How To: Kick Being a Fast Food Junkie

Here in the U.S. of A, at times, we citizens feel pressure to eat nothing but junk food. Deep-fried, massive caloric, heavy in transfats, it doesn’t matter: all of those descriptions taste delicious. Oh sure, we’ll blow out our colon on the terlet, but think of the savings we get in our budget!

Well, maybe we need to think otherwise. I mean, we’re all dying sooner and sooner. There’s a heavy risk of heart disease and other related conditions from both sides of my family. But it’s not easy! I mean, everyone’s tried the diets, whether fad or basic, but they just don’t work. So it’s time to look across the pond and see what the English might have to offer. Peter Andrews, a building worker, has found an exemplary way to cut out the pounds. As follows:

  1. Get blindly drunk.
  2. Attempt to get late night McDonald’s after closing. Be refused service.
  3. Go back home and get behind the wheel of your car.
  4. Ask for service one more time. Be refused once again.
  5. Drive the back end of your car into the entrance of the building repeatedly.
  6. Get arrested for your crime. At your sentencing, be banned from all McDonald’s in the country.

See? Simple and effective!

Fine, but is the cat dead?

Graeme Swann, who is a star “spinner” for what we’re told is a sport called “cricket,” was pulled over for drunk driving because his cat got stuck in the floorboards of his home.

Well, first he was pulled over for driving a Porsche in a s#@tty neighborhood. Then he apparently sounded drunk when trying to explain to the officer that his cat had crawled into his house’s floor.

A blood test confirmed that he was 3 mg over the legal limit, but milligrams are as foreign to us as a sport where players dress like picnickers in Mary Poppins. So, we have no idea if he was really smashed or just booze-ness casual.

The story also fails to mention if the cat is still stuck in the floorboards.

Bored? Why wait?

“There was nothing else to do.”

That was the actual defense used by Paul Nigel Sneddon of New Zealand. Why exactly was it used as a defense? Because Sneddon plead guilty to drunk driving when officers arrived at the scene, which I’ll now paint for you: Sneddon in his Ford Laser, flipped over, casually drinking another beer.

Talk about a man who utilizes what he has on hand. If he was on the set of The Towering Inferno, he might use the residual flames to light his cigarette. If he was in the Superdome in August of 2005, he might decide to go for a swim. And if he were trapped in an avalanche, Sneddon might very well decide to go for a sno-cone.

You Missed It: Unofficial end of summer edition

It’s the end of a long week before a long weekend. (That is how it works, isn’t it?) You probably stopped working hours ago and are now just surfing for random stuff. Before you go back to your LOLcats, I hope you enjoy this. If you were busy getting hazed by embassy security guards this week, odd are you missed it.

At least we don’t get hurricanes
Firefighters in the Los Angeles area fought, of all things, a fire this week in what is becoming the annual “hills are burning” festival. And once again, the cause is likely arson, according to investigators. Though the flames billowed smoke for days and are not yet contained fully, Los Angeles resident have only noticed their usual smog is pine scented now.

Just don’t get her started on her 8/6/45 inside job theories
The normally straight-laced Japan is in for some exitement in the near future. (This is true.) Miyuki Hatoyama, the country’s future first lady claims she knows Tom Cruise–not in this life, but a past one. Better yet, she and her husband regularly eat the sun, and once when she was sleeping, aliens abducted her and took her to Venus. You can find these revelations and more in Hatoyama’s new book The Audacity of Bats$%t Insane.

Yay feminism!
According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that the number of female DUIs rose nearly 30 percent from 1998 to 2007. Police say the number may have increased because is particularly because it is difficult to tell if a car is swerving because the driver is intoxicated, or just female.

Kidz Korner: What’s that on Daddy’s breath?

Here at SG (and the rest of the Internet, really), we love more taking other people down a peg while pretending to be important ourselves. But if there’s one thing we love more than that, it’s the corruption of the innocent.

A group of kids are likely to either hate cops or fear clowns after they witnessed police arrest a female clown for what the believe was her involvement in a drunk driving accident. We’re not going to make a judgment call, but Patricia Ingalls, who has been a professional clown for 17 years, blew a .252, according to police.

