The eclipse is going to mess with animals

Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.

The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!

Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.

Bad dog edits scientific journals

You shouldn’t trust science — not because it doesn’t line up with your religion, politics or financial interests — but because the entire field has been corrupted by animals.

Don’t believe us? One Australian dog sits on the editorial board of seven different medical journals. To make matters worse, he’s a pit bull, a breed that takes its name from a Florida rapper who has been involved with some of the worst music in modern history. Ollie the dog goes by Dr. Olivia Doll in her written work.

The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.

It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.

Dogs: Mons best friend

Wait — reggae and soft rock? Maybe Scottish dogs are just really into The Police.

Maybe this isn’t news to you (The Guys don’t have dogs), but apparently dogs like music? And Scottish researchers have narrowed down their preference to either reggae or soft rock. So, that explains why your dog sleeps all day, loves snacks and doesn’t seem like its brain is firing on all cylinders: they. are. high.

But, it’s important to note that reggae and soft rock weren’t the first choices of all individual dogs tested. According to one of the researchers, professor Neil Evans said, “the response to different genres was mixed, highlighting the possibility that like humans, our canine friends have their own individual music preferences.”

We’re guessing that dogs are just into slight variations on what they listened to back in obedience school.

[Hat tip to Beth K.]

Adult dogs tired of your sh*t

Establishing a dialogue with your adult dog could lead to conversations about how to safely use the Internet.

Everyone loves puppies. But, adult dogs? That takes a special kind of love, one that can overlook them not being a wiggly, uncoordinated ball of fresh-smelling floof anymore. Well, you may put up with your adult dog, but, brother, the feeling is mutual.

A recent study revealed that, while humans baby-talk both puppies and dogs, only puppies eat that sh*t up. Adult dogs had no interest in condescended to, especially by a recording of someone’s rando furless-mom.

So, in the interest of keeping your relationship with your canine healthy, we recommend talking to them as a peer. Try brushing up on tree smells and the hottest legs. And, if all else fails, ask your dog about their day, not just “who’s a good boy?” You might be surprised what you could learn about your good man or woman.

USC hires dog as professor

Our foes are infiltrating our higher learning institutions. Colleges have always been seen as harboring radicals that want to bring down society as we know it, and it seems the animals have finally caught on.

The traitors at the University of Southern California have hired a dog as a professor. Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is the first dog in the U.S. to be hired full-time, which makes us wonder how many part-timers or substitutes there are out there. The university claims the dog will help calm down students who need it, but we all know Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is going to start filling students’ heads with pro-animal nonsense.

One would think the Trojans would be better able to spot a Trojan horse these days.

Dogs wage war on Wal-Mart

You’re never truly safe from a dog attack. There could be a pack of them just around the corner from you, waiting to pounce at any time. What’s worse is that now they know how to drive.

In West Virginia, a woman was nearly run over by at car in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The slow-moving car narrowly missed the woman, but succeeded in striking the store itself. The car had been driven by a pair of dogs, one riding shotgun. Authorities say an elderly woman left her car running so that her dogs would stay cool, but the beasts figured out how to shift the car out of park. They even figured out how to roll down the window.

We have no doubt that this attack will inspire copy cats–err, dogs to do the same thing. Beware of dogs.

Man’s best friend, but not yours specifically

Before becoming our dogs, wolves formed packs to fool each other into second breakfasts.
Before becoming our dogs, wolves formed packs to fool each other into second breakfasts.

Don’t let dogs fool you. They may act all hungry when you first wake up; but, if you’re the second one up, then somebody already fed them. It’s the oldest trick in dogs’ book (were they literate). We know, because they’ve pulled it on us from the very beginning of our relationship.

Dogs were domesticated not once, but twice. We’re not sure who did it first one morning 12,000 years ago, but dogs somehow managed to get domesticated both by Asians and Europeans at roughly the same time.

Sure, it appears that these were two different breeds of wolves on two different continents, but who hasn’t put on a mustache and traveled across the International Date Line on Free Donut Day? (It was Friday. You and your ne’er-do-well doppelgänger already missed it.) In this case, it was for steak, and dogs got teriyaki and bourguignon in the same day.

Heck, we’re not even mad. That’s amazing.

It’s like we don’t even know our best friends anymore

Oh, sure. They'll hug us when they want it, but never when we're OK with it?
Oh, sure. They’ll hug us when they want it, but never when we’re in the mood?

We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.

We’re not sure when it went south, but dogs are definitely not helping us find the really good drugs like they used to. The sniffer drugs are only finding smuggled meat and cheeses at Manchester Airport in the United Kingdom. Preventing the illegal import of food part of their job, too, but you just know they’re skimming a little off the top for themselves while letting perfectly good heroin pass through.

But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.

You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.


Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition