Two fewer reasons to watch the Grammys this year

Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they're a woman or gay, of course.)
Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they’re a woman or gay, of course.)

For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual  Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”

The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts […] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)

Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.

No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.