The Guys will be honest with you: we don’t care much for Detroit. We’d say it’s not necessarily because of the town, but frankly, it’s totally because of the town. Detroit is a town that evokes the setting of Mad Max and The Road Warrior movies. It’s a war-torn country, despite being a town that’s never been in a battle.
And those were the goods day when the city had money! Now that’s it broke, it looks like a SyFy pictures version of The Road Warrior: emphasis on the car in carnage.
That’s why it only makes sense that when a youngster decided to help out his city’s financial problems by selling lemonade, the city would get right behind him and help him out. Why does it make sense?
Because only something sour and tart can survive in Detroit.
With the exception of this current generation (a pox upon you and your letters U, L and O, might I add!), everyone on the planet has seen The Flintstones. A pterodactyl caws. A giant rack of meat tips a car over. A man slides down a brontosaur. Cars are propelled and stopped by the lowest appendages. An animal of some sort shrugs and says “It’s a living.”
All of these are aspects of the show that get repeated over and over and over in every episode. Pterodactyls do not caw. Giant racks of meat cannot tip a car over. Men cannot slide down brontosaurs. And cars cannot be stopped with your feet.
But a triceratops living under your sink as a garbage disposer? Oh yeah, they definitely say shrug and say “It’s a living.” See, it’s funny because they’re dead inside.
Robert Sayegh, author of the soon-to-be-released children’s book The Secret Origin of Mirrors, was pulled off of his plane before takeoff for allegedly using the f-word in exasperation. His flight had been delayed from taking off in Detroit, leading to the bombing of the plane.
According to Sayegh himself, he may have uncapped the detonator on that f-bomb twice, directing it at himself, possibly towards his shoes or underwear.
Atlantic Southeast Airlines is currently investigating the events on Flight 5136 and cannot confirm at this time how many onboard were hurt or killed by Sayegh’s invective. They could not state conclusively for now whether they will retire the flight number after this tragedy, but can say with certainty that everyone on board is “a goddamn hero, each and every one of the bastards.”
Despite two dissenting votes, the U.S. Supreme Court has definitively ruled that a jury can hear dead people.
Actually, they decided that a witness’s dying words are now admissible in court, which means attorneys finally have a case against those drapes that killed Oscar Wilde.
Just like in the cinematic documentary Robocop, Detroit’s government, despite everything it’s trying to do, can’t stop progress. And by progress, we mean horrific downfall based on a fictional movie.
I’m pretty sure I just contradicted the very first part of this post. Meh. How about life imitating art? Yeah, that works!
A Kickstarter program has been created by fans to fund the creation of the Robocop statue. This was finished in less than a week thanks to the Omni Consumer Products company donating 25 large to the project. No, that actually happened. Imagine a world where Eminem is replaced by a large bronze statue in commercials showing off Detroit. The only real fees would be licensing for voices! That’s it (for the most part)! Peter Weller could be at the unveiling! People could fly around on jet-packs! Bums left and right!
Oh wait, that last one’s already true.
Detroit has, for some years, struggled with it’s image … Alright, who are we kidding here? Detroit sucks.
The most iconic things to come out of it since Motown are Eminem, Kid Rock, the Lions, Home Improvement and Chrysler. The only way that list could include more failure is if a Detroit-based medical lab accidentally developed AIDS while working on a cancer cure. (For the CIA, of course.)
And there’s been no movement to fix that–not until a recent Internet poll by Mayor Dave Bing. Unfortunately, Mayor Bing has rejected your suggestion to erect a statue to Robocop.
[Special thanks to Matt Staggs.]
Oh retail. You provide us with so many wonderful stories.
Four cops in a Detroit suburb overpowered a 43-year-old man who tried to return an Xbox without a receipt at a Gamestop and, once rebuffed, got so pissed that he threatened to kill someone.
These days, “I’m gonna kill someone,” are usually the magic words for a big time police response. When the dissatisfied customer left to get something from his vehicle, police answered a 911 call and did something called “active shooter response.” After cuffing the guy, they only found a stun gun on him. Coincidentally enough, possession of a stun gun is illegal in Michigan. Book ’em, Dan-o.
For raising a ruckus, he now faces a felony for the stun gun and a disorderly conduct misdemeanor. Nice one, dude.
Remember mail? It was like e-mail, but with a much higher risk of paper cuts and a much lower risk of young co-eds wishing to become your friend. Apparently mail is still around, but people aren’t using it as much anymore.
Word just came in that the U.S. Postal Service posted a $3.8 billion loss for the 2009 fiscal year, or as Detroit calls it, Monday. The Postal Service isn’t doing so well, while Federal Express (FedEx) and UPS (UPS) are struggling because private companies just can’t compete with federal agencies, isn’t that right, teabaggers?
OK, so maybe the Postal Service needs some help. They’re planning to stop shipments on Saturdays to save money, but what they really need is some fresh eyes on the problem. Luckily for America, I just happen to be willing to lend my services. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss
GM announced on Wednesday that it will shut down their Saturn line. The decision was made after Saturn’s potential buyer, Penske Automotive Group, came to their senses after this alleged conversation with their friends:
Penske: So, I’m seriously thinking about buying a new car.
Friend: Yeah? What kind?
Penske: A Saturn.
Friend: A … Saturn? Really? Why?
Penske: Well, they’ve been having trouble lately and it’s important to buy American … auto industry failing … Detroit … Lions embarassment to football and whatever the Redskins play …
Friend: You know there are other American car brands out there? You know that, right? That aren’t Saturn?
Penske: Yeah … it was just, you know, an idea …
Officially past the quarter mark of the 2008 MLB season and we’ve had some surprises, some things we’ve expected and the last place Yankees. We’re going to size up the top teams in each league, then give you the one team to look out for. Us in the sporting world call this the “wild card,” look it up.
At 31-20 the newly christened Tampa Bay Rays have the best percentage mark thus far. I really like the Rays, their young talent is spry and standing tall like a seasoned porn vet. The longevity of this club to sustain season-long success isn’t going to hold though. It’s going flop like Ron Jeremy staring down a donkey. Don’t expect the Yankees to finish in the cellar, but don’t expect them to beat out Boston or Tampa either. The Rays’ pitching will falter down the stretch, and look for the Sox to take the crown, but the Rays in the wild card. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls