‘So long, and thanks for all the fish hooks’

Everyone loves the king of the sea, and Beggar was the sea’s Henry VIII. But now the king is dead. (Long live the king!)

Beggar, a dolphin famous for begging for food from boaters in Florida, has died of cheeseburger-related illness. That’s according to biologists who found fish hooks, squid beaks (which are not part of a dolphin’s daily balanced breakfast) and ulcers in his partially-decomposed belly. Beggar was also dehydrated, which, for living underwater is nearly impossible unless fed a highly salty, bacon-wrapped diet.

So, well done, animal warriors. Your efforts have demonstrated that the second quickest way to stopping a dolphin’s heart is through his stomach.

Oh sure, support the rapists

Marine biologists are currently arguing that dolphins deserve their own form of equal rights.

Just like Bryan Schools’ desire to wear corsets, they are horribly, horribly wrong.

The basis for the debate is a bit of recent research. Studies have revealed a huge amount of evidence for both the breadth and depth of dolphin intelligence. Dolphins have (according to the crazy people) displayed self-awareness, unique personalities, the capability to think about the future, complex cooperation and group problem-solving, the ability to not only recognize themselves in mirrors but also use it to look at different parts of their bodies and even the capacity to learn symbol-based language.

But wait-there’s more. Apparently, there is also anatomical evidence to support the case for high dolphin intelligence. The ratio of brain mass to the overall mass of the body in dolphins is second only to that of humans, exceeding even that of chimpanzee’s.

This is highly, highly unfortunate news to hear. People don’t seem to realize that dolphins are the jerks of the sea. They’ll regularly group up to take out a shark or whatever prey that they’re hunting. Now, while we at SG do appreciate a civil war of sorts behind the front lines of the enemy, we also appreciate the characteristic of nobility. In that regard, does no one acknowledge the sadistic nature of their penchant for rape? Does no one remember the historical account (only the names and faces of the parties involved have been changed) of when a dolphin raped a hard-working American man for no reason at all? Shameful. Congratulations to Diana Reiss and Lori Marino for orchestrating a massive cover-up of such wanton behavior.