Dogs seek reassurance they’re still men(‘s best friend)

While science figures out what's going on with dogs' low quality sperm, get ready to see more of them hitting the gym.
While science figures out what’s going on with dogs’ low quality sperm, get ready to see more of them hitting the gym.

You might not notice it from the marks left by dogs that hump your leg, but their sperm count appears a little low.

According to researchers from the University of Nottingham, the percentage of viable, motile sperm in five breeds has fallen 43.1 percent in only 26 years. The only thing that has increased in their baby batter is the amount of chemicals linked to altering sperm quality.

Researchers are now investigating what introduced these chemicals into the dogs and whether the same sources could also be causing low quality human sperm development. (Well, not us specifically. The Guys regularly submit samples to measure Guyness and root out comedy performance-enhancing drugs.)

But, until we know what’s happening for sure, you should probably reassure your dog that he is, in fact, a good, masculine boy.

There are people out there who don’t want you to see monkeys riding dogs

Illinois is not a normal place.

Every year at the Lake County Fair, people flock to the “Banana Derby.” A race in which capuchin monkeys dressed as jockeys ride dogs. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is that there are people out there who want to end the derby for some reason. Animal rights activists are circulating an online petition calling for the cancellation of the race. For once, a county fair features something other than rickety rides, creepy carnies and fried everything. The fair has something that people want to see, and some jerks want to ruin the fun.

We are in control of the Earth, and that includes animals. To make sure these beasts know their place, we should be humiliating them for our entertainment. Ride on, monkey jockeys.

Don’t let your dog drive

There’s a good chance that your dog is trying to get you arrested, if two men in Oklahoma are to be believed.

They told a police officer that though their minivan may be stuck in a ditch, it was not their fault. The two men, who were drunk, according to police, said that they had been driving down the road when they got tired, so they pulled over to rest. That’s when their dog hopped into the driver’s seat and drove the van off the side of the road.

The greatest injustice is that the men were arrested and face charges, while the dog won’t have to answer for his crime.

Your dog is a big fat stupid baby

Who's a mama's boy? Whosa sissy mama's boy? You are.
Who’s a mama’s boy? Whosa sissy mama’s boy? You are.

New scientific research confirms what The Guys have always known about our favorite turncoats in the War on Animals: dogs are stupid, codependent children.

Researchers observed dogs with and without their human counterparts. The dogs’ behavior indicates that they treat their humans the same way babies treat their parents. In almost every test case, the dogs relied on their humans for motivation when working for food (known in the dog world as “turning tricks”). This is a part of attachment theory called the “secure base effect,” where you — as the by-all-appearances “responsible” adult — serve as the launching off and return point for your child’s new interactions with the world.

So, if you’re using your dog as a surrogate child, then good news: the feeling’s mutual. Cat owners exist only as food, though.

Every dog has his day … in the U.S. Supreme Court

When you face a foe as great in numbers as animals, humans want to believe that we aren’t alone in this fight. We’ve long put dogs on a pedestal, claiming them as man’s best friend. But, let’s not forget that only 10,000 years ago, they were wolves.

We’ve depended on dogs in police work, especially for enforcing our nation’s drug laws, which have now incarcerated a larger portion of our population than that of any other country, even the freedom-hating ones like North Korea and China. Could this have been dogs’ plan from the beginning, to arrest as many fighting Americans as possible so we would be powerless to stop their inevitable attack?

The U.S. Supreme Court is about to decide whether police dogs are planting evidence. Or, at least whether using their sense of smell alone is strong enough evidence for a search. Either way, it looks like some species is about to get their face rubbed in the Constitution of the United States.

Man’s best friend = man’s worst enemy

There’s really no way to sugarcoat this story: a Utah man was hunting over the weekend with his friend. He left his shotgun in his boat, along with his pet dog.

The dog shot his ass.

How is this not an automatic declaration of war? It was only through his human ingenuity to be wearing waders at the time that saved him from worse injuries. Take that, dogs of war.

Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

‘E’ is for enemy

Some people think this blog is alarmist. We get that. Some people think we make things that are really nothing sound like a big deal. So what? There will always be those who refuse to see the world as it is. But this you just can’t ignore.

A dog can f#%$ing read.

Not surprisingly, that dog lives in Florida. We don’t need to tell you that a dog that knows how to read is a HUGE threat to all of humanity. What happens if he teaches the other dogs, and they teach the other animals? Our code has been broken. (OK, well just our English code, but still …)

So, who’s up for a hunting trip in the Everglades?

Warrior of the Week: Greg LeNoir

It’s not easy being lonely. I mean, life can be pretty weird if you’re single. It’s probably even worse for those that are married. One might think initially that with all the time that you and your significant other spend together, that you wouldn’t be lonely in the slightest. Au contraire, brown bear. Perhaps that’s how it is in the beginning, but once the years start to mount up, being lonely is all that one can do to not kill each other. At least, that’s what I hear.

So, it’s understandable that when the life of whatever may be closest to Greg LeNoir is threatened, he takes action. If what is closest to him is his prized toy rat terrier, then it’s kind of weird, but still understandable. If the action that must be taken requires him to kick logic to the curb, stick to his crazy guns and punch a shark in the face to save the dog, then it’s not understandable. No, it’s seven shades of bad-ass.

That’s right-Greg LeNoir of Florida, a mile mannered carpenter, jumped into the water to save his toy dog. Using his hardened and callused hands of power, he punched the shark over and over until it gave him back what was his. There have been only two people in history beforehand to have taken it to sharks in such a manner-Chuck Norris and Batman.

If LeNoir was fighting a ghost shark, then he clearly wouldn’t have been afraid of no gho-wait. Just hold on a minute. What do you mean that “the dog was real”? Wait, so he risked his life to save an animal from another animal? But it looks so not alive. I mean, that dog looks like it’s stuffed five ways to Sunday.

Aw man, I just don’t know what to think anymore.