A few weeks ago, Disney released a shot-for-shot remake of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. The live-action version of the same movie you’ve already seen featured just enough extra footage to get people to turn out in droves. But Disney has gone overboard with its newest remake.
Police in Fresno, California are asking if anyone in the area is missing a mermaid. A woman calling herself “Joanna” was found nearly naked and walking down the middle of a street at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. She claimed to be a mermaid, said she had been in the water, but wasn’t really able to answer any other questions. Authorities noted that she has webbed toes. Method acting at its finest.
It’s been a while since we watched 1989’s The Little Mermaid, but we remember the plot clearly: a mermaid princess makes a deal with a morbidly obese octopus to become human, and she winds up in a city more than a hundred miles from the ocean. When she is discovered, she’s treated for clear signs of mental illness. And they all lived happily ever after.
Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
Hi folks. It’s been a couple weeks. Anything big happen? Oh right. Hey, so just remember that people aren’t all one thing. Trump voters aren’t all racists. Clinton voters aren’t all coming for your guns. There are certainly those elements in both groups, but people are wonderfully diverse and complex. We’re programmed to mentally lump groups together, and it’s easy to do that. We all have different experiences, priorities and points of view. We had a bad roll of the dice for leadership choices this time around. We’ll do better next time. Until then, let’s talk to each other and remind ourselves that we’re all living, breathing humans–except for the racists. If you were busy doing the mannequin challenge this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, it was revealed that a man in Yellowstone National Park ignored all the warning signs and went up to a geyser looking to take a relaxing dip. He then fell into the scalding hot, acidic water and ended up dying. If that’s not 2016 in a nutshell, nothing is.
Heh, we said ‘titular’
Disney’s “Moana” will be coming to theaters soon enough, but when it opens in Italy, it will have a different name. The movie is named after its lead. The titular character is a Polynesian princess that goes on some sort of an adventure. But in Italy the movie will be called “Oceania” because the name Moana is closely associated there with an adult film star Moana Pozzi. This is name change is expected to save millions of Italian men from going to the wrong movie.
Fashion person thinks she’s important
Designer Sophie Theallet has pledged to not dress future First Lady Melania Trump, and is encouraging other designers to do the same, because ohgodwhocaresit’sjustclothes.
Times Square is overrun with people in unlicensed costumes hassling you for money in exchange for a photo. You don’t know who is behind the mask. Which is why superheroes can quickly become villains.
According to New York police, Iron Man, the Hulk and Princess Anna from Frozen were arrested for stealing from tourists. A tourist and his daughter said the two Avengers approached them, encouraging them to take a picture with them, then charging them money. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes failed to give the tourists their change back, then Princess Anna took a $10 bill from the little girl, calling it a tip.
All three Disney properties were charged with petty larceny.
Every corner of the U.S. is feeling the effects of the weak economy, and the Happiest Place on Earth is no exception. Though Disney as a company continues to do well, Disneyland and Walt Disney World are feeling the effects. People don’t have as much money to throw around for a vacation right now.
And since theme parks are designed to separate one from one’s money, it seems to make sense that fewer people are going to these, especially when airfare and hotel expenses are factored in. But it should be obvious that it’s not just the economy, but the obvious kowtowing to special-interest groups that makes the world-famous resorts less palatable. The average family has had enough of Disney’s favoritism for a certain group.
The special-interest group I am referring to, of course, is the handicapped. Continue reading →
After years of being ignored or insulted, theater geeks are having their day in the sun. Broadway musicals have been on the upswing for many years now, highlighted by recent successes like The Book of Mormon by the creators of South Park. As with the movie industry, it has seemed that the rising popularity isn’t so much because of new creative successes like Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s, they recycle and reformat existing work.
The first logical trend was to make musicals from music people knew. We got plays like Mama Mia! and Movin’ Out. We even got something more recent in American Idiot, based on Green Day’s album of the same name. But movies are the big thing now. There’s work to bring Big Fish to theaters, Army of Darkness got the musical treatment, we’ve seen Spamalot, Ghost and Billy Elliot.
If you thought, “Hey, why don’t they make a musical based on Rocky?” you’re a terrible person, but you’re thinking like a Broadway producer. Continue reading →
It seems like the whole nation is now at war against junk food. Not us, of course. Sedentary people are sedentary readers.
First, New York mayor and pint-sized terror, Michael Bloomberg, proposed a ban on all sugary drinks served in 16-ounce or larger cups in the city’s restaurants. Now, Walt Disney Co plans to cut back on the number of junk food advertisements aired during children’s programming, including their Disney channels, ABC, ABC Family and ESPN Pop Warner. (Ask your cable provider.)
Disney must have realized that children built like John Candy are less likely to live long enough to buy Oliver & Company when it’s finally re-released from “the vault” in 10 years.
Our resident movie reviewer, Chugs, is out this week, presumably getting bombarded with gamma radiation to prepare for the upcoming release of Marvel’s The Avengers in May. In the meantime, I’m filling in with a review of John Carter from my own site. You can read this review and others at Rick-Snee.com.
I had to take a couple of extra days to decide what I thought of Disney’s John Carter. On the one hand, I’m such a big fan of the books that scrounging up my nerd love for a couple of No-Prizes shouldn’t be tough. On the other, there’s the culprit that doomed this movie right there in the title: Disney’s.
Unlike the possessive title of “Tyler Perry’s,” Disney-branding isn’t necessarily a death sentence. But, how does anybody in the mouse-shaped office think that they could give “Conan on Mars” its best shake in a PG-13 environment?
The answer they settled upon in this office I’ve just invented was to take elements from Edgar Rice Burrough’s novels, put them on tiles, and mix ’em up Scrabble-style until they fit all the double word score boxes. Or, to put it more simply: as formulaically as possible to hit all the summer family blockbuster buttons.
If you conspiracy theorists out there are looking for proof that Disney has stumbled onto a transdimensional portal to an evil, parallel universe and plans to secretly exploit this at their theme parks, then we suppose this works: Disney park workers can now grow beards and goatees.
Anyone that’s been to Disneyworld has seen the “It’s a Small World” ride, where a boat on a track takes the riders around while creepy animatronic dolls dressed as children from around the world incessantly sing the same song alllllllllll throughout the entire ride. It’s fun enough when you’re a kid, boring as an adult and possibly nightmare inducing no matter what age you are, but nevertheless, they’re just dolls, right?