Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.
The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!
Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.
The Navy’s trained dolphins are going to be deployed for a purpose completely contrary to our interests. They will find and protect the last of an endangered species of porpoises. The Navy has offered to help Mexican researchers find their vaquita porpoises in a conservation effort. That means that we’re so close to finishing off these things, and our own military wants to aid a foreign enemy.
It’s been a while since we last checked in on the military dolphins left over from the USSR. Nearly three years ago to the day, we warned you that some Ukrainian dolphins with special military skills went AWOL. Luckily, we haven’t seen them since.
But now, Russia wants some more dolphins. You see, when Russia invaded Crimea a couple years ago, they captured the Ukrainian Navy’s prized killer dolphin unit. Now it looks as if Russia wants to expand that program. The Defense Ministry is offering $24,000 for five bottlenose dolphins for unknown reasons.
Let’s keep in mind that these things have worked with knives and guns specialized for their use. Russia, you have teamed up with the enemy of all mankind. This will not stand.
This puts us in a strange situation. We don’t like that the U.S. Navy has trained animals how to kill us, but if the Russians have such technology, it makes sense that we should, too. In fact, if Russian dolphins ever attack, the U.S. can deploy its arsenal of dolphins, whales, seals, sea lions, sharks and birds to fend them off.
If you’re not rooting against Romania in the Winter Olympics already, you will be now. [Note to SeriouslyIntern: Check whether Romania is even competing in the Olympics so we don’t look stupid.]
Romanian politician Remus Cernea is drumming up support for giving human rights to dolphins, which are not, in fact, humans. He apparently doesn’t care about being seen as a species traitor and has introduced a bill that would grant the enemy the same rights as we humans, just because they are allegedly intelligent.
Luckily, Cernea hasn’t found much support at tall. [Note to SeriouslyIntern: Come up with funny line tying this all back to vampires.]
It’s no secret that humanity’s greatest threat today is whales and dolphins. People have been eating them for thousands of years, and using them for fuel for a few centuries. We’ve come close to defeating them, but not close enough. What could be better than eating these mammals of the sea? Making them into beer.
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition
August is still summer, damn it. And I’ll challenge anyone who says otherwise. When I was a kid, I hated the fact that classes started up in late August. In college, they started a week or two earlier. So for me, summer was effectively over. Now that I’m an adult and don’t have to worry about such silly things, I still have people telling me summer is over. One such person is Samuel Adams. His Octoberfest season beer hit shelves in late July. As far as I’m concerned, that’s prime summer beer time. There’s also talk that the summer movie season is drawing to a close this weekend. That might seem reasonable, seeing as how it how starts in April. In the Northern Hemisphere, summer goes from June 21 to September 21. If you announced your possible retirement from music this week, odds are you missed it.
‘Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your flight attendant’
If you hate flying and just wish you could get some peace a quiet during your flights, be glad you don’t live in England. Virgin Atlantic announced this week that it will be offering stand-up comedy acts on some of its flights within the U.K. There will even be live music acts on certain flights. And you know how everyone agrees on music. Virgin founder Richard Branson said that he just wanted a way for sky marshals to blow off some steam.
Has anyone thought to blame ‘Shark Week’?
Scores of dead dolphins have been washing ashore on the East Coast this summer, especially over the past two weeks. It’s happening at seven times the normal rate, according to some counts. Scientists say no cause has been found yet, but it’s likely something related to water quality. This is why you shouldn’t pee in the ocean.
The Roots were there for entrance music
Back in late July, Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their new daughter, Winnie Rose. This week, the new dad announced that they had had the child through a surrogate, after having difficulty conceiving. Fallon said that he had been concerned that if it was his wife having the baby, he’d start cracking up in the middle of one of her contractions.
Scottish scientists discovered that dolphins use a distinctive, identifying whistle and answer to it when another uses it. That’s right: dolphins have names, but not the embarrassing ones we give them to keep their spirits low like Finley, Dickbeak or Flipper.
In the wild, dolphins use a naming whistle to maintain contact with their groups, or pods. The 3D nature of a water environment, along with often poor visibility and everything smelling like whale s**t makes it otherwise impossible to track your friends and family.
Scientists have not yet translated the names into their English-equivalents, but if dolphins are anything like the ladies who do The Guys’ mani-pedis, then they’re probably all named Linda.
We don’t want to alarm anyone, but some military-trained dolphins have gone AWOL. No, really. Let’s back up a bit.
The Soviets had a secret dolphin military training program back in the day, going back as far as 1973. They were used to detect things like mines usually, but they were also capable of attacking enemy divers and putting explosives on the sides of enemy ships. After the USSR fell, the evil dolphin unit was basically given to the Ukrainian navy, which began teaching them civilian things like working with children, which is exactly what you want a trained killer to do. But recently, they went back to their old training, complete with special knives and guns on their heads.
And now it looks like those dolphins spotted some females and went off to get them some. Yes, there are military-trained killer dolphins that are now swimming free. Thanks, commies.