There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.
Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.
We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.
And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.
It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins
The doctor* is in the hizz-ouse!
It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions, but your insurance coverage ran out a long time ago.
Unfortunately for my golf game, President Barack Obama is trying to push healthcare reform through–which means more questions for me–and if it passes, I might have to actually practice medicine* for once!
So, let’s get to those letters and, if we have time, a town hall meeting! Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?
Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.
And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)
Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.
Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.
Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).
And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.
Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.
Tupac Shakur failed to make this year’s issue because, as Dr. Snee explained, that’s how iron lungs work.
Dear Dr. Snee,
I have a 12-year-old son who has recently started spending a lot of time in the bathroom. A lot of time. When I ask him what he’s doing, he refuses to look me in the eye and says that he “was just, you know, going to the bathroom.” As a mother, I’d like to believe him, but what kind of kid goes to the bathroom three times in one hour?! What should I do?
12-years-old, eh? Inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, you say? No complete sentences in this medical advice column yet? Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A pregnant pause