It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.
“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.
Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.
Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.
I realize that every industry wants to have their own fake holiday, but it’s getting a bit excessive. For example, yesterday was National Cherry Pie day. Today is National Margarita Day. Far be it from me to say we shouldn’t have holidays celebrating anything booze related, but who decides these things? Did the National Association of Tequila Distillers form a coalition with Lime Farmers of America to create this? Also, if you drink margaritas in February, and you don’t live on a beach, you have a problem. If you were busy writing your acceptance speech this week, odds are you missed it.
Fox joins the turtles
Remember Michael Bay’s plan to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now that he’s more or less finished crapping on the Transformers? Turns out it’s still very much in the works, as Bay announced this week that Megan Fox has been cast as April O’Neil, the turtles’ reporter friend. Bay said he is excited about the project, and that with the help of CGI, Fox will seem almost lifelike on screen.
Change comes slow in the South
With the recent success of Lincoln, which is up for a ton of Oscars this weekend, the 13th Amendment has been enjoying quite a bit of fame. However, the amendment, which banned slavery went without approval from Mississippi until recently. The state legislature never voted on the measure until 1995, and even then, the paperwork wasn’t filed until a professor figured it out a few weeks ago. When the state finally got its act together and ratified the 13th Amendment, they decided to break out the fire hoses just for old time’s sake.
Twitter breaks deal news yet again
It was a rough week on Twitter for a couple companies, after their accounts got hacked. First, Burger King’s account was hacked, sending out tweets that it had been sold to McDonald’s, and a day later, Jeep’s account was posting that it had been sold to Cadillac. Later in the week, Donald Trump was hacked, too. His followers first realized that it had happened when his tweets began lacking his typical air of douchbaggery.
In a world like ours where, no matter how slim it is, there’s a chance of having President Donald Trump, President Ron Paul (or for the visual-based people, President Six Flags Dancing Old Man Guy) or even scarier, President Newt (seriously, does he legitimately think that’s a good name for anyone?), someone else has decided to throw a hat into the ring.
Being of legal age and qualifying under all of the other guidelines, Barr has filed paperwork to become a candidate, hoping to get the Green Party’s nomination. While she has good enough ideas, the concept of replacing meat with nuts is something that SG Towers cannot back.
Oh, and why did we say it can only get worse from here? While it’s only speculation, imagine these words: Vice President Fran Drescher. The White House will be the most noise pollution-filled house ever in the country.
It’s the early afternoon. You already got away for lunch. There’s maybe one more break in the afternoon, but you don’t even smoke anymore.
Wouldn’t it be great if your entire career was wearing evening gowns to mall openings? That your only actual work was to maintain a healthy body weight and try not sound like a moron in your annual job interview pageant?
After receiving a second chance from Donald Trump to hold her title, she showed her gratitude by being a lousy beauty queen.
It’s like the national-level judges somehow knew she’s an idiot when they denied her the Miss USA crown. Of course, she’s the one who brought her comments to the media’s attention when she lost in the first place.
Taking a PR page from Heidi and Spence Montag, she’s now accusing Trump and the California-level authorities of firing her because of her anti-same sex marriage stance … a month after they defended her for it.
Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.
If few people pay attention to the Miss America beauty pageant, even fewer notice the Miss USA one. Miss USA is the Go-Bot version of the Transformer Miss America. (She turns into a liposuctioned has-been.) Hell, Donald Trump sponsors Miss USA, so it’s only slightly classier than the annual Hooters calendar competition.
There are only two times beauty pageants warrant more than a passing mention at the ass-end of the nightly news:
When it’s funny (which includes scandals, Vanessa Williams).
So, since the Miss USA competition is in the news, and I’ve already explored deaf people and retards in this column, there must have been a scandal. Miss California is in trouble because she responded to Internet symptom, Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage with:
“‘Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman,’ Carrie Prejean said to a mix of boos and applause. ‘No offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.'”
Some have argued, including Ms. Prejean herself, that she’s answered an opinion question and, therefore, there is no right or wrong answer. That’s true: there are no wrong opinions … but there are stupid ones.
Barely legal smut master Joe Francis has been ixnayed from the next version of Celebrity Apprentice because the sponsors don’t want him associating with classy and respectable citizens like Donald Trump. Which is totally and perfectly understandle. I mean, reality television is nothing if not classy, you know.