Tag: dogs

Power squeaky toys optional

Honda has shown their true colors, and they are not on our side. The car maker unveiled recently that they will sell a version of the Element to be more geared towards dogs. No, they aren’t able to drive–yet, they will simply have a much smoother ride.

Dogs will have a trunk area with a cushioned bed, a water bowl and even a ramp to get into the car. The thing is, they are pets, they are not humans, so they should not be treated as such. They should be made an example of, not catered to. They might be man’s best friend, but maybe that’s just because we keep our enemies closer.

In any case, if you leave the windows rolled up on a hot day, there is still no safety mechanism, so there’s that.

PETA doesn’t care about Cannibal Corpse

Terrorist group PETA has unleashed their latest demand, this time on legendary British pop duo, The Pet Shop Boys.

PETA has threatened the Pet Shop Boys with … well, the article doesn’t say, so it must be so terrible that it cannot be mentioned. Maybe it’s a national security issue? Anyway, something bad will happen if they do not change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys.

A political gesture, PETA believes that the reference to pet shops in their names provides a friendly face to the pet shop industry, which they claim is responsible for “cramped, filthy” cages used by breeders to keep their livestock in.

(We eat dogs, cats and chinchillas, right?)

Fortunately for us, the animal warriors, the Pet Shop Boys have refused their demands and have even posted their threats on their Web site for all to read. Oh, Pet Shop Boys, be careful. These are dangerous times!

You have allergies? Screw you!

USA Today has some startling news about the American workplace: more and more offices are becoming pet-friendly. Yes, some companies are allowing their employees to bring in their dogs to work. No wonder we’re in a recession, our workforce is too busy cleaning up poop to get anything done.

The clear danger here is that we’re letting our indentured animal servants into the office to see how we operate. You know that they will find a way to get information back to the animal high command about our operations, just like how one Confederate President Jefferson Davis’ slaves ran away and became a Union informant during the Civil War.

Great, now not only do we have to fear our coworkers coming in and shooting up the place, now we have to worry about their pets, too.

Like killing dogs? Head to Baghdad

If there’s one thing we all love, it’s war reporting. Whether it’s Edward R. Murrow hanging a microphone out his window during the bombing of London or Geraldo Rivera giving away troop positions by drawing in the sand, we just can’t get enough. We’ve got a piece of fine news reporting from CNN, oddly enough, it seems we’re winning the War on Animals in Iraq. Let’s listen in.

“The shotgun blast rips into the stray dog’s midsection, sending it tumbling over and over. Agonizing yelps echo through the streets as it tries to reach and bite at the gaping wound. Minutes later, the dog is dead.

“A few miles away, a puppy eats a piece of poisoned meat. Its body starts to twitch and spasm as the toxins kick in. It dies within 15 minutes.”

Boy howdy does that sound good! To our brave men and women in the service: tell us your story about how you’re helping us win the War on Animals. We’d be honored to feature it right here on SG. Thank you for your sacrifice.

Puppy Gitmo is shut down

A woman faces arrest in Mount Vernon, Washington for failure to show up in court for the cruel abuse of four dogs. The other 439 policed seized from her property are apparently OK.

This story answers several questions:

  • The state of Washington is intentionally trying to confuse people by naming its landmarks after ones in the DC area.
  • Crazy dog-ladies do have favorites.

But then it raises others:

  • How bad were those dogs that they were able to single themselves out from 439 of their peers?
  • Is it cruelty if those dogs had information about the other 439’s terrierist connections?

History will judge this woman.

However, it is legal in Florida

If this blog has said it once, it has said it a million times: no matter how much your dog may beg and beg, DO NOT let him drive the car. This lesson had to be learned the hard way in Long Island, New York.

A man left his car running (Seriously? Who does that anymore, least of all in New York?) while he went in somewhere (apologies, the story sucks), meanwhile Bentley the dog took the opportunity to shift the car into drive and hit a coffee house.

This is where you would normally find a rant about animals, but in this case, we find we cannot come down hard on the owner or the alleged dog, because the car did hit a coffee shop, which was probably laden with hippies and pseudo-intellectuals who go there to feed their coffee addiction and have anyone look at how important they and their MacBooks are. We’re willing to call this one a wash.

Lest we forget, look back on this fabled video allegory from the early 1990s.

Their teamwork will be the end of us

A fire set in a house? Bad.

A fire set in a house to rid the world of cats? Great.

A dog going in to save a litter of kittens? Good. He might do our job for us.

The dog saving the kittens and still being alive, thus adding more soldiers to their side? Not so good.

Attack of the cloned pitbulls (and dinosaur relatives)

We all remember back in 1997, when the Scottish cloned Dolly, The Sheep That Will Send Us All Into A Moral Abyss. But since then, aside from a few cloned things here and there, we have been fairly safe in terms of force multipliers. No more.

An American woman had DNA from her pitbull dog Booger used to make a litter of clones in South Korea. Great, just what the world needs, more pitbulls. Only these pitbulls are super pitbulls because they are all identical and probably share the same thoughts through a psychic connection.

This is horrible news. As Bob Barker likes to remind us any time we sit down with him, there are way too many pets in the world as it is. They breed like vermin because they basically are, so who are we to decide which ones get to be copied and which ones eat out of the dumpster? We need to solve this problem by eliminating them all before they grow out of hand.

Speaking of multiplying, a rare lizard in New Zealand is still at it after 110 years. He is going to become a father. The geezer lizard did not like females for years until scientist found a tumor near his genitals and removed it. Now it seems he is back in action as an eligible bachelor. This species is rare and we need to keep it that way. Who wants an omlette?

Paging Dr. Venkman

In the War on Animals, we’re not above celebrating when animal factions fight against each other. Heck, we wish they would all just wipe themselves out and save us the effort.

However, we don’t need certain wars getting out of hand.

Take, for instance, the centuries-long Dog-Cat War: we’ve supplied the dogs in their effort because they’re easier to boss around. When they finally defeat cats, we’ll just tell them to stop breathing in a stern voice.

But cats have unleashed (heh) a terrible new weapon on dogs: the mountain lion.

This is a slippery slope, cats. You just brought a lion to a catfight.

Pets continue to mooch

We all know pets require a lot of time, care, attention, maintenance and in some cases, poop scooping. But the times are changing, and so are pets’ needs. One sign of this is that dogs now require cell phones, but you get stuck with the bill when they cannot pay it (they don’t have jobs, of course).

A collection agency sent Andy Fanelli, a fluffy white dog of some sort in California, a bill for $142.34 for Verizon Online. The lazy dog apparently has had a cell phone somewhere and is sticking it to is owners. This is why you can’t get attached to pets, because you may one day have to put them down.

(Via Consumerist)