Tag: donation

Breastfeeding our ailing national pastime

A Los Angeles area Little League is in dire straits and could really use a miracle right now. And that’s when some angels show up to save the day — some naughty angels, that is.

The Lennox Little League, a poor urban community, was almost unable to pay increasing fees and can no longer sell grilled concessions thanks to regulations imposed by the K-8 Lennox School District. The Jet Strip, a local strip club whose manager serves on the all-volunteer Lennox Coordinating Council, donated $1200 to cover them for the year.

And it makes sense. Without future baseball players, who will support the strippers of tomorrow? Golfers? Please. There aren’t entire teams of golfers.

Man just can’t give his sperm away

Fremont, California resident and frequent masturbator Trent Arsenault has been ordered by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cease and desist giving cups of his batter away.

The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.

To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:

“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner was offended, saying that this was an obvious jab at the failing paper pornography industry, no matter how many times some photographer convinces a delusional Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe.

That’s enough, redheads, thanks for coming

Cryos International agency director (and Danish award-winning beer), Ole Schou, is up to his eyeballs in ginger semen. The world’s largest sperm bank has no further need for the foreseeable future for donations from redheads or, for that matter, Scandinavians who don’t have brown eyes.

(Bonus Headline of the Day points to MSNBC for the “Redheads Need Not Apply” call back to American anti-Irish racism.)

Schou told msnbc.com that nobody seems to want redhead sperm except the Irish, who aren’t aware that children come in different colors, and nobody wants Scandinavian sperm because of their complicated instruction manuals and critical missing pieces.

However, if you are Black, Asian, Hispanic, Mediterranean or mixed-race, then you are welcome to step up from amateur ‘baiting to the pros.

Saving the poor from (further) bad decisions

Sometimes it’s tough to ignore homeless people. It’s a burden to pretend they don’t exist, imagining the situation that could put us in their position, and they aren’t helping with gaudy, out-of-season clothes. Penniless and attention-whoring is no way to go through life, son.

If you’re looking for a solution to the homeless problem described above, then New York would be the best place to start. Proving that miracles still happen on 34th Street, clothing store H&M refuses to donate unsold clothing and even cuts or hole-punches them before throwing the items away.

Bravo, H&M! It’s bad enough that poor people ride our buses and breathe our air, but the last thing we need is for them to offend our sense of style. If they want to wear designer clothes, then maybe they should get a job and buy the latest items that consumers actually want, hm?

And, of course, they’ll be able to throw those clothes away after a year of use.

Bonus Quote: “H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.”

You can’t fake that kind of philanthropy, people.

(Courtesy of Chris S.)