When politics doesn’t go your way, it’s tempting to say you’re moving to Canada. Or Australia. Or anywhere else they speak English, because, dammit, it’s one thing to renounce your citizenship; but, it’s another to renounce the only language you speak, too. How can you continue your career in whatever it is you’re avoiding by reading this Web site if you move someplace where they don’t speak English?
But, before you cool down and decide that maybe getting drafted or Obamacare isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you, have you considered Portugal? Sure, they speak Portuguese, so you’d have to take on a menial labor job. But, now you can legally drink while you do it.
The appeals court in Porto — the city where port wine comes from — ruled that it was wrong to fire a garbage man for drinking on the job. While the court decided the case based on the company not having written BAC limit for employees, the judges specifically cited the unpleasant nature of his work: “Because, let’s admit it, [garbage collectors’] work is unpleasant.”
The Guys would pack our bags and leave for Portugal today, but who needs to bring stuff when we can have all the garbage we can eat and wear?
We already knew that diet drinks — especially diet fruit punch — are depressing. (Or that depressing people drink them.) But, now we’ve discovered that diet drinks are also trying to get you drunk.
A recent study found that using diet drinks as a mixer gave drinkers a higher BAC than those drinking the same amount with regular mixers. The key is calories, which help absorb alcohol and slow down its release into the bloodstream. Diet drinks, however, have reduced or no calories, which means the alcohol is on an expressway to Karaoke Town (population: you and Randy Newman songs).
What concerned researchers is that women are more likely to order diet mixed drinks. We should have known: diet drinks are trying to get your girlfriend drunk.
Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.
What would you say are characteristics of a bad attempt at holding up a store? Being drunk during said hold-up? Using a toy gun to do the sticking of the ups? Covering your face with a clear plastic mask? Not analyzing your area before taking action?
“Police spokeswoman Yvonne Martinez said 19-year-old Wilnelia Caraballo walked into the Kangaroo Express at 2595 Emerson Drive about 5:51 a.m., wearing a clear plastic mask, holding a ‘Uzi-type gun’ and intoxicated.
“The store clerks were in the back of the store and saw Caraballo walk behind the front counter, police said.
“One of the clerks, who was stocking a cooler, yelled at the would-be robber saying, ‘Palm Bay police. Get on the ground!'”
In summary: Megatron is not a gun, he is simply a toy. Stop trying to hold up stores with Megatron or robots that want to be Megatron.
I was a little worried yesterday. I thought for sure that, since Schools’ column was yesterday, that he’d beat me to the punch writing about the world’s greatest holiday: Flag Day. Fortunately, I awoke very late and hungover to find an Eat My Sports that focused solely on that baskety-ball thing all the Jameses are playing these days.
Some people really get into Christmas. Others spend their parole reoffending on Halloween. I, however, am all about Flag Day. Not half-mast, but full-on Union Jacked! (I am aware that Flag Day is about the U.S. flag, but c’mon. All flags are welcome at my Flag Day table.) Continue reading →
“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.
The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”
If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:
Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”
Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.
And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)
Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.
Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions. Continue reading →
My younger brother recently got his learner’s permit. This is important because he is now one step closer to becoming a functional member of society. Myself, it took three attempts to finally seal the deal with getting the learner’s permit. Still, I can’t help but think that my adventures with the DMV were easier than that of Susumu Moriya.
Apparently Moriya entered a Japanese police station around 9:30 AM to renew his drivers license while completely intoxicated. After experiencing a bit of trouble with the touch screen interface that’s used to print out the request form, Moriya asked for help. Unable to understand the officer who came to assist him, he became belligerent, even going as far as to throw his license to the floor in anger.
When the officer had smelt the alcohol on Moriya’s breath, he asked how Moriya had arrived at the station. Moriya then lied, stating that he had walked. However, the moment he was asked to leave, Moriya went straight to his car. 200 meters later, and Moriya was arrested for drunk driving.
He later informed the police that he had started drinking as early as 6 AM and had consumed two beers and several glasses of shochu. Pro-tip for all you hopeful drivers out there: visiting a police station while drunk as a skunk probably isn’t the best of ideas.