Tag: dick cheney
Bad news for organ donorship
Registering as an organ donor is supposed to make you feel good about death, like that part of you gets to do some good to make up for all the terrible, horrible things you did in life. It’s kind of like a saving throw into heaven, and in The Guys’ case so long as that person grows up to cure AIDS or usher peace in the Middle East.
And then Dick Cheney announces that he’s in the market for your heart.
Look, Dick. You’re nearly 70. Five heart attacks later and you’re more machine now than man. And you’re screwing somebody out of paradise just because you wanted to torture some Muslims.
So, um, no.
Lord Cheney: Arise
Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.
The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.
The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).
The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.
Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.
And in the end, we’ve got Dick
We already know that Dick Cheney really likes torture. What we didn’t know, until alleged by Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) on July 12, is that he didn’t want to share any of the sweet, sweet waterboarding with Congress.
Feinstein, who chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, said that CIA Director Leon Panetta was ordered by then-Vice President Cheney to not disclose the use of abusive interrogation techniques to the official oversight panel for intelligence-gathering.
So, if you’re looking for anyone to blame for U.S. torture, Cheney wants you to know that it was all him, none for you, get your own imported foreign nationals to erotically manpile.
SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech
Politics is a lot like Armaic literature: with a little bit of effort, you can read whatever message you want from it. It’s times like these that we help cull the bull from the puckey to translate for our often misunderstood policy makers.
Today, we’re reading, former Vice-President and reigning American Boogeyman, Dick Cheney’s speech on Thursday in response to Obama’s about torture, Guantanamo Bay and 9/11.
(C’mon, you’d think he’d leave that out? Not reliving 9/11 is like Bon Jovi not playing “Livin’ on a Prayer!”)
[Skipping the introductions and cutting right to the meat … ] Continue reading SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech