At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.

Mouse caught selling drugs to prisoners

Humanity is making some strides to reform how we treat and rehabilitate our prisoners. Unfortunately, our animal foes just want to keep them down.

In Brazil, authorities caught a mouse that was trying to transport drugs throughout a prison. It was caught with packages of cocaine and marijuana tied to its tail. The prison guards say that the mouse was trained by inmates to move the drugs around, but we know better. It seems far more likely that the mouse itself was selling drugs to inmates to keep them addled and useless. After all, if we lock up our own kind, that just means fewer humans for the animals to fight.

The Guys are sad to see the mouse stoop so low, it’s bad enough the robots are trying to keep our prisoners down in the first place.

Drugs legal in Ireland for a day, now you can see leprechauns

This blog would never encourage you to do anything illegal. Which is why if you’re reading this in Ireland, stop immediately, and go do some drugs.

That’s right, thanks to a court ruling and a loophole in Irish drug laws, ecstasy, mushrooms, ketamine and other drugs are completely legal–until Thursday. An Irish judge has found one of the country’s biggest drug laws unconstitutional, which means that of the Class A drugs, which probably means most of the hard stuff, is temporarily legal.

Saint Patrick’s Day has come early for the Irish. In case you forget what’s legal on your way out to buy drugs, here’s a helpful song. (Last 30 seconds NSFW.)

Don’t have kids, they’re total narcs

Don’t have kids, or associate with people who do. They will unknowingly rat you out every time.

Police in Florida stopped a car with three adults and an 11-month-old boy. They found that one of the passengers was a recently released inmate, and asked everyone to step out of the car. They asked the woman riding shotgun, Candyce Harden, to take the boy out of the car, so that they could search the vehicle for narcotics. The cops didn’t find anything, and they were just about to finish up when the boy reached into Harden’s shirt and pulled out a bag of cocaine like he was pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

As you might imagine, things didn’t go so well after that. And it was all because of a kid.

Heat, drugs and Snoopy: The Australian Open

No one watches tennis. Scientific studies have proven this time and time again, yet they keep playing for some reason. The keepers of the sport know this, so they have come up with something to get people to watch major tennis events: allowing hallucinogenic drugs.

It’s not for the fans, they have to get their own. It’s the players who are on them, and they are tripping balls while they swat at ball at the Australian Open. Frank Dancevic, a Canadian who is also apparently a tennis player, collapsed on the court, or pitch, or something, in the middle of his first round match. He told the media he saw Snoopy just before he fainted. No doubt his trip was sponsored by MetLife.

Of course, officials are trying to cover up the use of illegal drugs, claiming that it’s the fact that they are playing in 108-degree heat, but we all know that’s a lie.

You Missed It: Back to work edition

You can always tell when it's Sweeps Week at C-SPAN.
You can always tell when it’s Sweeps Week at C-SPAN.

When you think about it, Columbus Day is pretty strange. Let’s leave out that Christopher Columbus may not have been the first European to set foot in the New World. We can even leave out that he really just found the Caribbean, and that the indigenous people gave syphilis to Europe. Let’s also leave out that the holiday was once the Italian equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. Does anyone really have that day off? Does anyone know how we’re supposed to celebrate it? If you were busy getting ready for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone starring in the same movie this week, odds are you missed it.

What would Jesus defund?
Just hours before the U.S. was going to default on its loans for the first time in modern times, Congress decided it might be a good idea to fund the government and raise the debt ceiling, regardless of what they think about ensuring the health of the citizenry. Just after the vote in the House, where all the problems came from, a stenographer decided it was a good idea to rant into the microphone about Jesus versus the evil Freemasons. This is what happens when people work without pay for more than two weeks.

Destiny misses
Scientists announced this week that life on Earth almost ended in September and we didn’t even know it. Apparently, a big asteroid passed our favorite planet relatively closely, and the people who are supposed to be watching the skies for these kinds of things didn’t even know it existed. The good news is that the asteroid will be back in 2032, and scientists say it as a 1:63,000 chance to hitting us. So you may not want to wait on that bucket list.

‘Transformers: What Did the Five Fingers Say to the Face?’
Director Michael Bay, fresh off his Lone Ranger bomb, is shooting the next movie in the Transformers franchise. One the very first day of shooting, some guys, apparently high on something, harassed the crew, and eventually one tried to slap Bay, who ducked out of the way. Naturally, the incident was caught in slow-motion as a camera whipped around the pair a full 360 degrees. And buildings exploded.

Turkish bodybuilder boards Angela Merkel’s plane, has a party

If you’re a head of state, you expect your plane to be pretty secure, right? It’s not like Air Force One is just left unguarded. That thing’s watched 24 hours a day. German Chancellor Angela Merkel doesn’t have that kind of luxury.

It recently came to light that in late July, a Turkish bodybuilder high on ecstasy and marijuana, snuck on to Merkel’s plane as it sat abandoned one night at the Cologne airport. He then stripped down to his underwear, sprayed the fire extinguisher everywhere, hit random buttons in the cockpit, released that cool inflatable slide thing, and even danced on the wing.

Dude, Oktoberfest isn’t until late September.

The snows of Ecuador

When going on vacation, it’s probably best to just write off all of South America. Really, we mean the whole continent. It’s filled with lovely people and all, but it sort of seems like they target tourists wherever you go. That is, of course, except for Ecuador. They love tourists there.

A French couple arrived home after a vacation in Ecuador, and luckily, their bags arrived along with them. However, when the couple got home, they discovered that their bags had been unpacked for them somewhere in transit. They had no clothes or souvenirs, except for a very special gift from the people of Ecuador: cocaine. 20 kilograms (about 44 lbs.) of it.

That’s how you get return business.

Talk to your pets about drugs before someone else does

A lot of people may think that Obamacare is bad, but treatment for animals may end up being far, far worse if veterinarian Doug Kramer gets his way.

He says that dogs should be allowed to have doses of marijuana, like they need to be high to chase their tails. Kramer said that he gave his dog weed when it was suffering from a terminal form of cancer, and in no time, she had a spring in her step and continued to enjoy her life, even if she did eat all of the Cheetos in the house.

What’s worse, he says cats and other animals could also see the benefits of marijuana. No thanks, Dr. Kramer. If our pets want to have drug habits, they can get a job and pay for it themselves.

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.