Magic missiles can’t save you from being shanked

Kevin T. Singer is currently serving a life sentence for murdering his sister’s boyfriend. He’s also challenging the prison’s rights to take away his Dungeons & Dragons. If you murder someone, isn’t that because of D&D, rather than playing D&D as a result of murdering someone?

Singer had been playing D&D with the coolest group of convicts in the Waupun Correctional Institute since 2002. In 2004, however, the prison banned the game after an anonymous inmate complained that Singer and his friends were forming a “gang” around the game. Which is understandable, as nothing says intimidation like an imaginary axe named Blood Saker that has a bludgeoning addition of +10. As such, his game and reference materials were then confiscated by prison guards, on the grounds that they promoted “fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling”.

Singer appealed the prison’s decision, but earlier this week 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejected his pleas, on the grounds that “punishment is a fundamental aspect of imprisonment”. Saving throw failed.

Should’ve worn the Cloak of Hammer Defense +3 instead

We all get mad at other people sometimes. Heck, we even get mad at our friends. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but the important thing is to just hash it out. Put it into perspective-is whatever you’re fighting over so bad that it can’t be solved simply over just words instead, or for that matter, even just not worrying about it anymore? I usually think that way.

I’ve been d***ed jerked over by friends before-it happens. We all have. It doesn’t matter if they owe us money or if they’ve slept with our parents (both of them-sorry guys), it’s all just relative, and the matter definitely doesn’t call for violence. With that said, is it really worth hitting a friend over the head with a hammer just because they probably said that you failed your saving throw? Is violence really the answer because you and your friend made a “pact” to not go after a girl, only for your friend to go after said lass?

Of course not. But that didn’t stop young Zachary King of Utah from clobbering two friends of his because one broke an “oath” and the other probably made him lose his Dex Roll against a Beholder. S’ok Zachary, we at SG understand your rage. We just hope that you bring a Soap Bar of Impalement Defense +99 with you in jail.

In other news, Utah is still weird.

Obama launches Iran D&D expansion

Continuing our report on last week’s premier of President Obama’s Path to Peace Dungeons and Dragons campaign, it appears that the North Korea realm is stalled while U.S. players roll to see if they can search their boats.*

*Helpful Hint: Dwarves wearing Lady’s Sunglasses (+2 stealth) could potentially fit in with the crew.

In the meantime, Dungeon Master Obama has launched an expansion campaign for Iran. It starts the same, only this time, the Path to Peace on the game map is marked by its name in Elftongue: “the clear, open Path to International Acceptance.”

This would require trait sets of honesty and candor, and it couldn’t hurt to roll for bonus charisma and initiative–both of which the wizard Khomeini and his gnome underling, Ahmadinejad, severely lack after their mana-draining Thrown Election.

Obama lays out latest North Korea campaign

The United States Dungeon Master in Chief — and some would argue DM of the Free World — Barack Obama has laid out the latest table in the North Korea D&D game.

While Kim Jong Il might take the Road to War, where U.S. and South Korean special forces lie in wait to give him super painful wedgies, there are other options.

With a critical role, he could bypass the River of Annoyance and renegotiate food supplies from China.

Or, as DM Obama pushes, “There is another path available to North Korea, a path that leads to peace and economic opportunity for North Korea.”

Frustrated at recent events, Obama reinstated that North Korea is out of magic missiles and should stop trying to cast them into the ocean for loot.

Filthy and satanic D&D nerds not welcome in pews

So, earlier in the year, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, Gary Gygax passed away. His memory was honored by super-duper geekfest GenCon, who raised over $17,000 in an auction for Gygax’s favorite charity, the Christian Children’s Foundation. Irony was probably not lost on Gygax. What is lost? The money, as the CCF has decided to refuse the money.

Why? Because the money was raised with the sale of D&D merchandise.

You see, because the money came from a gaming convention, it would disrupt their principles. The group is claiming that this is about the “integrity” of its name, which it says it won’t lend to events it had no hand in.

Oh dear. There’s sticking to your principles, and then there’s just … well, quite frankly, there’s myopia.