Russians faced a conundrum that only President Dmitry Medvedev could resolve. Russian law stated that anything with less than 10% alcohol was merely foodstuff, but even then only barely if you didn’t wrestle it yourself.
But then they started importing beer. They served it all hours of the day. They sold it to minors. They marketed as a healthy alternative to vodka and other spirits, just like we’ve been telling you for years. (Except liquor is good for, like, body builders and s@%t.)
So, Medvedev signed a law that officially classifies beer as alcohol with all the rules and taxes that implies.
Oh my god. It was the perfect world. All this time, it was … You finally really did it.
Russian (non-Vladimir-Putin) President Dmitry Medvedev unveiled a monument to the drinkingest Russian leader since Khrushchev drank Tito under the U.N. table: Boris Yeltsin.
It’s about time, too, because we’ve been pouring out entire bottles of vodka since we lost our democracy-installing homey in 2007.
Yeltsin is survived by his wife, Naina; daughters Yelena Okulova and Tatyana Yumasheva and several thousand red-nosed newspaper caricatures.
After eight months of wheeling and dealing, U.S. and Russian negotiators have reached an accord on nuclear disarmament. (No, it’s not total disarmament, which is why they met at all.)
The deal must be signed by President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev before arsenals are redistributed to friendly regimes slashed, which we imagine will go a little something like this:
OBAMA: OK, now it’s just time to sign …
MEDVEDEV: You sign first.
OBAMA: … After you.
MEDVEDEV: No, no. I insist.
OBAMA: Alright, we’ll sign it together on the count of three. One … Two …
MEDVEDEV: Wait! Do we sign on three or after, like “one, two, three, sign?”
OBAMA: Well, I said “on the count of three,” so on three. Acceptable?
OBAMA: OK, on three. One … Two … THREE!
OBAMA and MEDVEDEV: YOU DIDN’T SIGN! HAHAHAHAhaha-ha ah-ha.
OBAMA: OK, on three …
President Barack Obama and Russian puppet President Dmitry Medvedev reached an agreement, committing to reduce their nuclear arsenals, on only their first day of the Moscow summit.
They quickly agreed to reduce from 2200 warheads to only 1500 or so. (That scraped 500 nukes spares a couple of American cities that are too close to Canada and the populated regions of Siberia.)
Of course, the moment of agreement grew tense when neither president would agree over who would miss who more until day two of the summit. The situation was miraculously resolved when Secretary of State Clinton suggested they each go back to their rooms and write letters to prove it.