We suburban Americans are normally a cowardly lot. We don’t really grow a pair of balls until wrapped in steel Toyotas and a horn can do our talking.
But, there are certain times when we just can’t resist making someone feel like s@&t about their personal habits.
Prime example: smoking.
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t have sympathy for smokers, and I smoke. But it doesn’t matter where you light up. It could be in the clearly marked smoking area, a corn field in the middle of Nebraska, an asbestos shingles factory in Bangladesh or the Earth’s molten core. Somebody will walk up to you and say, “You know that’s killing you, right?” Continue reading Take it from Snee: The quittening
Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management researchers have learned something interesting about guilt: it makes you drink. For some reason, millions of Americans want to forget why they feel guilty, and nothing helps you forget like booze.
But did you know that undergraduates feel guilty about drinking underage and/or to excess? When shown Canadian (?) anti-drinking drinking public service ads, the teens decided they needed a drink.
American teens drinking to forget guilt-trips from our frozen, drunken neighbors to the north? Yeah, we’ll drink to that, too.
It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:
- Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
- Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
- Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.
But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:
- Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.
You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.
But then, something changed.
According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.
You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.
How to effectively protest against drunk driving charges:
1. Stay sober. Remember, when you’re on the road, you can’t protest drunk driving charges if you’re over the legal limit. Plus, there’s that whole safety thing.
2. Idle hands create idle … stuff. If you are drinking, swallow throw away those keys. All of them. Yes, even the spares that you may have. Instead, get busy, by putting together a puzzle, calling your friends or walking around on the tops of the cars around you. Enjoy a delicious castor oil-toothpaste-Vick’s Vap O Rub cocktail. Put together your “Anti-Drunk Driving Charge” protest rally sign. Anything but fiddling with those car keys of yours.
3. Don’t bug the po-lice. If you have gotten a DUI (or its equivalent in your country), lay off the sauce. Don’t drink anymore. Don’t drive anymore. Don’t go to the police headquarters in order to discuss “their mistake”. Just get out your checkbook, pay your fine, mail it off and twiddle your thumbs for the next 5 weeks.
Unfortunately, it would seem that people in Vienna just don’t know how to take our advice.
Vienna has just now gotten access to SeriouslyGuys.com.
Oh. My, well, this is slightly awkward.
So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.
I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)
So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?
Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy
According to a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, US teens are more likely to lie about having sex, doing drugs and smoking cigarettes than they were in the 1990s.
“About 48 percent of high school students were no longer virgins in 2007, down from 54 percent in 1991.
“Meanwhile, just 15 percent said they’d had four or more sexual partners, down from 19 percent in 1991.
“And 62 percent of sexually active students said they’d used a condom the last time they had sex, up from 46 percent in 1991.
“Some 35 percent of teens had at least one drink of alcohol in the month before they were surveyed in 2007, down from 42 percent in 1991.
“Marijuana used has fallen to 20 percent of students from a peak of 27 percent in 1999 while methamphetamine use is down to four percent of teens surveyed in 2007 from 10 percent in 2001.
“Nearly half as many students admitted to carrying some kind of weapon: 17 percent in 2007 compared with 33 percent in 1991.”
So, at least teens are smarter than their counterparts in the 1990s.
In more Wacky Australian Booze News, one-third of surveyed Australian women tip a few back while pregnant. Not only are they drinking while incubating future felons, but 93% of that third said that “they knew alcohol could affect an unborn child.”
In response, Australian scientists plan to use these results for a public health campaign about the dangers of drinking with a minor onboard.
This blog cannot agree more: while we support boozing in general, we cannot deny the effects of alcohol on babies. It makes them cooler, appear more mature, more confident with the ladies and possibly super strong. Australians are already all of that. By nurturing these traits at a prenatal stage, the rest of the world will never be able to keep up.
Should the health campaign fail, The Guys see no other alternative than a preemptive strike. That’s right: free cigarettes for pregnant Aussies. The secondhand smoke should float down to their pouches.
There I was, hunched down behind some logs, looking up every now and then and pointing my weapon, searching for the enemy. I have seen the face of war, and I can safely conclude one thing for certain: I am really not good in combat situations.
If the welts up and down my body prove anything, it’s that when it comes to playing paintball, I have a lot of practicing to do. Over the weekend, as part of my friend Paul’s bachelor party, we menfolk did what menfolk have been doing since time began, the oldest of bachelor party rights: playing three on three paintball with only face masks as protection. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Paintball kicked my butt
Drinking is a lot like working out: the more you do it, the better your body image gets, which leads to improved confidence, beer pong agility and endurance to
work out drink more.
It’s no wonder then that British ladies have applied this principle to their diets. Called “drunkorexia,” these ladies skip meals to drink more.
The Institute of Psychiatry in London claims that they do this to lose weight. What these experts don’t realize is that, by eating less, the booze takes stronger effect. After all, you don’t eat a turkey dinner before running a marathon, right?
In related news, British women are pressured to drink more:
“With pressure on young women to drink but also remain slim, many are now swapping dinner for a large glass or two of wine” (emphasis ours).