Woody Allen, eat your heart out

John Goodman (no, not that one) has completed a tricky legal maneuver known in law circles as adopting your grown-ass girlfriend.

Goodman, who inherited a fortune through the air conditioning business, had access to said fortune restricted while he faces civil and criminal charges for allegedly drunk driving and killing Scott Wilson. His family was cut off from a trust he set up for his biological children, but now his girlfriend/daughter has immediate access to a third of it.

This also allowed for one of the greatest sentences ever written in the history of copy: “The couple has been dating since 2009, and she is now Goodman’s third legal child.” Ewwwwww.

It was a banner day for birds

Shrimp pâté. Shrimp creole. Shrimp ceviche. Shrimp etoufee.

These are all delicious dishes prepared with shrimp. Also, you would not find them yesterday on US 19, despite having a large portion of the ingredients available.

In Port Richey, Florida, a woman was driving a box truck full of live shrimp. This was seemingly all for not, as a driver, now listed by the police under the category of drunk, sideswiped the truck, causing it to flip … along with its contents. Minuscule arthropod upon minuscule arthropod upon minuscule arthropod came spilling upon the asphalt, flipping about but not sizzling under the hot sun as the accident happened in the early morning. Think less shrimp on the barbie and more shrimp on the cold slab of road.

Scoop, scooby do-wop, yeah DUI

Chris Klein, best known for being sort of famous 10 years ago, was arrested early Wednesday morning on suspicion of drunken driving. We can only imagine the field sobriety test went something like this:

Officer: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Klein: Don’t drink the pale ale!
Officer: Would you mind coming outside the vehicle and try walking in a straight line?
Klein: To the next step!
Officer: Son, I’m gonna need you to please come with me.
Klein: Someone cares about me! It’s either 1999 or 2001, thank you lord!

SG Counterpoint: Your poop stinks

Every couple of days, some Internet writer thinks they’re going to hold a mirror up to frequent users and cause us to rethink how we do our Serious Business. The attacks, like in Todd Leopold’s trite little puff piece (“#@*!!! Anonymous anger rampant on Internet”), are always the same list of grievances:

  • Users are anonymous on the Internet.
  • They can say whatever they want without fear of repercussion.
  • Anyone can read what they say.
  • Some kid committed suicide because her neighbor harassed her online.
  • Therefore, we shouldn’t post angry statements on the Internet.

OK, for the sake of argument, let’s say that, yes, there are a lot of angry comments online about celebrity bad behavior, school bullies and morons, often using bad names and language.

So what? They’ve had it too good for far too long.

Americans have spent the last 200+ years not getting rebuked for doing stupid things like drunk driving, abusing their peers and spouting moronic talking points without getting called out on it. That’s how you change behavior: by posting every time someone gets away with being a poor example of humanity.

Thanks to anonymity, Internet users are able to do the one thing we can’t do in public: tell a jerk how it is. And now they have to listen, no matter how big, rich or powerful they may be.

The McBournie Minute: Celebrities can’t drive

Recently, Britney Spears had a minor car accident. It does not seem that anyone was hurt, but clearly that is just a case of luck. Our nation’s celebrities, while they may serve as poor role models, they serve as even poorer drivers. What will our children think?

Even when they are not crashing motor vehicles, when they step out of their cars, celebrities are often not fully clothed allowing brief visual access to their naughtier parts. Our nation’s youth will grow up thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to drive around without underpants on, which is something every good driver knows is risky. You can, of course, become stuck to the seat. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Celebrities can’t drive