Take it from Snee: As Seen in the Paleolithic

Foolish as it may seem, I don’t believe everything I see in commercials. For instance, when InventHelp says that the guy who invented the Splash Wash, a car wash for kids, by watching children play, I find it hard to believe he wasn’t masturbating at the time. Or that the woman’s whose hair is blown permanently back by the Trojan Vibrating Twister isn’t held there with semen.

But, there’s one idea that completely stretches my brain’s capacity for hogwash (which is another use for the Splash Wash, by the way), and it’s that modern man has just now solved the problems inherent in wearing a blanket.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy aren’t bad ideas, though. To the contrary, I long for the day when I can wear the poncho I was given to keep warm in a Tijuana jail cell to work. No, what’s nearly impossible to fathom is that these products are awarded patents for what humanity already accomplished in the Paleolithic Era.

Granted, it’s not uncommon for society to forget previous innovations, like trepanning, a medical practice dating back to the beginning of human history that pops up every time a doctor wants a license for drilling holes in people’s heads.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy follow the same path, starting way back in the Ice Age … Continue reading Take it from Snee: As Seen in the Paleolithic

Does this mean we owe them one?

Big question to everyone: who here has a fondness for Dick Van Dyke?

This could potentially be very important. You see, Dick Van Dyke was off in the sea, minding his own business, surfboarding it up, when he fell asleep. Now, everyone likes a pleasant afternoon nap … but an afternoon nap out on the water is a little bit different. And when you’ve managed to make your way out of sight of land, that starts to fall into the dangerous area.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Van Dyke was then pushed back to shore by a pack of porpoises. Not the rapists of the sea dolphins, but their ugly cousins, porpoises. So, back to my question: does anyone here actually like Dick Van Dyke? We’re at a war here, and every effort might count. As such, if a favor is called in, we may have to be jerks and utter “yeah, but you didn’t actually have to save him.”