A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.

Pennies from heaven? More like pennies from a bowl

Have you ever wanted to pay a bill in … colorful ways? Not so much over the phone or through the mail, but in person. Like, perhaps through single dollar bills, or even the 2 dollar bills, because that’ll show them. And if the place in question accepts cash as a form of payment, well, it’s not as if it’s against the law, right?

Well, maybe. Possibly? Jason West of Vernal, Utah, has been cited by the local police for disorderly conduct, after paying a 25 dollar bill in pennies. That comes out to 25 hundred of the little doodads used to pay a bill. That’s a lot of change to just have lying around the house. I personally don’t understand what apparently upset the employees at the clinic when the coins were doled out to them. Are they opposed to money?

Real life has consequences? ZOMG!!!11

We’ll go ahead and get the pun out of the way: Oh WoW!

A World of Warcraft essentially slipped the human race the finger by getting involved in a drunken dispute with his mother, grabbing her hair, choking her, and headbutting a wall. Oh, and he also ended up getting shot in the head by his grandfather. All in one night. Impressive.

27-year-old James Swan, who lives with his mother, had been playing WoW and getting drunk before the fight began. That might mess up his ability to effectively use some of the macros, but hey, who are we to judge? Swan’s mother demanded that the man-child tone down the noise while he played his game at 10pm, a demand that Swan took umbrage with. So very much umbrage. NERD RAGE! Wacky hi-jinx ensued as the MMO player eventually grabbed his mother by the hair and flung her onto a bed. We can only hope there’s nothing Freudian about that action. He also did the same to his little brother, who had arrived to find out what the noise was about.

The mother ran to call the police, but Swan ripped the phone from the wall and proceeded to repeatedly headbutt the the spot where the phone once was, which is a good way to show the phone that it needs to learn its role in life and get back into the kitchen and make me a sammich.

Ahem.

He then began to choke his mother into near-unconsciousness, threatening to kill her, before the grandfather became involved. Swan threatened to kill him too, so the grandfather got his gun. The two men then wrestled over the gun, which went off and shot James Swan in the head. The bullet bounced off his skull and went through a window. Luckily for Swan, he was only wounded, and was arrested after refusing treatment at a hospital.

Words cannot begin to accurately articulate the glee and childish squealing that this story has given me.