Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.
A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.
We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.
To all of our teen girl readers, The Guys would just like to say: LOOK UP! RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT!
If you’re reading this page on your phone while driving, you may want to look up for a second because a playground just merged into your lane.
According to a study at the University of Utah, only 2.5 percent of people can sufficiently do two things at once, like curl their hair and burp a baby.
If you’re not one of these 2.5 percent and attempt to drive and talk on the phone, then you’re an idiot. If you are one of these 2.5 percent, then you’re a “supertasker,” which makes you sound like an idiot.
In Other News:
New England drivers can breathe a sigh of relief. Rhode Island is finally getting its drivers off the road.
My younger brother recently got his learner’s permit. This is important because he is now one step closer to becoming a functional member of society. Myself, it took three attempts to finally seal the deal with getting the learner’s permit. Still, I can’t help but think that my adventures with the DMV were easier than that of Susumu Moriya.
Apparently Moriya entered a Japanese police station around 9:30 AM to renew his drivers license while completely intoxicated. After experiencing a bit of trouble with the touch screen interface that’s used to print out the request form, Moriya asked for help. Unable to understand the officer who came to assist him, he became belligerent, even going as far as to throw his license to the floor in anger.
When the officer had smelt the alcohol on Moriya’s breath, he asked how Moriya had arrived at the station. Moriya then lied, stating that he had walked. However, the moment he was asked to leave, Moriya went straight to his car. 200 meters later, and Moriya was arrested for drunk driving.
He later informed the police that he had started drinking as early as 6 AM and had consumed two beers and several glasses of shochu. Pro-tip for all you hopeful drivers out there: visiting a police station while drunk as a skunk probably isn’t the best of ideas.
Do you drive a car? Did you know that most of cars involved in fatal accidents are driven by humans? It’s true. We suck at driving because it’s so damn boring. We need to change the stereo setting from FM1 to AUX, we need to fix the GPS settings, and most importantly, we need to kill our arms holding up our cell phones for a half an hour talking and driving.
Some people find talking on the phone and driving as dangerous. California is one of those people. There, the first lady, Mariah Shriver was caught talking on her cell phone even though her husband made it illegal.
Ever the actor. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said during a speech that he couldn’t believe his wife was “holding that phone in her hand like in the Stone Age.” It should be noted that the governor of California is something of an amateur archaeologist.
He is totally right. Back in the Stone Age, cave women would drive around in their cars talking on their cell phones. This left them vulnerable to being bashed over the head by cave men and dragged off romantically.
The Germans gave us the highway and they gave us some pretty nice cars to go along with it. (Unfortunately, the cars are so complicated that they are fixed by import specialists for a lot of money, but that’s not really here nor there.) The Germans are also very, very good at obeying authority, so naturally, we think they are great drivers.
Well, not all of them are, apparently. One German woman got into three car accidents in one single hour. This is normally a feat reserved for bumper cars, but the 69 year-old woman rose to the occasion and got some help along the way. First off, she drove into three cars in a supermarket parking lot, then she drove into a house.
When the medics came to treat her, they had to take her to the hospital. On the way, the ambulance was hit by a truck.
Or, 25 Things About Me
I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?
Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)
So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me: Continue reading Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy
In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is engaged in an economic crisis two wars a gas crunch a bake-off a presidential election. In fact, we’ve been engaged in this election, and nothing else, for over a year now–and we’re tired of it.
If it weren’t for the schadenfreude that is Sarah Palin blooper tapes, the American public would have moved on to something else by now. (Did the new American Idol season start, yet? We’ll watch that at this point.)
Everyone knows who they’re voting for already, and those that rely on the debates to form their opinion could fit in the college rec halls where they hold those things. Even Ohio has moved up their election, just get the damn thing over with, and that’s Ohio! There’s nothing else to talk about in Ohio and they want this crap done.
Unfortunately, we’re stuck in this rut until November 5, when we start the new news cycle: “What did the President-Elect say today?” How will you survive until the inauguration in January? Read on to learn how to tune out the election. Continue reading How To: Tune out the election
… And by that, we mean they’re people who shouldn’t drive. At all.
It’s been proven (by being written in this article) that ADHD teens “are impulsive, highly distractible and clumsy, can’t pay attention to the roadway and they get bored easily.” Not only that, but they’re on medication–just like old people!
Look, we understand they have AIDS or something, and that it’s not their fault that they got their disorder by smoking and living under power lines, but do the rest of us seriously need to suffer?
It’s not like ADHD teens need to drive anyway. Sure, they’ll get in the car to drive you to dance class, but halfway there, they’ll just get distracted and you’re stranded at the pet shop–out of gas, of course.
So if you’re the parent of an ADHD teen, please, don’t let them drive. Or ride a bike. Or leave the house. Thank you.
As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.
Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.
I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (“accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.
But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.
Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.
Here’s how it’s gonna go down: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!