Tag: discovery channel

Discovery Channel still has it

 

The Discovery Channel switched over from educational programming to reality shows (except for that one week when they air every shark show ever made) years ago. But, they like to test the audience to see if they still have their old credibility every so often by airing their equivalent of Fox’s Alien Autopsy.

Viewers were taken in once again by Discovery’s “what if?” documentary, Mermaids: The Body Found despite it not being about ghost hunting, crab fishing or pumpkin chunkin’. Despite this repeated success, executives are worried about being called the Network Who Cried Mermaid and have greenlit several new test specials, including:

  • How It’s Made: Crack Coccaine, AIDS and Other Government Inventions
  • Lobstermen: They’re Actually Half-Lobster, Half-Man
  • Gullible: It’s Written On Your Ceiling (No, Really. Look!)

Hey, we have an actual battle to tell you about!

You know that show Whale Wars on Discovery? It’s kind of creepy watching species traitors defend whales from the valiant Japanese warriors who are conducting research. Well, next season should be an interesting one.

First off, Bob Barker (yes, that Bob Barker) donated $5 million to the Sea Shepherds, the anti-whaling group the show follows. So they bought and named a boat after him. Then they got a third boat, only this third boat was in fact Batman’s boat. OK, well it was close, it blew circumnavigation records out of the, well, water.

On the first trip out with the Bob Barker and the Ady Gil (?), better known as the Batboat, the whalers ended up ramming the speed boat and slicing it in half. If only they had used the Bat Anti-Whaler Spray.

Warriors of the Week: Cane toads

It’s always fun to watch the opposing side succumb to infighting. When it comes to the War on Animals, there is still plenty of this, not only because of a food chain and all that nonsense, but because they can’t help but kill each other sometimes.

In Australia, cane toads are all over the place, or so Discovery (Channel) would have us believe. This is a bad thing for humans in most cases (like say, if you live in Australia and want to eat things produced on a farm), but aside from making a delightful squishing sound when you run over them, cane toads are helping us in another way: they are killing off crocs.

The poisonous toads, which are native to South America, are being eaten by Australia crocodiles, and the poisons then in turn kill the killers. Really, this solves two problems for us. We have fewer cane toads and fewer crocodiles. This is a win-win situation.

The changing seasons of war

With the seasons changing and the cooling of temperatures news from the front is bound to wear down because our enemies move their priorities from fighting us to gathering enough food to last them through the winter. But our enemy’s holiday gives us the perfect chance to launch our own Tet offensive.

Our target: roadways. According to those peace loving hippies at the Discovery Channel, bees are making their homes along our nation’s roads because there are so many wild flowers and relatively few people treading through the area. There is, of course, the ever-present threat of a windshield moving at 45 mph.

It was clear this summer that bees were after us more than any other division of the animals’ military might. That’s why it’s payback time. Grab a weedwhacker and chop down the wildflowers, open up some bug bombs (be careful not to fog up the roads for traffic) or just shout insults at them as you drive by. We can hit them and hit them hard before they dig in underground for the winter!

Take it from Snee: Discovery jumped the shark

As you’ve probably noticed, I’m a pretty smart guy. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I’m downright intelligent. I eat right, I read the same three books a lot, and I only watch educational programming on television.

So what did I see when I turned on the Discovery Channel this weekend? Sharks. Nothing but sharks. Swimming killing machines as far as the TV Guide channel would scroll.

Even when a shark program wasn’t on, there were shark-themed advertisements, including plugs for their own “Shark Week” episodes of all their regular shows. Every show involves sharks now, even non-shark shows like Dirty Jobs. (Guess what they catch on this week’s Deadliest Catch? Hint: it’s actually deadly this time.)

It was with this marketing stretch that I realized something disturbing: the Discovery Channel has jumped the shark! Continue reading Take it from Snee: Discovery jumped the shark

Immigration turns dangerous in Florida

Let’s face it, Florida is a bad place to live. Between the danger posed by the local wildlife and threats of civil war, it’s just not worth hanging around the state. Georgia doesn’t even like being near it.

But now there’s another reason, as if one was needed, to be very, very afraid while within the Floridian borders: a python invasion. That’s right, Florida is being invaded by pythons, and not just any pythons, GIANT pythons. The worst part is that they may invade other southern states in a reverse of General Sherman’s March to the Sea.

The apologist media likes to believe that the python threat is the result of pets getting out or being released into the wild, then repopulating in an area not their native land. But we here know they are just the latest wave of illegal immigrants coming from South America.

Speak nothing but evil

A new study has found that monkeys communicate in a much more intelligent way than we ever thought before. In fact, the study compares the communication to whales and dolphins.

What could be most frightening is that any single sound doesn’t mean a thing. It’s more like a combination of sounds that mean specific messages. Think of it as Morse code. Folks, this is terrible news. One of our greatest advantages is that we can talk to each other and the animals can’t really. Now we have to be more worried about the enemy giving away our position.

Who knows how much they have already learned about us.