-ite? Feeling let down that one public display of nudity has been ended? Well, fret not! Naked bike protesters have begun striking in Denver—and once again, the Guys had to skip the festivities due to a severe banana seat injury we sustained a while ago.
But, you know, we’d really rather not go into details about that.