Bank teller walks away from would-be robber

It seems like every week we hear about more humans losing their jobs because of automation (read: robots). How can a human that expects pay possibly compete with machine slave labor? The answer is in banking.

Thanks to ATMs, the only reason people actually walk into a bank anymore is to rob it, but a bank teller in Detroit was having none of it. According to reports, a man walked into a bank in suburban Detroit and handed the teller a note saying that he was armed. The bank teller simply walked away, forcing the would-be robber to leave empty-handed.

The inefficiency of the American worker thwarted a bank robbery. Meanwhile, you can empty an ATM with nothing but a drill and a gadget you can make for $15. We win this round.

Devil may care: Satanists quarrel in Detroit

In case you haven’t heard, it’s not the best time to be in Detroit. Tax revenue is gone, jobs are scarce, crime is up, fires are up, drugs are up (probably). It’s like all hell has broken loose. Now it finally has.

A Satanist group is moving into the Detroit metro area (widely scene as a hellhole), and they are seeing some protests. What’s surprising is that those protests are coming from Satanists that already live there. The original Satanist group is spitting hellfire at the newcomers because they don’t really worship Satan, which is kind of the point of Satanism. Rather, these upstarts are atheists and use logic and reason. But “Reasonism” just doesn’t sound as likely to make your parents ashamed.

It’s comforting to see that Satanism is just like any other religion: given enough time, people will start to fight amongst themselves about who worships correctly. Only in this case, being called a heathen isn’t really an insult.

Welcome to the flowery skies of Detroit

Do you live in Detroit? If so, may God have mercy on you. If you’re still living in Detroit, do you like flowers?

Because now you have a chance of having your flowers, those items designed to warm your heart, delivered by the cold, metallic hands of a drone.

IT’S LIKE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO CREATE THE WORLD OF ROBOCOP!

We’ve had our stereotypes wrong this entire time

People, people, people, you know how it’s been a known fact for the longest time that Canadians are very kind and friendly (perhaps too much), even in the face of a jerk? Well, thanks to just two Canadian women, we don’t think it’s too out of line to now paint their entire country with a different brush.

A mother and daughter team were pulled away at the Detroit-Windsor tunnel on their way to the airport. Why so? Because their heaving bosoms were overflowing, nay, spilling out of their brassieres. Except what was spilling out was actually a lot of money. And by a lot, we mean $59 grand.

All in all, police found $73 grand on them. Even in Canadian currency (which is plastic, smells of syrup and has ducks on it), that’s still a lot of moola. Hope her heaving bosom wasn’t hot enough to melt the evidence.

The bronze god of justice is here

10 feet tall. Both foam and bronze. A future beacon of both robo-osity and justice.

People, we present to you the early stages of the Robocop statue that was created through funding via a Kickstarter campaign and will be displayed in Detroit. What we cannot present to you is exactly where it will be standing. Nor can we present to you the super secret way to override Objective 4.

Of course Detroit likes lemon water

The Guys will be honest with you: we don’t care much for Detroit. We’d say it’s not necessarily because of the town, but frankly, it’s totally because of the town. Detroit is a town that evokes the setting of Mad Max and The Road Warrior movies. It’s a war-torn country, despite being a town that’s never been in a battle.

And those were the goods day when the city had money! Now that’s it broke, it looks like a SyFy pictures version of The Road Warrior: emphasis on the car in carnage.

That’s why it only makes sense that when a youngster decided to help out his city’s financial problems by selling lemonade, the city would get right behind him and help him out. Why does it make sense?

Because only something sour and tart can survive in Detroit.

‘FEETS, DON’T FAIL ME NOW!’

With the exception of this current generation (a pox upon you and your letters U, L and O, might I add!), everyone on the planet has seen The Flintstones. A pterodactyl caws. A giant rack of meat tips a car over. A man slides down a brontosaur. Cars are propelled and stopped by the lowest appendages. An animal of some sort shrugs and says “It’s a living.”

All of these are aspects of the show that get repeated over and over and over in every episode. Pterodactyls do not caw. Giant racks of meat cannot tip a car over. Men cannot slide down brontosaurs. And cars cannot be stopped with your feet.

But a triceratops living under your sink as a garbage disposer? Oh yeah, they definitely say shrug and say “It’s a living.” See, it’s funny because they’re dead inside.

Robert Sayegh and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Flight Delay

Robert Sayegh, author of the soon-to-be-released children’s book The Secret Origin of Mirrors, was pulled off of his plane before takeoff for allegedly using the f-word in exasperation. His flight had been delayed from taking off in Detroit, leading to the bombing of the plane.

According to Sayegh himself, he may have uncapped the detonator on that f-bomb twice, directing it at himself, possibly towards his shoes or underwear.

Atlantic Southeast Airlines is currently investigating the events on Flight 5136 and cannot confirm at this time how many onboard were hurt or killed by Sayegh’s invective. They could not state conclusively for now whether they will retire the flight number after this tragedy, but can say with certainty that everyone on board is “a goddamn hero, each and every one of the bastards.”

12 Angry Haley Joel Osments

Despite two dissenting votes, the U.S. Supreme Court has definitively ruled that a jury can hear dead people.

Actually, they decided that a witness’s dying words are now admissible in court, which means attorneys finally have a case against those drapes that killed Oscar Wilde.

Kickstarter > ED-209

Just like in the cinematic documentary Robocop, Detroit’s government, despite everything it’s trying to do, can’t stop progress. And by progress, we mean horrific downfall based on a fictional movie.

I’m pretty sure I just contradicted the very first part of this post. Meh. How about life imitating art? Yeah, that works!

A Kickstarter program has been created by fans to fund the creation of the Robocop statue. This was finished in less than a week thanks to the Omni Consumer Products company donating 25 large to the project. No, that actually happened. Imagine a world where Eminem is replaced by a large bronze statue in commercials showing off Detroit. The only real fees would be licensing for voices! That’s it (for the most part)! Peter Weller could be at the unveiling! People could fly around on jet-packs! Bums left and right!

Oh wait, that last one’s already true.