Don’t drink and drone

While White House intruders aren’t really new, they are typically land-based intrusions. But now, they’re coming from the air, and they are kind of tipsy.

A quadcopter drone was found on the White House grounds on Monday morning, which set off some security concerns. Turns out, the threat was internal. An off-duty security officer, after having a few drinks, decided it was a good idea to try out his friend’s drone from the balcony of his apartment near the White House. But amazingly, he lost control.

He woke up the next morning to the news. Since he’s a federal employee, we’re just going to assume he’ll get promoted, rather than fired.

What do Jenny McCarthy and the Taliban have in common?

You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.

In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.

But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.

Friday Numbers Game!

As we count the hours to Happy Hour, let’s look at other numbers in the news today.

A senior U.S. official took exception to the claim that CIA drone attacks in Pakistan killed around 2,000 militants (hooray!) and 168 children (boo!). The numbers come from a report released by the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism. The official agreed with the militant death count, but found it hard to believe that the drones only killed 168 kids, who are slower, dumber and attracted to flying robots.

And, speaking of the UK, at least 1,700 suspects have been arrested in connection with rioting that began in Tottenham and spread wherever stores still had iPads. Scotland Yard said “that number is changing all the time,” which has led Parliament to authorize prospecting for a New Australia.