Drunk seagulls terrorize British beachgoers

Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.

In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.

These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.

The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.

Drunken mountain climbing is the hot new trend

The best part about a vacation is that you get to travel to a new place and drink there. The only down side is that if you get drunk, you may not find your way home. But that’s just part of the adventure, isn’t it?

An Estonian man on vacation in the Italian Alps got drunk and thought he was heading back to his hotel, but ended up hiking halfway up a mountain. According to reports, the drunk man took a wrong turn and headed up a hiking path, and was forced to break into a bar (divine providence!) to stay warm for the night.

He was found by bar staff the next morning with a great drinking story.

Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

Warm face, lubricated heart

Greek researchers have devised a new method for identifying drunks: thermal scanning their faces.

Every drinker has 20 points on their face that warm up when booze is consumed, and the more you drink, the more those spots heat up. And, of those spots, certain ones heat up more than others, indicating just how many sheets you’ve hoisted into the wind. Your nose, for example, gets considerably warmer than your forehead once you begin to tie one on in earnest.

So, if you’re looking to elude capture in the future, Space Drinkers, you’ll just have to cut off your head. Hopefully, medical science will allow that; otherwise, you can only do it once.

It’s not the size of the glass, it’s the motion of the potion

As we leave you for a three day weekend, we take a look at the sport of boozing. New research in the field (or “bar”) indicates that people drink beer faster when served in a high-falutin’ curved glass than from traditional pint glass. The drinkers finished curvy beers five minutes faster, taking up to 12 minutes to consume their plain-jane drafts.

The brave beer scientists believe it’s not physics at play here, but a matter of human psychology or, more to the point, perception.

Your average drinker measures their progress in degrees, like “half-empty” or “half-full.” They then use this halfway marker to determine whether they are drinking too fast or too slow. But, with a curvy glass, the midway point becomes hazy, just like the drinker himself. Unable to determine how much beer is “half,” they are no longer able to moderate their drinking and finish, on average, in seven minutes instead of 12.

To avoid falling victim to this sensation, the Guys suggest thinking of your beer as neither half-empty nor half-full, but as a wasted opportunity for another full glass.

Baby Merlot gets go-ahead from Danish doctors

As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.

Alcohol: The elixir of youth

It may seem like we champion the health benefits of booze to the point of ignoring its effects on driving. Well, you know what’s (arguably) more dangerous than drunk driving? Elderly driving.

And that’s where booze wins again. According to a retrospective British study, which was most likely performed with room temperature beer, drinking reduces susceptibility to rheumatoid arthritis.

So, you wanna stay young, loose and safe? Drink.

What are the kids drinking these days?

Yesterday, we brought you news about eyeballing, a new trend with the youngins that involves pouring vodka into your eyes to absorb alcohol faster (really? Why not a vodka IV, kids?), today, we bring you the other big trend sweeping the country’s functional drunks: bros icing bros.

Imagine you are going about your day, when someone you know taps you on the shoulder and hands you a Smirnoff Ice. Before, you would tell them to get that trash out of your face, but now, you have to get down on one knee and chug it, regardless of where you are and the fact that your friends are planning on posting the video on YouTube in an hour.

It’s the latest alcohol-related prank, that apparently got its start with fraternities, and may or may not be a viral marketing campaign from Smirnoff Ice. I think we know what The Guys are going to be doing at our next get-together.