You Missed It: Internal investigation edition

What a difference two months makes.

It really is official now, I’m old. The release of the new Power Rangers movie marks the first time that there has been a reboot of a childhood show that I was too old for the first time around. I haven’t seen a lot of the reboots, but I’m not necessarily opposed to them. There’s no issue in taking things I remember from my childhood and reworking them in a way to make them relevant for the next generation. Except for that live-action Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s literally the same movie, and you are all fools for going to see it. If you were busy taking it to Cracker Barrel for firing Brad’s wife this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
This week, FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continues to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
This week, authorities announced that they found stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years ago. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Spot of T. rex
Paleontologists are arguing that a branch of dinosaurs that includes the Tyrannosaurus rex evolved earlier than previously thought and probably came from what is now Britain. The researchers said their first clue was that all dinosaurs had such bad teeth.

A dinosaur peed in your cup

As we all know, humans defeated the dinosaurs in combat millions of years ago. But now it seems those overgrown lizards will have the last laugh.

It turns out, we’ve been drinking dinosaur pee the whole time and didn’t know it. Dinos were around for millions and millions of years, so it’s very likely that the water molecules in your cup were drunk by a dinosaur long ago.

Fortunately, the Guys only drink liquor.

‘Bet you’ll never look at birds the same way again’

Becoming a scientist isn’t easy. There’s years of school and hard work, but when you finally get there, you get to put fake tails on chickens and make money doing it.

Researchers at the University of Chicago and the University of Chile want to know how the Tyrannosaurus rex walked millions of years ago. So, rather than set up a computer model based on what we know of their skeletal structure, they took some chickens and strapped dinosaur tails on them. Because math is hard.

The chicken is one of the closest living relatives to many species of dinosaur, including T. rex. If we get to humiliate the kin of the once-rulers of the Earth, it’s kind of like we get to rub it in their faces, too.

Dinosaur fans better sit down for this news

Thanks to science's need to document every facet of dinosaur life, it's almost impossible to take giant killer lizards seriously these days.
Thanks to science’s need to document every facet of dinosaur life, it’s almost impossible to take giant killer lizards seriously these days.

Science continues its long march toward ruining dinosaurs. First, they gave T. rexes and velociraptors. And now, scientists believe that at least some species of dinosaurs sat on their nests like birds.

To reach this theory, University of Calgary dinosaur researcher Darla Zelenitsky and Montana State University paleontologist David Varricchio compared Troodon eggs to those of modern animals. The density patterns in the small carnivore’s shells closely match the eggs of the plover, a bird that partially buries its eggs in sand and sits on them to keep the tops warm and bore the hell out of people who came to see dinosaurs fight in front of volcanoes, and not over the same moldy heel of Sunbeam bread.

The scientists still aren’t sure whether dinosaurs only pooped on recently washed cars and statues.

The gizzard bag is right beside the venom sac

Raptors get more fearsome all the time. Jurassic Park painted velociraptors as clever, fleet-footed predators, and they may have hunted from trees. Now researchers suspect that their turkey-sized relative had a venomous bite—and other raptors might have it, too.

Researchers at the University of Kansas Natural History Museum have been studying the Sinornithosaurus, the “Chinese bird lizard,” a diminutive relative of the raptor. Closer investigations of the skull reveal that the Sinornithosaurus had snake-like fangs and pockets in the skull that indicate the former presence of glands. Because of the shape of the teeth and the fact that these gland pockets are connected to the teeth through narrow ducts, paleontologists believe that the glands contained venom. The researchers believe that the bird-like dinosaur had a venomous bite, which it used to subdue its prey.

It’s a significant discovery for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it offers more clues as to the origin of venom in snakes and lizards, which likely stems from a common ancestors these animals shared with Sinornithosaurus. It also opens up the possibility that other raptors also had venomous bites. The researchers plan to look more closely at other raptor skulls, especially its close relative, the glider Microraptor, to see if they possess similar features.

We can’t implore science enough to not attempt to bring these creatures back. Jurassic Park proved that we just can’t manage them at all, and that was a fictional movie; how badly do you think real life would be? We’re in war with animals, for Pete’s sake: do you  really think that we’d be effective against these beasts? And what if the Nazis get ahold of T-rexes? Do you want to have a Nazi Tyrannosaurus Rex on your conscience? DO YOU?!!!?

Standing up has been unexplained thus far?

Science marches forward!

We recently told you that most of your favorite dinosaurs were not actually special at all, but simply more akin to frosted Poptarts versus unfrosted Poptarts.

Well, science has decided that it needs to blow your mind again. A new dinosaur species has been found. NEW! And even more important, it may be of large scientific consequence. Why so? Because it may be … the missing link!

Between quadrupedal dinosaurs and bipedal dinosaurs. Someone sound the anticlimactic alarm.

Just try getting a dentist in the Cretaceous era

We all know that a super asteroid powered along the space ways by the time traveling voice of Steven Tyler killed most of the dinosaurs. But what about Tyrannosaurus rex?

Turns out he probably should’ve flossed a bit more. You know, with the those hilariously tiny arms that they had.

Tee-hee! Hilariously tiny arms! Every time a tyrannosaurus has an itch, it’s like a scene out of a sitcom!

It’s worse than we thought

I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.

No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.

Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!

What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.

It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”

So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.

Today in ancient animals

Scientists love looking at dead animals, the deader and older, the better. Some like it because they are morbid, godless homosexuals seeking to find their beloved Devil. Others like it because they get to learn things, like how animals were before we came along and killed them off.

One such fine example is in North Dakota, where an extremely rare fossil has been found: a mummified dinosaur. The mummy, which is oddly enough not wrapped in toilet paper, nor was it found in a temple, is a nearly complete example of a dinosaur and will give paleontologists (godless and warriors alike) the chance to see how these monstrous creatures really looked, with, you know, flesh on them.

However, this blog is still hesitant. The dinosaur is now as hard as rock or even metal. This cannot go well should the dino wake up.

In other news, have you ever wanted to have your very own mastodon? You can’t, of course. They are all dead thanks to a little genocide on the part of our ancestors. You can, however, own a mastodon skeleton if you go to the right garage sale. A hippie San Fransisco resident is selling a mastodon skeleton she has just lying around in her garage. You know how easy it is to acquire junk.

The best news of all is that you don’t have to live in the area to buy it, you just need to have $115,000 and the ability to place a bid on eBay. Happy hunting!

The threat continues to grow

Animals are out there, we all know that. But despite our best efforts to put the ones we know about into extinction, we seem to keep finding new ones. Zoologists announced they have discovered a new mammal in Tanzania, which this blog thinks is somewhere near Australia.

The mammal is something like a shrew and is unusually large. This is bad news for us. When we discover new species, they are supposed to either be a) tasty or b) smaller than similar types. Larger animals only present larger threats because it gets harder to exterminate them using conventional weapons. To properly deal with this threat, this blog thinks it’s time Tanzania got a good, old-fashioned carpet bombing.

Also, paleontologists announced recently they found the fossils of an ancestor of the crocodile. The dinosaur lived in Brazil, likely because it enjoyed the Carnivale festivals. It had a long snout but lived on land. Luckily, the creature died out long ago and no longer poses a threat to us. Also, it is good to learn as much as you can about your enemy, and that includes its history. Hopefully we will discover some kind of weakness of the crocodile, or at least some really embarrassing dirt.