Injecting yourself with poo a bad idea, doctors warn

Folks, here’s a reminder for you: don’t inject yourself with poo, be it your own or someone else’s. We know you, dear reader, already know that, but you may want to tell your dumb friends.

Doctors are concerned about a new trend of people injecting themselves with poo. People on YouTube are blending up poo (hopefully then throwing out their blender) and giving themselves enemas. There are even web sites set up to connect donors with poo recipients.

Doctors do fecal transplants for treatment of certain illnesses, so why can’t you do it at home? Aside from being super gross, there’s no screening of the poo, so there’s a decent chance that you’re injecting yourself with microbes that can lead to serious deadly health problems.

So once again, ask your doctor if blending poo and then putting it in your own butt is right for you. Perhaps our own Dr. Snee can help.

Ask Dr. Snee: Spring is all up in us

Hello, Internet patients.

It’s been a while since I’ve answered your letters, but that’s because I’ve been furiously working out for bikini season. As we say in the medical community, you get more fly with honey smeared on washboard abs than on body hair and love handles.

But, even though it’s also vasectomy season, I’m taking a timeout from my brackets to answer your letters … Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Spring is all up in us

What’s really up, doc?

Did you know that your doctor could be lying to you? It’s likelier than you think. In a survey of doctors in the medical journal Health Affairs:

  • 55 percent admitted to sugarcoating a patient’s prognosis.
  • 10 percent to saying something that just wasn’t true. (Probably the doctors who claim to know someone who lost a patient to a marijuana overdose.)
  • About 33 percent didn’t feel the need to admit mistakes to patients.
  • 40 percent would prefer to keep their financial ties to drug and device companies on the down-low.

It just goes to show: never trust anyone who attends eight years of college and doesn’t die.

More American smokers lie to CDC

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released the results of their latest headcount of American cigarette smokers and found that more of them have learned to just lie to their doctors about the amount they smoke.

The amount of proud idiots who still tell their physicians that they smoke more than 30 cigarettes a day are down to a mere 8.3 percent. Meanwhile, casual smokers have retreated into the closet with the “one-a-dayers” — only 78.2 percent foolishly admit to smoking every day, and of those that do, over 21 percent were able to at least claim they smoke less than 10 cigarettes a day.

Medical professionals are encouraged by these latest numbers, but are concerned that the rate of smokers learning to lie is slowing. Dr. Tim McAfee, director of the CDC Office on Smoking and Health, believes that intensified efforts to make adults feel guilty about their health decisions could raise this five-year period’s rate of closeted smoking.

“We know what works: higher tobacco prices, hard-hitting media campaigns, graphic health warnings on cigarette packs, and 100 percent smoke-free policies, with easily accessible help for those who want to quit,” said Dr. McAfee.

Really real vampire doctors?

There are bad stories, and then there are bad stories that refute their very first sentence within paragraphs.

For example: this article about “self-identified vampires” who have formed their own subculture. The opening line states that these vampires are “doctors … by day.”

However, these particular vampires differ from the vampires at your local Hot Topic because they believe that they suffer from “an internal lack of energy that makes them seek energy from external sources such as the high that comes from the crowd at a rock concert or from the blood of a willing donor.”

So, the author, Laura Zuckerman, is claiming that there are doctorsmedical professionals–who consensually drink the blood of others because they think it provides energy they lack?

Perhaps these doctors are “self-identified” as well.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

What do you get for the man who already has HPV?

New relationships are exciting because they’re full of “firsts”:

  • The first date
  • The first kiss
  • The first awkward transition into a 69 position
  • The first proposal of a threesome, followed immediately by
  • The first fight

But, there’s another first that’s livening up Canadian relationships (I know, Canada again?): the first transmission of the human papillomavirus or HPV.

According to a couple of studies published in in the January issues of the journal Epidemiology and the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Montreal researchers found that 56 percent of their 263 female enrollees contracted HPV from their new boyfriends. 44 percent got the ones with extra sauce that can cause cancer.

The scary part is that 40 percent of those who used condoms still tested positive for HPV.

Of course, groin doctors asking patients if they used condoms is kinda like dentists asking if you floss. If they find something, you don’t want to give them “I told you so” ammo.

So, if you’re still wondering what to get your significant other for Valentine’s–just 30 shopping days left!–might we suggest looking down on yourself?

The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

With the health care bill now being debated in the U.S. Senate (take a walk with me, it will be entertaining, I promise) and winter now upon us, there is a lot of talk about how to keep healthy despite colds, H1N1 and children that want us out of the way so that they can eat all the candy they want.

Right now I have a cold, but that is fairly unusual for me. You see, I have what is called a strong immune system (which female can detect through their sense of smell, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one). Right now I have The Thing That’s Going Around. You know, the nose, the throat, the cough. It sucks.

So I’m here this week to give you a few pointers on how to stay healthy, and should you fail at this, get better soon. You’re welcome, America. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

Better dosed than dead

You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.

But then, something changed.

According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.

You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.