Perry creates job at Department of Energy

“I just created a job! You’re welcome, America.”

Rick Perry begins the confirmation process Thursday for a position that, had he won the presidency in 2012, would not exist today: leading the Department of Energy. In 2011, he felt that the DOE had only one function — giving oil barons migraines — but, he’s changed his tune now that he discovered one more function: giving him a job.

‘My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the Department of Energy do not reflect my current thinking,’ Perry said in prepared remarks planned for delivery at his confirmation hearing. ‘In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.’

In Perry’s defense, he never actually said that he would get rid of the only serious job offer he’s received since putting on nerd specs for his LinkedIn profile picture. He said he would eliminate “Commerce, Education and the um …”

See? The DOE lives thanks to the leadership presented by then failed presidential candidate Perry. So, when you think about it, who better to usher it into its post-relevancy era?

Your pumpkin is causing icebergs to melt

It’s nearly Halloween, and across the country, Americans are carving their gourds into geeky things in hopes of going viral for an hour, while others just draw a face and leave it at that. If you have a pumpkin, congratulations, you’re ruining the environment.

According to a report from the Department of Energy, pumpkins are making climate change worse. An estimated 1.3 billion pounds of rotting pumpkin meat will end up in U.S. landfills this year. And while making our landfills into big pumpkin pies might sound like fun, it turns out that all that rotting flesh is letting off methane as it disintegrates. And methane is a greenhouse gas.

Couple that with all of the smoke coming off of that little candle inside your jack-o-lantern, and you’ve got a climate change bomb, just as the devil wanted.