That being said, parents, it’s time to leave the room, it’s kids-only now. We’ll wait.

OK, gang. It’s time to learn one of the most important facts of life: you and all of your little friends are annoying as all heck. In fact, you are so loud, hyper and unruly that you make Mommy and Daddy drink. When Mommy and Daddy drink, they either like to have private time or they like to argue. And when they argue, they talk about how they can’t stand you and want to start living in separate houses.

It’s all your fault.

You see, you’ll find out one day that alcohol helps numb the pain of a meaningless existence. Part of which is the realization that children are annoying and carry diseases. This is why Sloppy the Clown drank–to deal with you runts. For 17 long years, that’s all she’s been dealing with. Day in and day out. And that it perfectly OK, but the problem is, kids, when you drink alcohol, you’re not supposed to drive. If you do, you get in trouble.

Which brings us to the moral of the story: when you grow up, don’t drink and drive.

The best protests come from the liver … I mean, heart

How to effectively protest against drunk driving charges:

1. Stay sober. Remember, when you’re on the road, you can’t protest drunk driving charges if you’re over the legal limit. Plus, there’s that whole safety thing.

2. Idle hands create idle … stuff. If you are drinking, swallow throw away those keys. All of them. Yes, even the spares that you may have. Instead, get busy, by putting together a puzzle, calling your friends or walking around on the tops of the cars around you. Enjoy a delicious castor oil-toothpaste-Vick’s Vap O Rub cocktail. Put together your “Anti-Drunk Driving Charge” protest rally sign. Anything but fiddling with those car keys of yours.

3. Don’t bug the po-lice. If you have gotten a DUI (or its equivalent in your country), lay off the sauce. Don’t drink anymore. Don’t drive anymore. Don’t go to the police headquarters in order to discuss “their mistake”. Just get out your checkbook, pay your fine, mail it off and twiddle your thumbs for the next 5 weeks.

Unfortunately, it would seem that people in Vienna just don’t know how to take our advice.

Breaking news:

Vienna has just now gotten access to

Oh. My, well, this is slightly awkward.

Justice, finally, for the disabled

Police in Queensland, Australia charged a 64-year-old disabled man for “drink driving” (isn’t the Queen’s English the cutest?) … his wheelchair.

He was found asleep in the middle of the highway with a BAC of .301, which is over six times the legal limit. Traffic was forced to swerve around him.

At news of this poor man’s capture, all this blog can say is finally. Handicapped people get everything, from premium parking to their own Olympics, and we are sick and tired of it.

Sure, it’s sad they can’t walk, but we can’t palm a basketball. Where’s our multi-million-dollar Special NBA contracts? We also can’t roll our tongues when speaking Español, but our speech impediment didn’t get us into any special schools. But we’re digressing.

Point is, it’s about time someone levelled the playing field for those of us who don’t get to sit down all day.

In Soviet Russia, cop goes for ride with you!

It’s the night beat. You’re tired, hungry, and for story purposes, we’ll say that you’re a night beat cop in Russia, so you’re also obviously quite cold. Your shift’s almost over, which is a relief; however, you spot it. You see him weaving around and you know what your duty is-pull over the drunk driver. This should be routine. This should be standard. This should be one last “oomph” on your otherwise easy going night. But it isn’t. What is it really?

Mr. Wino’s Wild Ride (which is totally unlike that former Disney World ride, sweartagawd).

A drunk driver that was pulled over in Russia proceeded to continue on driving after stopping. The only catch? The officer that pulled him over was clinging to the roof of the car. Neither coffee nor a cold shower could stop the driver. The only thing that cease his drunken shenanigans and save the life of the Russian police officer were eight rounds from the officer’s gun.

Which didn’t go into the driver at all. Now that’s a boozer.

UK court rules against booze, pelicans

When a postman attempted to defend his drink driving (British for “drunk driving”) by claiming he stores booze like a pelican in a balloon in his throat,  the court would have none of that. Instead, he was charged with driving while more than double the legal limit and sentenced to £600 (British for “$1,200”) and banned from driving for 18 months.

So, to recap: that’s one charge against alcohol (BOO!) and one against animals (YAY!).

Image: “Lunch Time” by Neil Gould.