World’s dumbest salamander found in amber

Even though it was, by all accounts, a dummy, that won't stop us from using it as whatever a paperweight is.
We can’t wait to clone it, Jurassic Park-style, and play hours and hours of “Pete and Re-pete.”

It’s important to remember that, as we fight what seems to be a losing War on Animals every spring through fall, that natural selection has given us only the most fit of foes. So, it’s a tough war, but would our sacrifices mean anything if it was easy? Like, if the Caribbean salamander were still alive?

Scientists had long suspected that the Caribbean had salamanders, and now we know why they died off. They finally found one preserved in amber.

‘There are very few salamander fossils of any type, and no one has ever found a salamander preserved in amber,’ study author George Poinar, Jr., a professor emeritus in the Oregon State’s College of Science, said in a press release.

In other words: they were even dumb by salamander standards.

So, feel good about that bug you squashed today. Even if you outsize it by, like, 5 to 1? (we’re warriors, not model designers), you still crushed the very best nature could throw at you. And that’s why we choose to fight the animals: not because it is easy, but because it is hahd hard.

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

Haiti has a police force? Who knew?

Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.

The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.

Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you see Footloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”

Update (2 Feb 2010): Parents of the “orphans” are showing up to reclaim their children. Whoops!

Crumpets, get your crumpets here!

Baseball is really only played in the U.S.–and Japan–and Cuba–and the Dominican Republic–and OK, anyway, it’s an American sport. It’s the national pastime, and it’s the most watched sport in the country aside from football. But it looks as if the limeys are trying to steal home.

Yes, England is trying to steal the title of country of origin of baseball. Oh yeah? Then why do they play OUR national anthem at the beginning of games?

A journal from 1755 has a brief mention of the game being played in the South of England. Some friends got together on Easter Monday (better known as the day the rest of the world works) and played “base ball.” The alleged game was between the old rivals the Gov’nahs and the Redcoats.

Nice try, England. Next you’re going to try to tell us that apple pie was brought over by Hessian troops you hired to fight us in the Revolution. We are as American as cricket and apple strudel.