Tag: drugs

Talk to your pets about drugs before someone else does

A lot of people may think that Obamacare is bad, but treatment for animals may end up being far, far worse if veterinarian Doug Kramer gets his way.

He says that dogs should be allowed to have doses of marijuana, like they need to be high to chase their tails. Kramer said that he gave his dog weed when it was suffering from a terminal form of cancer, and in no time, she had a spring in her step and continued to enjoy her life, even if she did eat all of the Cheetos in the house.

What’s worse, he says cats and other animals could also see the benefits of marijuana. No thanks, Dr. Kramer. If our pets want to have drug habits, they can get a job and pay for it themselves.

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

Every dog has his day … in the U.S. Supreme Court

When you face a foe as great in numbers as animals, humans want to believe that we aren’t alone in this fight. We’ve long put dogs on a pedestal, claiming them as man’s best friend. But, let’s not forget that only 10,000 years ago, they were wolves.

We’ve depended on dogs in police work, especially for enforcing our nation’s drug laws, which have now incarcerated a larger portion of our population than that of any other country, even the freedom-hating ones like North Korea and China. Could this have been dogs’ plan from the beginning, to arrest as many fighting Americans as possible so we would be powerless to stop their inevitable attack?

The U.S. Supreme Court is about to decide whether police dogs are planting evidence. Or, at least whether using their sense of smell alone is strong enough evidence for a search. Either way, it looks like some species is about to get their face rubbed in the Constitution of the United States.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.

The Real Story: ‘Person-years’

Sometimes, everything you need to know in a story is right there in the first sentence. Sometimes, its buried further down. And, sometimes, its buried so deep that the story itself is about something else entirely. That’s where “The Real Story” comes in.

According to Time, the story is that China has started distributing free antiretroviral treatments to 63 percent of those in their population who are  infected with HIV. The other 37 percent? Not so much, because they got pre-AIDS from sex or drug use.

In order for this item to be news, this would mean believing that the Chinese government can do anything without at least one evil element.

No, the real story here is how the worldwide medical community rates the effectiveness of antiretroviral treatment: in “person-years,” or “an estimate of the number of years that would have been lost due to early death from AIDS.”

We’re sorry. Your dog may be 12 in “dog years,” but in “person-years?” Barkplug has AIDS.

It’s good to be the Sheen

In today’s job market, one wrong tweet or photograph can get you fired faster than Charlie Sheen at an AA sponsorship.

What’s that? Charlie Sheen’s antics with ex-wives, porn stars and kids (oh my!) were in the freaking newspaper, and CBS is merely “concerned?”

It probably helps that he’s currently playing a tamer version of himself on a show that wins awards keeps making money, but damn, actors’ unions just beat teachers’ unions.

Respect the Putin

As the saying goes, there ain’t no party like a Moscow party, because a Moscow party don’t stop.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, who you may know as a politician, showed off his mad rapping skills on Russia’s version of MTV. OK, well really he was just there to talk, but hey, he may have rhymed in his own language.

“I do not think that ‘top-rock’ or ‘down-rock’ breakdance technique is compatible with alcohol or drugs,” Putin told cheering hip-hoppers who responded with chants of “Respect, Vladimir Vladimirovich.”

Putin is pretty gangsta, after all. Remember the campaign for who would be his replacement as president? Anyone who stepped to him got capped in the ass–except with radiation poisoning.

Wii would like to not get caught on camera

Remember the law enforcement professionals down in Florida who killed time on a drug raid by bowling up big scores on a drug kingpin’s Wii? Well, 11 of them got sanctioned for their conduct. Of course, not that badly, mind you.

All of them, whose names aren’t being published because they were working undercover, got reassignments and retraining. Nobody lost their job, which probably is fair enough. It was embarrassing as you can believe to the Polk County Drug Task Force but, despite the pleading of the kingpin’s lawyer, their conduct did not invalidate the search.

Caught in the blast: six detectives, a deputy, and four sergeants. The detectives got “a letter of retraining” and “two hours of retraining.” The supervising sergeants got a “letter of guidance” and “four hours of retraining.”

Retraining? Like what, how to put better spin on the Wiimote?

You know what we mean

English majors all look the same.When it comes to sentence structure and self-editing, it’s painfully obvious that most people around us don’t care. We see it in places of business, in advertisements and on the entire Internet.

Sometimes, yes, we’re nitpicking when we point out your errors in written communication. We still “knew what you meant.”

Maybe we were acting like Grammar Nazis all along: rounding up your mistakes, relegating them to ghettos and then eventually exporting them to slave labor camps where your misplaced apostrophes were worked to death, medically-experimented on and gassed before they were cremated and buried in mass graves. Perhaps you weren’t exaggerating at all.

Of course … it only took one typo to set a man convicted of possessing over 100 grams of cocaine (who is also wanted for weapons violations) free.

Reefer madness destroys Olympic Gold Medalist

The “squares” in Washington and the clergy have been trying to warn you youngsters, but clearly you haven’t paid attention: marijuana is a dangerous, dangerous drug and nobody is immune to its ill effects.

Even the greatest young people aren’t immune to its devil charms. Michael Phelps, the gazillion-time Olympic Gold Medalist, may face pot charges after a photo of him smoking a marijuana pipe reached the Internet.

The American hero was minding his own business, making a publicity/inspirational appearance at the University of South Carolina. He found himself at a party, enjoying records and talking to nice girls.

All of a sudden, in walks Steve, an English major, who offers everyone a “party favor” from his “magic party vase.” Steve’s a nice guy and really into art and clothes; who would suspect that he was on a suicide terrorist mission to destroy the lives of all his friends and Michael Phelps?

(We would. Also, Steve’s clearly gay.)

Marijuana works against the body like so:

  1. The smoke is inhaled into the lungs, where it is sent with oxygen to the brain.
  2. THC, a chemical in the smoke, makes the brain go wonky and creates the world’s most longest, most annoying jam music.
  3. Adults find out you’ve been smoking marijuana and get angry.
  4. You go to jail for contributing to the estates of the surviving Grateful Dead.

So, for the love of God and America, don’t get caught smoking marijuana. The parents will never shut up about it.