Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

Animals take a back seat in Illinois

Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.

A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.

We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.

That doggo ate-cho llama baby

People, pay attention to the link. If there’s another story headline that should shock you into utter panic and worry, then I don’t know what it could be.

HUNGRY. DOGS. ARE. ON. THE. LOOSE.

Watch out Washingtonians (the state citizens, not the masochists of Barry)! It always starts out with a gigantic llama (when you’re short, all animals look gigantic, even the microscopic ones), then a massive killing spree that knows no boundaries, but eventually it turns horrifying.

To help emphasize the danger of the situation, a local constabulary spoke to the media.

Undersheriff Lavonne Webb told the AP the pack is ” killing for the sake of killing.”

There are some that might be a bit skeptical about such a claim. They fall in one of two categories:

1. Those that will be killed sooner rather than later.
2. Species traitors, through and through.

Brown-nosers

In our ongoing War on Animals, one species stands out as an ally: dogs. Dogs are willing to do anything to appear on our side, from hunting other animals to helping our blind people win at Whack-A-Mole and even sniffing out the bombs that our cats placed in our luggage when they packed for our flights.

But, like any good illusion, it’s all believable until they take it too far. Sniffing our butts for colon cancer is that line, and you’ve dragged your butts across it, you canine colonoscopers, you.

Doug Mirabelli provided moral support

The Boston Red Sox of Massachusetts have been pretty much the only baseball team that has supported us in the War on Animals (unlike those chicken-loving Padres). Once again the Sox have stood together in the fight.

Pitcher Tim Wakefield’s wife was recently bitten by a dog near their home in Hingham, Massaschusetts. They could have gone the “oh well, these things happen” route, but the Wakefields chose to fight back. They threw a knuckleball when they decided to go to the town’s selectboard (that’s Massachusettsian for “city council”) and had leaders sentence the dog to death.

In traditional fashion, the dog will be revealed as a witch, humiliated in front of the townspeople, and hanged at the Hingham gallows.

(via Deadspin)

Tribute missing something …

What? What were you expecting?The USA Today wrote a very nice tribute to the dogs and cats that help cancer patients recover. The article claims that pets’ very companionship is a medical boon, though they didn’t seem to prevent the cancer at all. (Coincidence?)

Dogs were also credited with learning to diagnose cancer, but how difficult is that to figure out? It’s a person in a hospital that showed up because of a lump. Wow.

You know what real meaningful contribution that dogs and cats make to the War on Cancer that the article didn’t even bother to mention? Research.

Way to drop the ball and not bring it back when we asked, mainstream media.

Man’s best traitor

Whatever you do, don’t read this out loud. There are animals all around you. Even if you don’t have a pet, there is probably a fly or a dust mite within earshot. Why should you care? It looks like animals are getting smarter.

According to a new report, dogs can understand your gestures as well as a toddler can. This explains why they both drool a lot and are content eating food you would never touch. The bad news is that they can read our body language, the good news is that you can still swear around them without them even knowing what the hell you’re talking about.

Remember: the enemy is watching.

God and dogs don’t mix

You know who’s been quiet in the War on Animals? God. That’s who. Sure, he created the animals and gave us domain over them, but what does he think now that they are trying to overrun us?

We’re still waiting for the Big Guy to open up the heavens and root us on, but until then, we are convinced he’s on our side. Unfortunately, the species traitors think he’s on their side, too. One church in Austin, Texas (figures) is even inviting dogs, man’s alleged best friend, to worship with their owners.

We all know that keep a pet is perfectly acceptable. They are servants and let us learn about our enemy. But bringing them to church is wrong. Animals have no soul, have no concept of a higher being, and cannot get into heaven, no matter what the movies might say. Dogs attending our services just gives the false notion that we can work this war out.

It’s not that simple.

The World War II on animals

This one’s a bit odd and very short on the facts, we’ll get to those in just a minute, though.

This was clearly a case of not being man’s best friend, more like man’s best frienemy. A dog was being walked through a park when it found a rusty object and brought it back to its owner yesterday.

Turns out, it was a live hand grenade–American–from World War II. One bad move on the dog’s part and this could have been a suicide bombing.

So, apparently old bombs and such from the war are still found all over the country. Don’t they ever comb through public areas to find these things? How many grenades were our boys dropping over there? Finally, if you’re in Germany, and a dog comes at you, can you grab an old grenade, pull the pin and throw it for the dog to go fetch?

Power squeaky toys optional

Honda has shown their true colors, and they are not on our side. The car maker unveiled recently that they will sell a version of the Element to be more geared towards dogs. No, they aren’t able to drive–yet, they will simply have a much smoother ride.

Dogs will have a trunk area with a cushioned bed, a water bowl and even a ramp to get into the car. The thing is, they are pets, they are not humans, so they should not be treated as such. They should be made an example of, not catered to. They might be man’s best friend, but maybe that’s just because we keep our enemies closer.

In any case, if you leave the windows rolled up on a hot day, there is still no safety mechanism, so there’s that.