In Soviet Russia, dolphins kill you

We don’t want to alarm anyone, but some military-trained dolphins have gone AWOL. No, really. Let’s back up a bit.

The Soviets had a secret dolphin military training program back in the day, going back as far as 1973. They were used to detect things like mines usually, but they were also capable of attacking enemy divers and putting explosives on the sides of enemy ships. After the USSR fell, the evil dolphin unit was basically given to the Ukrainian navy, which began teaching them civilian things like working with children, which is exactly what you want a trained killer to do. But recently, they went back to their old training, complete with special knives and guns on their heads.

And now it looks like those dolphins spotted some females and went off to get them some. Yes, there are military-trained killer dolphins that are now swimming free. Thanks, commies.


Time to remove some ankle tattoos

So, dolphins, right? They’re pretty cool. They do flips for fish. They swim with dying kids even when they have cancer due to terrible life decisions. In return, we’ve stuck with them through a television career that began with Flipper and ended with SeaQuest (and a brief foray into film with Johnny Mnemonic), and we even felt guilty about our tuna purchases when they started using up out mayo.

But, what if we told you that it was all in vain and that dolphins have been holding out on us this whole time? What if it turned out that dolphins can speak like humans since day one, but just choose not to, even when nobody else understood us and our only solace was working at the local aquarium?

Maybe they’ll start talking if we deport all their dorsals back to the Gulf of Mexico.

Let’s face it, it’s tough to beat Vietnam

When it comes to killing off dolphins, few do it better than the southeast Asians. Some of you may remember all the way back to January 2008, when some fishermen from Bangladesh caught a rare Ganges River dolphin in the Ganges River (of all places and beat it to death, then dragged it through the streets.

Now, it seems our, um, “allies” in Vietnam are on the case. We don’t know what exactly they are doing to their dolphins in the Mekong River, but whatever it is, it’s working. Environmental groups that hate humanity say that there are as few as 64 of them left.

Good job, guys! We’re are on the verge of yet another victory. Keep up the good work and we’ll see you when this whole crazy war is over.

Victory in the courts at long last!

The Guys would like to thank all of you who turned out with us to picket the U.S. Supreme Court over the past month. We are pleased to announce that the court has ruled in our favor, which means the U.S. Navy can use its radar during training missions, regardless of how many whales, dolphins and porpoises are killed (and we hope that it is many).

The species traitors at the Natural Resources Defense Council argued that the solar posed a threat to marine mammals, who would hear the radar and become disoriented and probably die or something. As we have chronicled, the case has been bouncing around the legal system for more than a year. Finally, justice has been service in a 5-4 vote.

From the court decision:
“Of course, military interests do not always trump other considerations, and we have not held that they do. In this case, however, the proper determination of where the public interest lies does not strike us as a close question.”

We’re not really sure what “peace” the judges are talking about. This nation is at war with the beasts. However, we’ll take a decision in our favor any day.

They make better sandwiches than pets anyways

After receiving word from their penguin bretheren, it appears that all manner of sea-creatures are mobilizing an attack. A dolphin in Florida lept onto a boat and started violently thrashing, obviously trying to injure/kill anyone aboard. It appears as if the animals are strategically engineering their attacks along the coasts, our solution: nuke the seven seas and show these bastards how we really make fried fish.

Aquatic life in New Jersey?

Tonight, Flipper sleeps with ... um, himself.It’s apparently more likely than you’d think.

Some riverbank on the Jersey shore is teeming with dolphins. Wildlife officials are hoping the aquatic mammals will realize how much NJ’s holding them back and leave, perhaps to front the greatest rock band in the world … or maybe storm Broadway (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

In the meantime, the local mooks won’t stop poking the dolphins with sticks and orca recordings, each one thinking they’re some kind of Jack Hanna. Thanks to Animal Planet, every shmoe with cable is bugging officials with ideas to save them, including:

  • “[Dropping] down underwater cages to trap them, and then drag them out to the ocean and let them go there.”
  • “Bringing up 100 or so kayakers [from Florida] to form a line and use their paddles to herd the dolphins.”
  • “[Setting] a string of boats out there with nets and just work them out.”

We here at SeriouslyGuys are shaking our heads at these ideas. Haven’t these people ever heard of fishing?

You win some, you lose some

We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.

Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.

Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.

Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.

They are helping each other!

This blog talks about it, surmises it and even reads between the headlines to find it. But there is no denying it this time. The animals are working together.

In New Zealand, two pygmy sperm whales (you can tell they are pygmies by their short stature and nose rings) lay beached on … well, a beach earlier today. Then a bottlenose dolphin came up and showed the disoriented whales the way back to sea. There is no denying they are on the same side and are trying to save each other for some massive attack that is coming very soon.

It should also be noted that there were human traitors trying to rescue the whales.

“‘They kept getting disorientated and stranding again,’ said Smith, who was among the rescuers. ‘They obviously couldn’t find their way back past (the sandbar) to the sea.'”

Yeah, well that’s when you let beaching whales lie. If they are too stupid to find water, something which they call their home their entire lives, then it’s time they become seagull food.