Diet drinks: more evil than previously thought

There's such a thing as too much dieting ... or too drunk.
There’s such a thing as too much dieting … or being too drunk.

We already knew that diet drinks — especially diet fruit punch — are depressing. (Or that depressing people drink them.) But, now we’ve discovered that diet drinks are also trying to get you drunk.

A recent study found that using diet drinks as a mixer gave drinkers a higher BAC than those drinking the same amount with regular mixers. The key is calories, which help absorb alcohol and slow down its release into the bloodstream. Diet drinks, however, have reduced or no calories, which means the alcohol is on an expressway to Karaoke Town (population: you and Randy Newman songs).

What concerned researchers is that women are more likely to order diet mixed drinks. We should have known: diet drinks are trying to get your girlfriend drunk.

He should’ve ordered a chalupa

Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.

*Fun Fact:
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.

Maybe the orange tip was the give-away?

What would you say are characteristics of a bad attempt at holding up a store? Being drunk during said hold-up? Using a toy gun to do the sticking of the ups? Covering your face with a clear plastic mask? Not analyzing your area before taking action?

If you answered yes to all of those, then you might be talking about Wilnelia Caraballo. Caraballo is being charged with armed robbery and experienced every single one of those characteristics:

“Police spokeswoman Yvonne Martinez said 19-year-old Wilnelia Caraballo walked into the Kangaroo Express at 2595 Emerson Drive about 5:51 a.m., wearing a clear plastic mask, holding a ‘Uzi-type gun’ and intoxicated.

“The store clerks were in the back of the store and saw Caraballo walk behind the front counter, police said.

“One of the clerks, who was stocking a cooler, yelled at the would-be robber saying, ‘Palm Bay police. Get on the ground!'”

In summary: Megatron is not a gun, he is simply a toy. Stop trying to hold up stores with Megatron or robots that want to be Megatron.

Take it from Snee: Not every day can be Flag Day

I was a little worried yesterday. I thought for sure that, since Schools’ column was yesterday, that he’d beat me to the punch writing about the world’s greatest holiday: Flag Day. Fortunately, I awoke very late and hungover to find an Eat My Sports that focused solely on that baskety-ball thing all the Jameses are playing these days.

Some people really get into Christmas. Others spend their parole reoffending on Halloween. I, however, am all about Flag Day. Not half-mast, but full-on Union Jacked! (I am aware that Flag Day is about the U.S. flag, but c’mon. All flags are welcome at my Flag Day table.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Not every day can be Flag Day

Hey! Teacher! Let them sleep it off!

A study by Dr. Robert Vorona, a sleep medicine professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, Va., suggests that teen drivers get into more accidents the earlier they wake up. He suggests opening high schools later in the day to resolve this problem.

Finally, somebody gets it. If you don’t want teens on the road when they’re still drunk, let them sleep it off a little longer.

This plan is a win-win:

1. The teens get to tie one on and still graduate, and

2. Only the teacher’s lounge will still smell like gin.

You eyeballin’ me, boy?

No? Then you must not be very cool.

“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.

The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”

If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:

  • Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
  • Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
  • Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”

Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.

Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Well, he did stack the deck against himself….

My younger brother recently got his learner’s permit. This is important because he is now one step closer to becoming a functional member of society. Myself, it took three attempts to finally seal the deal with getting the learner’s permit. Still, I can’t help but think that my adventures with the DMV were easier than that of Susumu Moriya.

Apparently Moriya entered a Japanese police station around 9:30 AM to renew his drivers license while completely intoxicated. After experiencing a bit of trouble with the touch screen interface that’s used to print out the request form, Moriya asked for help. Unable to understand the officer who came to assist him, he became belligerent, even going as far as to throw his license to the floor in anger.

When the officer had smelt the alcohol on Moriya’s breath, he asked how Moriya had arrived at the station. Moriya then lied, stating that he had walked. However, the moment he was asked to leave, Moriya went straight to his car. 200 meters later, and Moriya was arrested for drunk driving.

He later informed the police that he had started drinking as early as 6 AM and had consumed two beers and several glasses of shochu. Pro-tip for all you hopeful drivers out there: visiting a police station while drunk as a skunk probably isn’t the best of ideas.

Head of altered state

If you were the leader of a country, what would you do? Would you be a noble leader? A benevolent dictator? Or would you be a notorious drunk and go on a bender while on foreign trips?

Former Russian Boris Yeltsin chose the latter. According to witnesses who are apparently just now releasing this story, a drunk Yeltsin was on a trip to Washington in 1995 when Secret Service police found him wandering around–at night–in his underwear–trying to get some pizza. Somehow the drunken bear made it past his own embassy’s security. Whoops.

(Thanks Chris!)