It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?
Canada is our neighbor to the north, if you believe what the dishonest media says. And it’s no secret that the Canadian education system beats ours in a lot of different ways. They even teach their kids to learn a trade by giving them instructions for cooking drugs.
In Ontario, a teacher has found herself suspended after she assigned homework that included instructions on how to cook and inject crystal meth. The drama teacher reportedly printed out instructions, which included ingredients, for meth, so that her students could create a skit about it.
There have been no reports as to how good the recipe is.
It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.
There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.
In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,
So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.
We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.
But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.
You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.
Smuggling isn’t as cool as it once was. In the 1920s, smuggling in booze was a cool and respected job. Now, it doesn’t really matter. We can’t even feel cool smuggling in Cuban cigars anymore. (Thanks, Obama.)
But smuggling in drugs can be at least entertaining when they get busted. Earlier this week, U.S. Border Patrol agents discovered a ton of marijuana being smuggled from Mexico in a truck. The pot was being shipped in containers made to look like hundreds and hundreds of carrots. Nice try, drug smugglers, everyone knows Americans don’t eat carrots. Maybe you should make fake cheeseburgers.
OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.
Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).
And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.
Humanity is making some strides to reform how we treat and rehabilitate our prisoners. Unfortunately, our animal foes just want to keep them down.
In Brazil, authorities caught a mouse that was trying to transport drugs throughout a prison. It was caught with packages of cocaine and marijuana tied to its tail. The prison guards say that the mouse was trained by inmates to move the drugs around, but we know better. It seems far more likely that the mouse itself was selling drugs to inmates to keep them addled and useless. After all, if we lock up our own kind, that just means fewer humans for the animals to fight.
The Guys are sad to see the mouse stoop so low, it’s bad enough the robots are trying to keep our prisoners down in the first place.
This blog would never encourage you to do anything illegal. Which is why if you’re reading this in Ireland, stop immediately, and go do some drugs.
That’s right, thanks to a court ruling and a loophole in Irish drug laws, ecstasy, mushrooms, ketamine and other drugs are completely legal–until Thursday. An Irish judge has found one of the country’s biggest drug laws unconstitutional, which means that of the Class A drugs, which probably means most of the hard stuff, is temporarily legal.
Saint Patrick’s Day has come early for the Irish. In case you forget what’s legal on your way out to buy drugs, here’s a helpful song. (Last 30 seconds NSFW.)